Wait A Lifetime
by Riverbkstar
Summary: After a devastating car accident, Amy is left alone to pick up the pieces of her life now that her husband Ricky lies in a coma. What will happen when she finds refuge in someone she never expected? The final story of my trilogy "Here We Go Again" and "Adjusting" *Summary of previous chapter included in select chapters* *LISTED CHARACTERS HAVE CHANGED* *In-Progress*
1. Chapter 1

**Previously on "Here We Go Again" / "Adjusting".**

* * *

"Well Amy… your results say that you're… pregnant."

* * *

"This isn't a bad thing! It's a miracle that life planned that we didn't Amy!"

* * *

"RICKKKKYYYY!"

* * *

"Amy just went into the bathroom and saw a few small drops of blood.."

* * *

"Ricky, we are never eating ground beef again!"

* * *

"Ben! Call 911!"

"Why?"

"I think Amy's in labour.."

* * *

"That's just the thing Amy, we want to pay for a little wedding for you two. This weekend."

* * *

"I now pronounce you, man and wife!"

* * *

"I think- this is- it. I'm having the baby."

* * *

"Amy push!"

* * *

"Ricky.. Amy…I'd like you to meet your daughter."

"Welcome to the world Madeline Underwood."

* * *

"Mommy! Maddie's crying!"

* * *

"I love you. But not when you act like this…"

* * *

"Take care of yourself Ben. The army… it's a big deal… but i know you need to do this. To find yourself."

* * *

"Is Ricky there please?"

"May I ask who's calling?"

"The mother of his child…"

* * *

"Is Trevor your son?"

"No."

* * *

"Maddie's sick! I don't know what to do!"

* * *

"Hi! My name is Ricky Underwood and I'm looking to buy a new apartment."

* * *

"Our first phone call already? Who could that be?"

"That was the hospital. Bob's dead."

* * *

"JOHN! I SAID TURN OFF THE TV!"

* * *

"I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"I'm sorry your daddy hurt you."

* * *

"You did it! You got into the school you wanted?"

* * *

"Leo needs me to fly to Toronto. Today."

* * *

"Ricky?"

"Clementine?"

* * *

Clementine kisses Ricky.

* * *

"What happened in Toronto Ricky?"

"Nothing."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

* * *

"You're like my best friend."

"I love you."

* * *

"So we're doing it? We're adopting?"

* * *

"She did it! Maddie walked!"

* * *

"Go away with me this weekend."

* * *

"John's sick. We should head back!"

* * *

"You are the most trustworthy person I know."

"Yeah Amy.. about that…"

* * *

"RICKYYYYYYY!"

* * *

**A/N What you just read above is a dialogue summary of my two stories that lead to the one you are about to read. Both "Here We Go Again" and "Adjusting" are available to read on my author's page. I strongly recommend reading them before continuing on below.**

**Wait A Lifetime is a story I have held very close to my heart for many years. It is by far the most intense and beautiful piece of writing I have ever done and I am beside myself in excitement for you all to read it.**

**This story is not like my others. It is intense. It is sad. It contains graphic scenes and disturbing sequences. It is incredibly true to life.**

**If you do not ship Ricky and Amy, I will not try and convince you to read this. However, I do ask that you read this first chapter with an open mind, and then make your decision to continue reading or not.**

**For every person who reads this author's note, this is not the story you are expecting. It is no longer the shipment you love. Things change. People change.**

**At one time you promise yourself that you will wait a lifetime for someone.. but then… well.. I shouldn't spoil it for you. After all… this isn't my story.**

**It's hers.**

**- Riverbkstar**

* * *

What if I told you that this story, has a happy ending. That the boy gets the girl, and that they live happily ever after. Could you believe it? The thing about this story, like most, is that there is no guarantee. No guarantee of tomorrow. No guarantee of finding love and certainly no guarantee of keeping it. Because one moment has the power to change everything, even the promise of forever.

I warn you though, not to mourn what will be lost, because maybe it never really was. Instead, put aside uncertainty and trust that my love has been true. Trust my love to continue, no matter what.

This story is far from over and let me promise you that it really does have a happy ending. But the thing is that this isn't my story.

It's hers.

* * *

2:18am.

The sky was a deep shade of navy blue, sprinkled sparingly with faint specks of white light. Grey clouds drifted along the indigo sky, thin and ghostly, unable to block the moon's yellow glow. From an on-ramp entered a silver hybrid as a eight-wheeled truck further down the opposite side of the freeway began to weave between lanes.

The hybrid picked up speed gradually, but without warning burst ahead as the unstable truck smashed through adjacent concrete barricades and flew into the direction of what would normally be oncoming traffic. Unaware, the small car pressed on, continuing to increase its pace.

The two vehicles came into view of one another, the truck's high beams bathing the silver car in light. The hybrid flew forward, trying to stop. It fishtailed left and the driver's side of the car collided with the large truck that was also unsuccessfully trying to stop. The sound was deafening.

The small car's frame collapsed internally as it flew through the practically cloudless sky and landed on the other end of the road. The truck swerved and crashed into a second set of barricades, this time stopping completely while its victim rolled over once before settling on its deflated wheels.

Broken glass sprinkled the ground and a hubcap forced off its tire spun in small circles. The sound of the crash echoed throughout the empty highway. The hubcap stopped spinning.

2:21am. There was not another sound.

* * *

I awake with a sharp ringing in my ears. There's a heavy pressure wrapped around my chest and my side stings painfully as I take my first breath. Opening my eyes, all I see is darkness. My right eye is coated with something sticky, making it even harder to see. Glancing around as my sight adjusts, I find myself tightly pressed into my seat with a deflated air bag lying crippled in my lap.

I'm in a strong haze and can't quite remember what has lead up to this moment. I don't even feel pain until bringing my right hand up to my face, where I feel a stinging sensation above my brow. I'm bleeding. The pain unsettles me, and I carry my attention to my legs, which sit without feeling before me. A strange apprehension develops inside of me. My mind clears and the pain in my side grows stronger as I inhale deeply. I turn to my left. The image that meets me surpasses the description of excruciating. Fear physically courses through me. I'm paralyzed in horror. The memory of moments earlier rushes to my mind and I want to scream.

He sits to my left. Ricky. Crushed between the dashboard and the door on his side of the car. His head rests against the steering wheel and I can faintly see blood trickling from his nose and ear. He is powdered with shards of glass. His arms hang lifelessly from his hunched position while his legs appear abnormally twisted. He doesn't move.

I analyze his appearance for just a moment before allowing an unnatural sound from my throat. My face contorts and I begin to sob.

"Ricky?" I squeak, barely audible. I surge towards him, but catch myself with my seatbelt and have to carefully eject myself from its restraint before again reaching for him. I rest my hands on his shoulder and nudge him lightly as I cry.

"RICKY!" I scream, tears streaming down my face. My sobs are heavy and my breathing has been replaced by moans wrenching their way from my gut.

No matter how loud I scream and shake him, Ricky doesn't respond and for a moment I start to believe he is dead. However the thought is too overwhelming and I force it aside, foolishly just realizing that we need help.

I lean into Ricky once more and silence my wails for a second to kiss his head. I then turn to my right and with shaking hands test the door, which doesn't even flinch when I tug against its handle. My heart pounds faster than I thought was possible. I scream, and begin to flail against the door in a panic until I finally feel it give. Summoning the little strength I have left, I throw myself against the jammed door. The pain in my side erupts from the force and I bite my bottom lip to suppress my howl. I feel the metal shift the second time I attack it, this time careful to direct the blow with my shoulder instead of my ribs. I continue to cry, too focused on escaping to even notice my tears. I have more success with my third and fourth hit and exhale with relief as the door splits open after my fifth attempt. The feeling in my legs has somewhat returned but they are still trapped below my seat. Squinting against the moon light, I try to free myself. I grab my right thigh and pull, thrashing my foot around in hope that it will slip free. Panic once again settles inside of me and I cry out in pain when my shin is scraped by something sharp as my leg is freed.

I let myself fall out of the car, and resting on my forearms, wiggle my left leg out of its confinement. Comparing the condition of both limbs, I find my right leg to be partially twisted. I turn onto my stomach and gripping the ground, pull my legs out of the car. They land harshly on the concrete and I am made certain of my leg's injury when pain explodes up from my foot and into my spine.

Through my blurry vision, I glance into the car once more and see that Ricky still hasn't moved. The image is disabling and I once again have to force myself to breathe. I tell myself to look away and focus on getting help. I pull myself with my arms and push with my good leg, squirming in pain as the glass that covers the ground drives into my flesh. I reach the front of the car where the left headlight still faintly burns and as the pain in my side reminds me of its presence, I suddenly hear sirens in the distance. I smile as my arms give out and I collapse onto the ground. I rest my head against the asphalt, letting more tears slip from my eyes. I lie there helpless and shaking, bleeding and exposed. My last thought is of Ricky. Convinced that he is dead, I close my eyes and beg to be taken too. Everything goes dark.

* * *

I wake again at what seems like much later in the day. Although when I first open my eyes, startled by a white ceiling and fluorescent lighting, the clock in the room tells me that it's 8:03 am. I once again can't place where I am or why I'm there and the confusion both frustrates and scares me. I squirm under the several blankets that rest on top of me and my jaw stiffens in pain. Everything hurts.

Out of the corner of my right eye, now strangely fine, I see someone move; I tilt my head to the side to find my dad walking towards me. He is sluggish and hunched forward and as he sits on my bed I can tell that he has been crying.

"I'm here princess," he croaks, beginning to stroke my bangs. "It's okay."

I gape at him, concerned. I still don't understand. "Wh-Where," I try to speak, but my dry throat prohibits me. I try again, fighting the pain. "Where am I?" I'm in the hospital. It's sort of a stupid thing to say when first waking up, but nonetheless, I still don't know how I got here.

"You're in the hospital Amy. You were in a car accident."

My mind recalls an image of paramedics lifting me onto a stretcher, however my first thought belongs to two very important people in my life. My kids.

"The kids?" I squeak, my heart stopping. I can't remember if they were in the car!

"They're fine," my dad hurries to say, aware of my paling pigment. "Your mom has them at home. Do you really not remember what happened Amy?"

And that is it. That's enough to bring it all back. Me yelling at Ricky to move out of the way, him purposefully steering himself into the truck, the sound of the crash, being airborne, trying to shake Ricky awake; all of it. A cry escapes me as I start to shake. My dad pulls me into his arms and I am again reminded of the pain in my side. We hold each other for a minute, but as nice as the embrace is, and as much as I need it, there are still questions I need answered. I push my dad away and stare into his tear-filled eyes, mine own also wet with tears.

"Ricky?" I say flatly, mentally preparing myself for what I expect comes next. My dad looks at me solemnly for a moment but then adverts his eyes. He sniffles, avoiding my gaze. "WHERE IS HE?" I scream. I have to know.

"It isn't good sweetheart," he whispers regretfully.

My lips quiver and the room starts to spin. I force out the next question, feeling physically sick to my stomach as it rolls off my tongue. "Is he dead?"

"No!" he replies strongly. "He is not dead… but they… they can't wake him up. He hurt his head baby. Really, really badly."

The image of Ricky's forehead smashed up against the steering wheel flashes into my mind. "But he'll be okay right? Eventually?"

I want him to say yes. I _need _him to say yes. But instead he just shakes his head as tears spill from his eyes. And that's when I realize that things are never going to be the same again.

* * *

It's almost 9 am by the time my doctor finally manages to come see me. He walks in smiling and introduces himself as Dr. Scott Thompson, the physician who has been overseeing both mine and Ricky's recovery. He is an average height, surprisingly thin for his middle age and his hair is jet black. His grey glasses mask the purple bags sagging under his eyes.

"How is he?" I tremble as we stop shaking hands. "How's Ricky?"

His lips purse. "I would much rather discuss Ricky's condition with you after you have had the chance to see him Amy. He got out of surgery at 6:45 this morning after you were both air lifted here, and he's stable for now, but still in critical condition."

"For now? Wait what does that mean, _for now_?"

"Let's just talk about you right now okay?" Thompson replies, losing patience.

From his place behind my head, with his hand on my shoulder, my dad clears his throat. "Ames. Just hear him out."

I stifle my frustration and obeying my dad, allow the doctor to continue.

"You hit your head in the crash," he begins without a hint of sympathy in his voice. "You had a minor hemorrhage because of it, so it's going to be normal if you suffer from some headaches or abnormal tingling, numbness or dizziness over the next couple of days."

"A hemorrhage? Like a… brain bleed?" Thompson nods his head.

"You also have a small concussion, meaning you might be in a slight haze or state of confusion for some time. It also means no vigorous activity for a while." I scoff.

"We applied 16 stitches to your forehead," he says, pointing to the cut above my brow. "It was bleeding pretty heavily and we have you on some medication to help with clotting. You're also on a severe sedative at the moment Amy. You fractured your entire right rib cage and it's really a miracle you didn't puncture a lung. However any form of rib injury can be extremely painful, so we want to keep you on the pain killer for at least a couple of weeks."

"How come I didn't feel that much pain when I woke up in the car?"

"Shock," he says, glancing at my electronic patient chart. "It's our body's way of protecting us. It shuts down."

"Oh," I reply.

"In regards to your ribs, we'll keep you bandaged for a week at least and go from there. You also sprained your wrist, so the cast you are in now is going to be there for almost a month so the bone has time to heal. And your leg dislocated in the crash. We re-set it, but it will be sensitive for a little bit. We have you in a brace, but that can come off when you're discharged. You won't be able to walk until then though, which I don't recommend anyways."

"Is that it?" I mumble, both embarrassed and demoralized. It seems like everything that could be wrong with me is, but picturing Ricky lying lifeless in a hospital bed tells me that I'm wrong.

"You were very badly bruised over the majority of your body. Your chest and back especially. My advice? Take this time to heal Amy. Gain your strength. This isn't an easy situation for anybody and you have two small children depending on you to get better as soon as possible."

Dr. Thompson gently pats my knee before smiling up at my dad and turning to leave. He stops in the doorway, choosing to look back at me once more. "Oh and Amy?" He softens his voice. "You are very, very lucky."

"Yeah how?" I sniffle.

"You're alive."

* * *

"Amy," I hear through my sleep. Someone is trying to shake me awake. I wave them away with my good hand, just wanting to continue sleeping for the rest of eternity.

I open my eyes when I hear my name again, but have to shut them immediately, as the room's bright light stings my retinas. My head aches, and I have a feeling my pain killers are starting to wear thin. Groggily, I turn to the direction of the voice and slur an irritated greeting.

"Reuben's here Amy," my dad says. "He wants to talk to you."

Shielding my face with my right hand, I open my eyes again slowly. "What does he want?"

"Hi Amy," a smoother voice pipes. I face forward and dropping my hand, find myself staring at Adrian's dad dressed in a grey suit and purple tie.

"I don't want to see anyone," I mumble, hoping I don't come off as too rude. I'm not in the mood for this, but something tells me that what I want doesn't matter anymore.

"He isn't here to see you Amy. Well I mean, he is," my dad rambles, "but he's also here on business."

"Business?" I repeat. Now I'm really confused and my concussion has nothing to do with it.

"If you remember Amy, I'm a District Attorney. I see to it that cases like this are handled," says Reuben.

"Cases like this?"

"Personal injury, drunk driving… manslaughter."

I wasn't even aware that the accident was caused by a drunk driver. It of course makes sense due to the brutality of our accident, but having it confirmed that someone else has put us into this horrendous situation forces my hands into fists. I am almost unhinged in anger at his words. This is just another reminder that Ricky could die.

"Drunk driving huh?" I manage to choke out, fighting tears.

"I didn't know how else to tell you," my dad apologizes.

"Amy…" Reuben says gently, "I have a police officer outside who needs a statement from you about what you remember."

"Who was it? I mean who hit us? Are they.. do…" I can barely get the words out.

"We don't need to do this Amy."

"No. I have to know. Please!" I beg.

Sighing, Reuben takes out a notepad from the briefcase he previously had hanging by his side. "Matthew Felps. 19 years old. Works as a delivery guy for a furniture company. Second week on the job." Reuben pauses before continuing. "Suffered some minor bruising, but not much more. He left the hospital an hour ago. We're holding him downtown for questioning. The police are charging him with driving under the influence."

A swell of hatred and resentment boils inside of me. I can't get my thoughts straight and wonder this time if the concussion is at fault. _He's just a kid, _I think. _Does he deserve this?_ No. But neither do I and neither do my children, who may never get to know their father. Most importantly though; neither does Ricky. "Are _we_ pressing charges?" I ask carefully.

"It's your decision Amy," my dad replies.

"If you choose to do this Amy, I'll take care of everything," Reuben promises. "The fees, the press, I even have a lawyer in mind."

"Is that cop still outside?" I mumble, nauseous. Reuben nods. "Okay then. Bring him in."

* * *

I don't exactly know what I'm going to do when I see my kids for the first time. My forehead is swollen, my lips are cut and my cheeks are purple with bruises. John will barely recognize me, and convincing him that I'm okay is not going to be easy. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to look at my son the same anymore if Ricky doesn't make it.

It's hard to think of Maddie in all of this as well. She just turned one, knows barely ten words and is still breast feeding. She needs me, and I don't know how capable I am of being a mother to her right now.

My mom comes in first. She's crying, and I get the feeling she has been waiting for this moment to break down for the sake of the kids. I'm grateful for having my dad take care of me all day, but when my mom collapses into my arms and I collapse into hers, I finally feel secure. It takes us a while to calm down and all my mom can say is how badly I scared her, how happy she is that I'm okay and how sorry she is about Ricky.

"We can talk later honey okay?" My mom says, finally drying her tears, "but John is very worried. He knows something bad happened, but that's all we told him. I think you need to see him."

"I can't mom," I sob. "I can't let him see me like this! I can't look at him! Not knowing that he might never see his dad again!"

"Listen to me!" my mom speaks sternly, "you can do this okay? You have to. Just like when you decided to keep John and raise him at sixteen. You can do this! It's going to be fine! Ricky needs you to be strong. Do you hear me? He needs you to be strong!"

I nod my head, wiping my eyes. "I know," I whisper. I blow some air up against my cheeks to dry my tears. My mom combs out my hair with her fingers and kisses the top of my head. She stands, walks to the door and wipes her own face one more time before stepping out into the hallway. I shake slightly waiting for her to return with my son and daughter.

John comes in holding my mom's hand. He is still in his pyjamas and his hair is messy. He nervously sucks the tip of his right thumb, looking at me with a type of fear in his eyes I have never seen before.

"Hi John," I say raising the pitch of my voice, "how are you?" My mom leads him towards me, but he stays still, too scared to approach me. "It's okay honey. Mommy's fine see?"

"John, how about we sit with mommy huh?" My mom asks, picking up her grand-son and putting him in my lap. I spread my legs apart, and he falls in between my thighs. I kiss the top of his head and stroke his cheeks, his neck, his back, everything. I love him so much in this moment that it hurts and I can't contain not having my arms around him any longer.

"Can you give mommy a hug John? Please?" I watch John nod his head before he bursts into heavy sobs and wraps his arms around my neck. He convulses against me, his loud cries irritating my headache. I hold him as he shakes and let silent tears spill from my eyes, willing myself to be strong. "Its okay," I whisper into him, "it's going to be okay John. It's okay." I don't know how long I hold him, whispering sounds to soothe him, and I really don't care. Eventually he calms down and no longer distracted by his cries, I can feel my ribs again starting to ache when I breathe.

"They said something bad happened to you and daddy… and I thought… you were dead!" John howls into my hair.

"No sweetie no!" I exclaim over his cries, "I'm never leaving you. Ever. I'm fine see? I'm okay."

John pulls away from me. His wet eyelashes catch the room's artificial glow. "And daddy?" He sniffles, rubbing his face with the back of his hands.

"The doctor's are still taking care of daddy. I don't know yet what is going to happen to him, but he loves you and I am not going anywhere okay?"

"I love you!" John coughs. I pull him against me again, this time wrapping myself around his back so that he can lean against my chest. I stroke his hair and hum softly until he falls asleep.

* * *

About an hour later, John sleeps in between my legs with his head on my left thigh. I am propped against several pillows, breastfeeding Maddie underneath a feeding bib. She came in to see me once John had finally drifted off and overwhelmed by the excitement of reuniting with me, had kicked me in the ribs. Twice.

I peek underneath the bib, admiring Maddie as she drinks. She stares up at me with her big brown eyes, Ricky's eyes, and her red hair feels like silk against my finger tips. She looks up tiredly at me and after a few more seconds closes her eyes and her lips separate from my nipple. I take off the bib and pull Maddie up against my shoulder to burp her. I mostly rub her back though, smiling down at her as she too falls asleep.

"I love seeing you with them," my mom says from her spot on the room's couch, "you're such a good mom."

"I don't know about that," I reply, "but thank you."

"How are you feeling?" My mom asks, stretching.

"Like shit. My boobs feel better though. They were sore from not feeding her for so long."

"I've been there," My mom smirks, walking over to sit on the edge of my bed.

"How's Ricky?"

"Margaret and Shakur are with him. So don't feel bad about not being by his side. He would much rather you be with the kids."

"Have you been to see him?"

My mom stalls. "Yes. It's not a pretty picture Amy. I'm not sure you should see him quite yet."

"Mom I have to," I reply forcefully, "it is killing me not being there for him. I can't leave him alone. He needs me. Please."

"Amy…"

"Mom please! Just get the kids out of here okay? I'm awake now. There's no need for you and dad to be here. I need time to think. I need to be with Ricky."

"If that's what you really want from me, I can do it, but I think your dad should stay with you. You're going to need someone."

"Just make sure my kids are safe."

* * *

My ribs erupt in pain as I am lifted and placed into my wheelchair by my dad and two nurses. They hook my IV onto a stand and prop my braced leg against the chair's elevated foot stand. My dad waits for the hospital staff to leave the room before unlocking my wheels and leading me out into the hall. My room is a few metres away from the nurses desk and it takes about half a minute for us to reach the elevator. We wait a moment for it to arrive before boarding. We are on the second floor on the in-patient wing of the hospital. Ricky is on the third.

I wait for more people to flow into the elevator and watch as my dad pushes the button pointing up. We start to rise and after ten seconds, arrive on Ricky's floor. My dad waits for two people to exit first before pushing me onto steadier ground. He wheels me right and then left, into the hallway that I believe to be directly above mine. He stops outside room 314.

"Wait for me here," he orders, opening the door to 314 and disappearing inside. He of course shuts the door behind him and returns a moment later. He seems nervous. "Are you ready?"

"No, but I need to see him."

My dad nods his head and steps behind my chair. He pushes me into the door, stretching to unlock it. I'm wheeled inside, where Margaret and Shakur sit in chairs by the window. It's 5 pm by now and still light outside.

Ricky lies on the bed. Both his legs are in casts, suspended in the air. His right arm is in a sling. He is shirtless, with bandages wrapped from his stomach to above his pecks. Suction cups straddle his chest. His face is so bruised and swollen that I can barely recognize him. His eyes have sunk into his head and his nose is crooked. There is a large bandage wrapped around his head, but what alarms me most is his skull. A part of it isn't there. They have cut a whole in his head and removed some bone. He is swallowed by gauze. Small cuts decorate his entire body and almost all visible skin is a nauseating shade of black. His chest rises and falls faintly.

"Dad," I croak, starting to gag. I'm going to be sick. "Can you get me a bucket?"

My dad stares back at me, baffled, but luckily comes to his senses with enough time to grab a small basin and thrust it under my chin as I vomit mostly fluid. He rubs my back as I dry heave and tries to hug me when I start to cry. I push him away.

"Just get me closer!" I cry, feeling as if my heart is about to shatter. My dad pushes me close enough to Ricky's bed so that I am able to touch him. I grab his hand. It's ice cold. I drop it in shock, expecting it to be warm and welcoming like it always is. Swallowing my fear, I pick his hand up again and grip it with mine. I push my forehead against his fingers and start to sob. I shake from grief and as anger and pain, sadness and fear, panic and confusion boil up inside of me all at once, I scream.

"Wake up! Wake up!" I scream, scraping my throat as I yell. "RICKY!"

"Amy stop!" My dad yells, lunging to peel me away from Ricky's side. I shake him away.

"Just get out!" I scream again. "Get out! Please! Out!"

My dad leads Ricky's grieving parents out of the room and I struggle to return to my previous spot beside Ricky. Winded, I grab his hand again and kiss it. "I'm so sorry Ricky," I whisper. "I'm so so sorry. I'll get whoever did this to us. I promise. I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

**Previously on Wait A Lifetime**

What if I told you that this story, has a happy ending. That the boy gets the girl, and that they live happily ever after.

The hybrid flew forward, trying to stop. It fishtailed left and the driver's side of the car collided with the large truck that was also unsuccessfully trying to stop. The sound was deafening.

"He is not dead… but they… they can't wake him up. He hurt his head baby. Really, really badly."

"Who hit us?"

"Matthew Felps. Age 19. Drunk Driving."

"They said something bad happened to you and daddy… and I thought… you were dead!"

Ricky lies on the bed. Apart of his skull is missing. Small cuts decorate his entire body and almost all visible skin is a nauseating shade of black.

"I'll get whoever did this to us. I promise. I promise."

This isn't my story. It's hers.

* * *

It turns out that Dr. Thompson is a neurologist, and the one who's removed a part of my husband's skull. When meeting with me for the second time today to tell me about Ricky's condition, he reassures me that he is a very good doctor.

"I've done this type of procedure many times Amy," he says, sitting on the edge of the bed. I'm in my wheelchair beside Ricky, gripping his left hand so tightly that my knuckles are white.

"I still don't like that there's a hole in his head," I reply flatly.

"Amy his brain is swelling. We removed a section of his skull to help relieve some of the pressure. He has a better chance of waking up if we do this."

"He just looks so-"

"It'll pass Amy. If he can make it to this time tomorrow.."

"Wait," I interrupt, "why wouldn't he make it to tomorrow? Is there still a chance he could die?"

Thompson exhales loudly. "We don't know if the swelling's going to go down Amy. If it doesn't, we need to start discussing other alternatives." He lowers his voice as he finishes his sentence. I scan my eyes over Ricky. He looks so broken. It seems almost heartless to expect him to be strong enough to survive this.

"What are his chances of waking up?" I ask, changing the subject. I won't allow myself to sit here and fantasize about putting Ricky to death.

"We can't know for sure. It could take a week, a month, a year or… even a lifetime. Large portions of his Cerebrum were badly damaged in the crash. His frontal and temporal lobes specifically. This prevents him from being able to recognize speech, move, reason with and perceive his surroundings and retain memories."

"So even if he does wake up... there's a chance he won't be able to move or.. or... even remember me?" My eyes well with tears. I can survive losing my husband. But I can't survive him losing me.

"I'm so sorry Amy," he mumbles, "May I explain his injuries to you?" I nod my head as hot tears slip from my closed eyes.

He goes on to tell me that both of Ricky's legs were shattered in the crash and that he's going to need surgery to reconstruct them. He says both of his rib cages are fractured as well, and that because of this, one of Ricky's lungs collapsed during surgery and had to be repaired. His skin discolouration is caused by the swelling in his broken nose and arm. All this will heal over time, Dr. Thompson says, but the main concern is still Ricky's head. It's suspected that during the crash, Ricky was thrown against the car's door frame before having his forehead driven into the steering wheel. Apart of his skull is cracked from the impact.

"I'm going to do whatever I can to help your family Amy," Dr. Thompson mumbles after his debrief. "But I can't help Ricky without a little bit of trust from you. I want you to take my card. Call me anytime, day or night. Talk to me, ask me questions, scream at me; whatever you need. I am just as much here for you as you are for him." I follow his gesture to Ricky.

"Thank you Dr. Thompson," I say lightly. I appreciate his intention, but still don't feel any more comfortable with the man who has my husband's life in the palm of his hands.

"Call me Scott," he replies and then leaves the room.

* * *

"You should eat something," my dad encourages from across the table. We are in the hospital cafeteria, seated at a table lost in the middle of the busy room. Everything is white. The floors and walls, the tables and chairs. The colour reflects the room's bright light and my head, still in pain, begins to throb even more intensely.

"Not hungry," I mutter, continuing to distantly stare across the room. Since having Dr. Thompson (or Scott, as he would like to be called) explain to me the seriousness of Ricky's condition, I haven't had much to say. I am completely defeated, lost and scared. I don't understand why this happened or how everything could be so perfect one day and so terrible the next. Twelve hours ago, I was leaving for a romantic night with my husband, focused on what I would be making for us to eat at exactly this time today. And now? Now I am glaring at a cold plate of salad and a red jello cup, with my husband three floors above me, unconscious due to a brain injury. It doesn't seem fair.

"I don't care Amy," he gripes, "you need to keep your strength up. You're exhausted and you've got a ton of medication pumping through you."

"Dad, it is not possible for me to feel any worse than I already do."

"You'd be surprised kido," he replies with tension in his voice.

"Can you just take me back to Ricky?"

"When we leave here, I'm taking you back to your room so that you can get some sleep."

"Fine," I snap, "take me to my room then."

"Not until you eat." His voice doesn't waver. I know he is serious.

Scowling at him, I slip my good hand off my chair and use it to shovel out some jello with a spoon. I tip the snack into my mouth and fling the utensil onto the table as I swallow. "There," I snarl, "can we go now?"

My dad uncrosses the arms he holds tightly against his chest and stands up. "You're going to realize pretty quickly how much your attitude affects this situation Amy. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

He doesn't understand. No one understands. I am all alone, with two children who remind me of my comatose husband every time they look at me. If Ricky were here, he would tell me to accept the situation and find a way to deal with it. But Ricky isn't here and as much as I know I should listen to him, I refuse to. Because dealing with this situation makes it real. And if this is real, then I am losing the only person I'll ever truly love. And without Ricky, I am dead.

* * *

"Maddie! Give me the phone!" I can hear John whine to his sister in the background, "give it!"

"Okay Maddie!" I pitch my voice, "I'll see you soon okay? Give the phone to John now. I love you! Good night!"

"Mama!" Maddie coos before shrieking as some static explodes in my ear. I assume John has ripped the phone away from her as he usually does when trying to share things with her.

"John be gentle with her," I scold quietly, all expression muted from my voice.

"When are you coming home?" John pouts, ignoring my instruction.

"In two days sweetheart. But you know that things are going to be a little different for a while right? Until we learn more about daddy."

"I know. I just miss you," John whimpers. I send him vibes, begging him not to cry.

"I miss you too baby," I sniffle. I am physically incapable of crying. My eyes are swollen and sore. Rubbing them hurts.

"Did you see daddy?"

I nod my head. "Mhmm."

"Is he still asleep?"

"John, I don't want you to worry about daddy okay. I'm taking care of it. Just take care of your sister for me alright? And listen to Grandma Annie."

"But," John replies.

"No buts! I need you to be a big boy for me okay? That means hanging up the phone right now and going to bed. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Don't go mommy," John pleads.

"You need to sleep honey. It's been a long day."

"No mommy!" John shouts. He breaks into a cry. "Please!"

"John, hang up the phone!" I can hear my mom say in the distance.

"No mommy!" John shrieks.

"I love you honey!" I try to say over his cries, but now I'm crying too. The call ends before I can repeat myself and all I am left with is a faint echo of my son's screams ringing in my ear.

I lie down and close my sore eyes, begging sleep to come. He comes instead.

* * *

"_He hung up on me!" Ricky scoffed, setting his phone down on the food court table._

"_Ricky he's five-months-old," Amy yawned tiredly, resting her head in her hands, "he isn't even crawling yet."_

_Ricky eyed a girl in a skirt passing through the food court before returning his attention to Amy. "He knew it was me though. It's starting already!"_

"_What is?"_

"_You know.." Ricky shrugged, "that whole _hating your parents_ thing."_

_Amy rolled her eyes. Ricky giggled._

"_What?" Ricky smirked, "I can't make a joke?"_

"_You can," Amy said standing, "but they have to be funny!"_

_Ricky followed Amy away from the table, his lunch wrapper sitting empty on the blue food court tray in his hand. "Hey! I'm funny!"_

"_Sure you are," Amy deadpanned, stopping at the entrance that lead back into the mall. "Look, I know you wanted to be a nice guy and take me out for an afternoon and all, but I'm really tired. And I know John's having a great time with your mom, so we don't need to pick him up…"_

"_No," Ricky said, shaking his head, "I stole you away for an afternoon so that you could get away. Not so that you could sleep."_

"_And you aren't worried Adrian's going to bitch at you for doing this?" Amy asked, crossing her arms across the stomach she was still so conscious about since having her son._

"_Leave Adrian to me. Besides won't Ben be just as mad?"_

"_You kind of ruined that when you stormed into my kitchen that day."_

"_Wait, so Ben still isn't speaking with you?"_

"_No. He's under the impression that you and me…"_

"_Are what? Dating?" Ricky shook his head, "please. Your boyfriend's a child you know that? An immature child."_

"_Yeah well at least he cares about me! That's more than you can say about Adrian!"_

"_You're wrong Amy. He doesn't care about you," he paused, "not like I do."_

"_What?"_

_Ricky shrugged and began to mumble. "I just think you're pretty amazing Amy and I don't ever tell you because I don't want to make it weird. But you're the mother of my son and I worry about you sometimes. And I know for a fact that that idiot doesn't care about you. If he did, he'd be here."_

"_Is that why you took me out today? To try and make me feel better?"_

_Ricky nodded his head. "And so that I could do this." _

_Amy stared up at Ricky, momentarily confused, until he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. He nuzzled his chin into her shoulder and closed his eyes. She smelled like lavender. He waited for her to hook her hands through his arms and around his shoulders like she did when she was pregnant. But time dragged, and she stayed still. Disappointed, Ricky decided to let go, but smiled when he felt her hands begin to hold him. He exhaled, smiling. She did care._

"_Come on," Ricky said, as they parted ways, "we'll pick up John, go to your house and I'll stay up with John tonight."_

"_I can handle being alone Ricky, the house isn't that quiet."_

"_I know you can be alone Ames. I just don't think you should have to."_

* * *

"So … umm your report says that… umm… you were driving under the speed.. speed limit." The lawyer sitting across from me trembles, sifting through papers laid out on the cafeteria table. We were introduced to one another fifteen minutes ago by Reuben, who woke me up this morning from my tear-stained slumber with an animated knock, lime green tie and nervous side-kick. The name of the man across from me, tapping his leathered shoe on the floor intensely, is James Davis. He's 24 years old and a recent graduate from Hudson University; my dream school.

He is pale, thin and tall. He reminds me of Ben, but his light brown hair is swept and gelled to one side of his head. His indigo suit stands out against the white room.

"Ricky was. Ricky was driving," I reply, nursing my black coffee. It's all I can stomach.

"Were you two engaged in conversation at the time of the accident?" James inquires. I scrunch my nose in disgust.

"Why does that matter?"

"When you testify in court, they're going to ask if Ricky was participating in anything that could have lead to him being distracted at the wheel."

"No. We were, we… he was trying to tell me something, I can't remember what though. I screamed his name before he could…"

"Was he looking at you or the road Amy."

I stare ahead distantly once again as tears fill my heavy eyelids. "Me," I mumble, "he was looking at me."

James sighs in dismay before writing something down in a notebook. "Okay. Was there any reason for him to not be driving at his best? Aside from a distracting conversation. Had he been drinking? Was he on medication?"

"We hadn't slept in almost 24 hours. He said he was fine though."

"Did he seem fine though?"

My hands twitch slightly as I call back the memory of our drive home. I nod my head slightly and sniffle. "Yes," I whisper.

James writes down my response. "Okay. Just a few more questions. Can I keep going?" I nod. "What can you remember about the driver?"

"He wasn't there. Then he was. I-I didn't even see him."

"Are you aware that he has been transported to a holding facility for further questioning and is being charged on at least 3 counts?"

"Does he know?" I ask before I can stop myself, "did they tell him about Ricky? About.. about me?"

James nods his head. "He had no comment. I'm sorry Amy."

I do not want to cry over this. I do not want to cry. "Are we done James?" I stammer.

James scans his eyes over his papers and frowns. "Yeah. We're done. You did good Amy. Should we go back to your room?"

I nod again and blink away my tears as James stands and gathers his belongings. He pats my shoulder gently before releasing the breaks on my chair and wheeling me towards the elevator. There is something he isn't telling me. I can feel it.

* * *

Once James has returned me to my room, I settle in my bed against a pile of pillows and pass my phone between my hands, anxiously postponing what I'm about to do. Exhaling loudly, I unlock my phone and dial the church nursery. It's a Tuesday. It's 8:53 am. They opened at 7. The phone rings twice before someone picks up. I recognize the voice immediately.

"Hi it's Amy," I say strongly, hoping my voice doesn't sound as weak as I feel. I don't want to give people more reason to worry. "I know Ricky called in, scheduling that I get the rest of April off, but I'm going to need some more time. Ricky and I were in a really bad car accident early yesterday morning." My co workers gasps. "I'm pretty banged up, but he isn't doing too well."

"No the kids are fine, they weren't in the car," I say when she asks about John and Maddie, "but I have no idea how these next few weeks are going to play out, and my parents are going to be taking the care of the kids for a little while…"

My co-worker tells me how sorry she is.

"I appreciate that. Thanks so much…. Yes. I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks again. Bye."

I hang up and while curling up into a ball and bursting into tears is what I greatly crave in this moment, I force myself to dial the next number on my list. Following contacting the nursery, I call our insurance company, Ricky's phone company, the mechanic and our family doctor. The last item on my list is to call our school. I'll have to cancel my scheduled summer classes and cancel Ricky's program altogether. I scroll through my contact list for _Los Angeles Valley College, _but a knock on my door interrupts me before I can find it and place my call. I look up to find that a solemn Leo Boykewich has appeared in my doorway.

"I was going to call you," I say slowly, not really sure what to say to the man who has given my family so much.

"That's not necessary. I was notified yesterday, but thought I would give you some time first before talking to you."

"Talking to me?"

"I'm here as a friend Amy, you recognize this I hope, but more than that, I'm here as the employer of your husband, who I have been told isn't doing so well."

"If you need to let him go Leo..."

"Woah!" he exclaims, "no one is letting anyone go. Nonsense. I would never let that happen. Ricky's a great worker. I respect that and I honour that. Not just with Ricky, but with anyone."

Relief washes over me, followed shortly by embarrassment. "I don't understand Leo... Why... "

"Did Ricky ever tell you about the insurance policy he has with my company?" I nod my head. "Normally that is all I provide my employees with, but given your circumstance and the relationship Ricky and I have established outside of the office, I also want to cover all your medical expenses."

I gasp. "No Leo, I... I can't let you do that."

"I'm not asking your permission Amy. I've talked it over with insurance who I asked to keep this a secret until we could talk. Everything is covered Amy. His surgery, ambulance fees, medication, all of it."

"I don't know what to say," I reply. I could cry. This is too big of a gesture.

"Say thank you," Leo smiles, approaching me.

"Thank you," I say, reaching out to hug him.

He enters my arms and starts to cry. We hold each other for several seconds.

"I'm so sorry Amy," he chokes, "this shouldn't have happened. Not to him."

"Thank you Leo," I mumble.

"You let me know how he's doing okay? And please, don't be scared to ask me for anything. My door is always open."

"I know. Thanks again. Not just for this, but for these past years."

"Stand by your children Amy. They're going to need you. If I had done more with Ben after losing his mother..."

"You did just fine with Ben Leo. Would you mind telling him what happened? I don't think I can handle it."

"Of course. I should go pay Ricky my respects. He'll always have a job with me Amy. No matter how long it takes him to wake up."

"_If_ he wakes up," I stress.

"He's a fighter. He'll get through this."

I force a smile, "I hope so."

"Take care of yourself."

"Bye."

* * *

It's 1 pm in the afternoon by the time a nurse finds the time to take me to see Ricky. I've been in my bed all morning, avoiding recaps of our crash on the news and forcing memories of Ricky from my mind. However my thoughts, like always, are extremely persistent, and my eyelids throb from crying.

As I am wheeled onto Ricky's floor, I notice that some people take it among themselves to stop and send me a polite smile as I pass. Reaching Ricky's room, I find myself holding my breath as I am pushed inside. I don't want to be nervous around him, but yet the sight of him still manages to twist my stomach into knots. He looks different than he did yesterday. The majority of his face has turned purple and some stubble has appeared on his chin. His mom Margaret, sits in the chair near the window, her head cradled in her hand. She sits up when she hears me and runs to hug me as my nurse leaves.

This is the first time we have acknowledged each other since the accident. She was here yesterday when I first saw Ricky, but I was too distraught at the time to talk to either her or Shakur.

"How have you been sweetheart?" she says as she cries, stroking my cheeks with her hands to brush away my own tears.

"I'm so sorry!" I sob, struggling to breathe.

"Oh no honey! Never! It's not your fault. Not one bit."

"I was... su-supposed to t-take care of h-him!"

Margaret holds me against her chest and brushes my hair behind my ears. "I have never been more proud of either one of you. I love you both. So much. Shakur too. You're going to get through this Amy. You're a fighter."

"So is Ricky," I mumble.

"So is Ricky," Margaret repeats before letting me go and bringing me to Ricky's side. I grab hold of his hand as Margaret sits on the edge of the bed. "How are the kids?"

"John's pretty shaken up. He wants to see him... But I don't think I'm ready for that."

"Maybe after you're discharged. That's tomorrow right? Are you okay? Are you in any pain?"

"My chest hurts when I breathe and my legs are sore still but they have me on something. How is he? How are you?"

"He isn't much better. His brain swelling has gone down quite a bit, but it still needs time. More bruises keep appearing. And shards of glass are coming out of his skin."

I look at Ricky, wondering how he could let this be happening, how he can't force himself awake. "And you?"

"I miss my son Amy. The thought of him... I just miss him."

I slide my hand over hers as a large shout rings out in the hallway.

"WHERE IS HE?" a women shouts, "WHERE'S MY SON?"

_Oh no _I think to myself just as the door to the room shoots open. Nora now stands in the doorway, panting heavily, her hair in a messy frizz. She is crying.

"Nora..." Margaret starts, "just take it easy."

Nora starts to sob, and falls towards the bed, gripping the mattress tightly to keep herself up right. "Whyyyyyy?" She cries, running her hands over Ricky's torso. I struggle to push my chair near Ricky's head. "WHhhhyyyyy!"

"Nora!" I can hear someone shout from outside. A second later my dad appears. "I'm sorry Ames," he says, noticing me, "I was going to calm her down before taking her up here, but she got away."

"Staaay away from me!" Nora screams at him, "oh Ricky... Oh my poor baby..."

I start to whimper. She snaps her head in my direction.

"Shut your mouth you spoiled brat! If it weren't for you, he would still be alive!"

"He is alive!" I shout back.

"Not for long," she snarls.

"Nora that's enough!" My dad screams, "Get out of here! Now!"

"Go to hell George!"

"That's it!" My dad says as he wraps his arms around Nora's waist and pulls her to her feet. She begins to kick and squirm, and screams at him to let her go as he hauls her out the door. Two male nurses meet him in the hallway, where they carry her away. I can still hear her calling Ricky's name until she is no longer on the floor at all. Margaret runs to hold me as I collapse into tears.

"Rickyyyyyy..." I scream against her, my heart physically about to rip out of my chest.

"It's going to be okay," Margaret whispers, "it's going to be okay."


	3. Chapter 3

**Previously on Wait A Lifetime**

This isn't my story. It's hers.

The hybrid flew forward, the driver's side of the car colliding with the large truck. The sound was deafening.

"What are his chances of waking up?" "We can't know for sure."

Dealing with this situation makes it real. And if this is real, then I am losing Ricky. And without Ricky, I am dead.

"Did they tell him about Ricky?" "Matthew Felps had no comment Amy. I'm sorry."

"I want to cover all your medical expenses." "Leo, I can't let you do that!"

Nora stands in the doorway, panting heavily. She is crying.

"It's going to be okay," Margaret whispers. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

It's somewhere between 3 and 4 in the afternoon by the time Margaret returns me to my room. I sit on my bed, wrapped in several blankets. The sun shining through the window's frayed curtains passes over the room in thin rays and it's almost 5 o'clock when it finally falls on me. My eyes hurt as they catch the light and I blink away the discomfort while my phone, sitting on my bed's side table, starts to vibrate. My ribs hurt as I pull away from the sun, and I cringe as I reach for my buzzing phone. Swallowing nervously, I cast my eyes on the call display. It's Ben.

I take a quick breath before answering, knowing the call will fall to voice mail at any second.

"Ben?" I say, accepting the call and bringing it to my ear.

At first there is no response, just static. Then his voice crackles through. "Amy?… Amy?"

"Hi…" I mumble. I'm not too surprised that he is calling. The fact that he has waited this long to call is unusual for him.

"Can you hear me okay? I'm at my base. Had to ask for special privilege to use the phone. Can you hear me? Amy?"

"Yes," I swallow. "I can hear you."

"I just heard. How are you? Are you okay?"

"What kind of question is that Ben? Of course I'm not okay!"

"Sorry - I didn't mean-"

I shake my slightly. "No. I'm sorry… That wasn't… umm… I'm managing."

"I wish I could be there."

"Trust me. You do not want to be here."

I hear Ben start to sniffle over the line before some more static blows in my ear. "I'm so sorry Amy."

"It's good for you I suppose. Now I have reason to leave him and fall into your arms like you always wanted."

He's quiet for a moment. "That isn't what I want Amy. How could you-"

Guilt instantly pains me. "Sorry. I didn't mean it… I'm just at my limits, that's all."

"Its okay. I understand. It's not like I haven't been there before."

"I just don't know where to go from here. He's my everything…like how do I go on Ben? How? I'm not strong enough!"

"Yes!" He shouts into the phone. "Yes you are! You're Amy Juergens! It isn't going to be easy, but it's possible. You can do this!"

"No Ben. I can't."

"Amy you don't have a choice…"

I don't respond.

"I didn't mean to upset you.. I just had to call and.."

"I get it. It's okay. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it means a lot to me that you called."

I can overhear some shouting in the background. Ben mumbles something to someone before answering me. "I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Stay safe okay? I don't need another person to worry about."

"You have my word Amy Juergens. Bye."

"Bye," I say as the line goes dead.

I slip my phone back onto the night table and fold into sobs. Tears stream down my face, and my ribs scream in agony as I practice constricted breaths. I cross my arms over my chest and grip my shoulders. _Why Ricky?_ I think repeatedly, rocking myself long into the night, _Why?_

* * *

It's the start of a new month when I wake up the next morning, and over 48 hours since the accident. I get discharged as of 10:15 am today, at which point my dad will drive me to my apartment to help me clean up before bringing the kids home. I'm still undecided as to whether I should let John see Ricky. According to my mom, he hasn't stopped asking about his dad, and I know that his imagination must be running in a million different directions.

Standing up seems almost impossible. I am easily in more pain than I was yesterday, probably because of how little I rested. Sitting up is as far as I can go, and I have to call a nurse to help me change out of my gown. When she enters my room, she greets me with a sincere smile and I cringe. I'm like Ricky in the way that I have come to hate the sympathy of others. I point my nurse towards the clothes piled on my couch and moan in almost intolerable pain as she eases me out of my gown.

Almost ten minutes after first paging for help, I am dressed in grey sweat pants, Ugg knock offs, a baggy gym t shirt from Grant high and a black zip up. The brace that just moments ago held my dislocated leg has been removed, and I am starting to ache. As my nurse adjusts the cast around my wrist, it dawns on me that the sweater I am wearing actually belongs to Ricky. My dad must have grabbed it in his haste, and Ricky is notorious for hanging up clothes in the wrong closet.. or at least he was.

Too sore to even fathom wheeling myself to Ricky's room, I have to ask my nurse to take me instead. She once again fulfills my request with a grin.

* * *

On Monday, I no longer wanted to live. Yesterday, I didn't think I could. Today, I feel like I can. Or at least I do until I am pushed into place next to Ricky. His skin is a deep shade of purple today and some glass and gravel is poking its way out of his flesh. His nose is still a discoloured shade of black and profusely swollen. If his mouth wasn't open, he wouldn't be able to breathe. His head is still bandaged, but the gauze is noticeably cleaner. They must have changed it. His legs hang at a lower position, and a layer of wrap around his chest has been removed. I can faintly make out the scarring across his torso.

"Hi.. Hi," I stammer as the nurse clicks on the breaks to my chair. She pats my shoulder before returning to her work. "It's me… umm.. Amy."

It occurs to me in this moment that I am about to have my first conversation with my husband since the accident. My hands quiver slightly. I grab his left one before continuing on.

"It's Wednesday today. May first actually. I'm kind of happy about that I guess. I mean April was great… up until… but May is a fresh start in a way. You know?"

No. He doesn't know. He will never know.

"Can you hear me in there? They said they don't know for sure. Well, I mean, Scott did. That's what he wants us, I mean me, to call him. His real name's Dr. Thompson. He seems nice. He knows his shit as you would say. So there's that."

I let go of his hand for a moment to brush my bangs from my eyes. "If you can hear me though, feel free to squeeze my hand at any time okay? I'm here for you Ricky. I'm not going anywhere. Now and forever. Just like we promised."

I relax my shoulders. The worst is over. Talking to him is easier than I expected. It's almost comforting. Almost.

"I'm thinking about bringing John by later. He hasn't seen you yet, and I don't really want to… umm.. I don't know.. upset you… but you aren't looking too good." I stifle a nervous giggle. "I'm sorry. It's not funny…" I say, my smile bending into a frown as my eyes well with tears. "You got yourself pretty messed up Ricky, and I honestly don't know if you are going to be okay. You look…. and umm your head… and… I'm so sorry honey. I wish I could hug you and rock you and kiss you and stroke your hair and make it all better but I can't. I can't do those things! I can barely touch you! And I definitely cannot make it better. I don't know how!"

My voice falls into a whisper, that, if he is listening, only he can hear. "I don't know how to make this better. What am I going to do Ricky? How do I go on with out you? How do I raise our kids? How do they grow up without a dad? How-," I break into sobs.

There are too many questions and barely any answers.

"You know how much I love you right? I said it enough right?"

I stare at him, waiting for him to answer.

"I don't care what happens as long as you know that I love you. And that you know I always will."

I stare at him for a long time after that. He exchanges shallow breaths, his chest slowly rising and falling as he breathes. The morning light peeking through his curtain makes him look younger. He seems at peace.

* * *

_His throat caught his breaths as he slept, making him snore loudly. It was a Saturday. Normally Ricky would be working at the butcher shop, but it was January and flu-season and he had fallen ill. John, two years old, coping with a fever similar to Ricky's, had fallen asleep on his dad's chest. The two lay on the couch in the living room of his parent's house._

"_Oh my gosh.." Amy whispered, stepping into the living room, "how cute are you two?"_

_She bent over John, feeling his forehead before kissing it. "Hi baby."_

_She moved onto Ricky, sitting down on the coffee table next to the sofa as she began to stroke his curls. He was warmer than his son. She frowned. "Honey?" she chimed quietly. He didn't stir. _

_Amy giggled. She traced her hand over his cheek, smiling as he smirked in his sleep. _Always ticklish, _she thought to herself as she brushed over his ear. Ricky slipped his right hand off of John's back to nudge Amy's hand away. He continued sleeping, still not awake._

"_Okay then," Amy said out loud as she bit her lip. She leaned into Ricky and placed her lips on his. His warmth radiated into her mouth. She kissed him once. Then twice. He reciprocated on the third and blinked several times as he awoke. His face was struck with confusion and as he began to recognize his surroundings, he smiled._

"_Did it hurt?" He whispered groggily._

_Amy paused, "did what hurt?"_

"_When you fell from heaven?" _

_Amy held back her laughter and punched her boyfriend in the shoulder. "Shut up."_

_Ricky giggled into a cough. Amy pursed her lips._

"_How are you feeling honey?"_

"_Like.. s h i t…" He groaned, not wanting to swear in front of John, even if he was asleep._

"_Is there anything I can do?"_

"_Lean back down for a second."_

"_Whyyy?" Amy chuckled._

"_No, I just want to see something," replied Ricky._

_Amy leaned back into him slowly. He kissed her, forcing a moan from her mouth before stopping._

"_There," he said as she stretched back up, "I am all better."_

"_You're an ass sometimes," Amy giggled, "a really cute one too."_

"_But you love me right?"_

_Amy shook her head, "I can't imagine a world without you."_

* * *

Eventually, staring at Ricky becomes overwhelming and suffocating and I need to leave. I ask a nurse to take me back down to my floor, and re-visit my room to find four new voice mail messages on my phone alongside over 32 texts. I haven't touched my phone since my talk with Ben, and with footage of our accident being played relentlessly on every local station, it is no wonder I have so many people trying to contact me.

I unhook my phone from it's charger. It is 9:58 am. My dad will be here in ten minutes to release me. Seeing as it seems there will never ever be a good time to have to deal with all these people, I sigh and dial my voice mail.

_You have 4 new messages. _

_First unheard message. _

"_Amy? It's Lauren. I just heard. Oh my gosh are you okay? How's Ricky? Are the kids okay? The news said they weren't in the car. They weren't in the car right Amy? Look, I know you're busy, and I know we haven't talked in a while, but Amy… I'm here for you okay? Whatever you need, please, just let me know. Call me as soon as you can okay? Call me!"_

_End of unheard message._

_Second unheard message._

"_Amy! Oh my Gosh- it's Madison! Lauren just told me! Oh my - can't believe this happened to you! How are you doing? How's Ricky? Are the kids okay? We're here for you Ames. All of us. My gosh… Call me okay? I'm really worried! Call me!"_

_End of unheard message. _

_Third unheard message._

"_Amy? It's me, Grace. My mom just told me. I'm so so sorry Amy. I can't believe… I'm just so sorry. How are you doing? How is Ricky doing? How's John? Look, I know it seems like this shouldn't be happening, but we need to put our trust in God right now okay? This is his plan, I really believe that. Call me when you can okay? I'm so so sorry. I'll be praying for you. Bye."_

_End of unheard message._

_Fourth unheard message. _

"_Ames? Its Ashley. Mom and dad just called. I can't stop shaking. They told me everything… I'm so sorry Amy. Call me when you get this okay? Please Amy. Don't shut me out. Not this time. Please. I love you. Call me!"_

_End of unheard messages._

* * *

I stand behind my dad on the porch to my condo, shivering in Ricky's sweater. It's a California spring, and yet, I'm freezing. I stay balanced on my left leg so I can hold my right one slightly above the ground. It is throbbing in pain.

"How's your leg feeling?" My dad mutters to me under his breath as he struggles to unlock the front door to my condo. The key always sticks. I usually have to get Ricky to help me.

I fight to maintain my balance. Walking from the car has winded me, and my left leg is starting to cramp. This is the most I have moved all week. "Bad. I can't stand much longer dad," I groan, "please hurry."

He continues to fumble with the key. "Okay, almost there." I hear him grunt. "There!" He exclaims in victory as he pushes open my front door. He tosses my bags inside before lunging to grab me. I fall against him in defeat and let him lead me into the house.

Shoes litter the front carpet underneath the door. My dad kicks them aside as we enter. The hall closet was left open, and John's red rain coat is slipping off it's hanger. His baseball glove sits on the step that leads into the rest of the condo. Saturday's newspaper and paper plates from Maddie's party litter the coffee table. There is a basket of unfolded laundry sitting on the couch next to one of Maddie's baby books and a stray pink sock. The kitchen sink holds a mountain of dirty dishes. The pie slicer sits on the counter coated in icing.

This is not the home of someone who would not be returning. We were supposed to come home.

"Are you okay?" My dad whispers to me as I stand dumfounded in the middle of the living room.

"Ricky was supposed to fold those," I mumble, gesturing to the laundry basket, "he said he would do it when we got back. I'm going to have to do it."

"Amy, let's worry about that stuff later. Right now you need to eat something and help me grab some things for the kids."

"That's Maddie's favourite book. Ricky always reads it to her. She doesn't like it when I do it."

"Amy stop okay! This isn't helping!"

"John's bed isn't made. He wet his sheets Friday night. They're in the laundry still."

"I can't do this Ames." My dad growls, forcing me to the couch. He grabs the laundry basket and lets it fall to the floor. It lands with a loud bang. I cringe, the sound of the crash ringing in my ears. I start to cry. "Oh baby girl I'm sorry!" My dad cries, bending down to hug me. I lean against his chest. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I forgot."

"I can't do this daddy," I sob into his chest, "I can't live in this place alone! It's too big!"

"I know it seems that way right now," my dad says, "but you are going to get through this!"

"How!"

"I don't know Amy. But you will."

My dad carries me to my room after lunch. I could barely stomach my sandwich, but I'm going to be feeding Maddie in a few hours and she is going to need me to be well nourished. I fall asleep almost instantly, and nap for an hour or so while my dad cleans the apartment. He wakes me around 1 pm and helps me to the car. It is a short drive from our apartment to my old house. We are there by 1:30.

* * *

When we pull into the driveway, I can see John sitting in the window of my old living room. I nervously flip down my visor to examine my face in it's tiny mirror. My bottom lip and forehead are swollen. My skin is a light shade of purple and my eyes are puffy from crying. I am pale.

"Ready?" My dad says. I nod my head slightly. He runs around the car to open my door and helps me out of my seat. An invisible pressure immediately lifts off my chest as I step into fresh air. I don't think being in a car is ever going to feel normal again.

John tears out of the front door and onto the lawn when we start towards the house. He wraps himself around my legs. I stiffen.

"Hi John." I mumble, stroking his head.

"I missed you!"

"I missed you too John."

"You're not going to hug me?" he says in disappointment.

"My leg is hurt honey. Let mommy get inside first okay? Then you can tell me all about your morning."

John takes my hand and pulls me towards the door. "Okay. Are we seeing daddy today? Grandma Annie says he's still sleeping. Is that true?"

"Yes. Daddy is still sleeping," I say as we go inside my old home. He takes me into the living room. Maddie is on the floor with my mom. She claps when she sees me.

"We had McDonalds for breakfast." John says to me, climbing into my lap after I am seated. He pushes against my ribs and I scream.

"John! You have to be careful!" I scold, rubbing my side intensely.

He looks petrified. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"

"I know you didn't," I reply. "It's fine. Just try and be careful okay?"

John hangs his head shamefully. "Okay."

"I'm going to feed your sister and then we are going to go and see daddy. You still want to see him right?"

John nods his head. "Can I sit next to you?"

I sigh. "Yes John, you can sit next to me."

John smiles and pulls himself onto the couch. He nuzzles against me and puts his head against my upper arm. "Is this okay?"

I kiss his head. "This is perfect."

* * *

My heart is ready to beat out of my chest as we approach Ricky's room. John holds my hand tightly; he walks as slow as I do. My mom walks behind us. My dad has agreed to stay home with Maddie. I am quite grateful for the break from him. We are both under too much stress and being around him is making me feel worse than I already do.

"Are you ready John?" I say as we reach the door to Ricky's room. I wish I could crouch down and look him in the eyes and tell him it is going to be okay, but my leg is too sore. I am barely standing as it is.

John nods his head nervously.

"Remember. He looks very different okay? He was badly hurt in the accident. But he is going to get better. Remember that. The doctors are working hard to make daddy all better."

"I know," John exhales.

I look at my mom before pushing open the door, and she nods her head in encouragement. I hold my breath as we enter the room. John gasps in shock. I refuse to look at Ricky, but instead train my eyes on the sight of my son's face, which contorts into pain as he spies his father's body.

John's eyes are wide with fear. "N-N-no!" John cries out, "Mommy!"

"I'm right here baby," I manage to say through my tears as John catapults himself into my legs. He stretches up to me, his small hands begging for me to lift him up. I summon all my strength and pull him into my arms, where he tightly knots his legs around my waist and screams into my shoulder.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" John howls "NOOOO! THAT IS NOT MY DADDY! I WANT MY DADDY!"

"I know baby," I whisper barely audibly. Pressing John tightly against my body is all I can do. I am completely helpless. Unbelievably weak. He continues to scream.

"I WANT MY DADDY!" John cries, "THAT IS NOT MY DADDY! NOOOOOO! DADDY! NOOOO!"

* * *

**Happy Father's Day! I apologize for this last scene on a dad's holiday. Thank you so much for reading! Please remember to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N I researched coma patients quite heavily before writing this story. I mention in this story that Ricky will be wearing clothes while still unconscious. This does not happen in real life, but for the sake of the story, I am writing that it does. If any of you have a problem with this, let me know and I'll change it. **

**Also - I will be updating next Saturday instead of Sunday because I leave for vacation Sunday morning. If you are reading this story, and have not reviewed it, please note that reviews are GREATLY appreciated. I love hearing from you guys!**

* * *

I hear his faint cry just as I am about to fall unconscious. Forcing myself from my sleep, I jerk awake to find John shivering against me. Sweat saturates his hair and his slick skin glistens against the glow from the nightlight he insists we sleep with. He shakes slightly, moaning randomly.

"No!" he groans, beginning to thrash violently.

I slip out from beneath him and nudge him awake. It's another nightmare. "John!" I mumble, my eyes burning with fatigue. "John!"

His eyes snap open and search the poorly-lit room for mine. I force a smile as he catches my gaze. He begins to whimper.

"It's okay honey," I whisper, pulling him into my chest as I sit up. He nuzzles into me, using the shirt I'm wearing that belongs to Ricky to muffle his cries. I rock him back and forth. He hasn't slept through the night once since we returned from visiting Ricky seven days ago; but then again neither have I. This is the second time he was awoken tonight.

"What is it baby?" I mumble as John cries, "What can I do?"

"I just want daddy," John sputters. This is basically the only time he will talk to me. He is quiet during the day.

"I know John," I sniffle, "I want him too."

John pulls from me to wipe his eyes. He is exhausted.

"Come here," I say as I lie back down onto Ricky's pillow. John lies next to me, his chest pressing against my still sore ribs and his head on my shoulder. I rub my hand over his back and whisper to him soothingly as his congested breathing lulls him back to sleep.

* * *

I wake again only 40 minutes later to the sound of Maddie crying. Her wails escape the baby monitor I have resting next to my head, and I hurry to muffle the static cry so that John doesn't wake up. I have decided it is best to keep Maddie in her room instead of moving her crib upstairs. I don't want her to be more confused than she already is, and definitely do not want her getting attached to having me in the room while she sleeps. She is easier to handle than John right now; she doesn't know what happened.

I creep out of the room with the baby monitor in tow and head downstairs.

"Coming Maddie!" I call as I land on the first floor of the condo. I pass my messy living room and dirty kitchen, continuing towards Maddie's room.

Pushing open the door, I see her standing in her crib, her eyes wet with tears. I pout my lips and pick her up. She nuzzles against my chest.

"What's wrong baby girl?" I say as I yawn. I sit us down in her rocking chair. The last time I saw Ricky with Maddie, he was sitting with her in this chair, putting her in some socks before we left for our trip.

"Muk," Maddie moans, sucking her thumb. Ricky used to do that. Bob beat him out of the habit.

I sigh and pull Ricky's shirt up from my waist. Maddie leans into my left arm and places her mouth on my breast. A moment later she lets go of the nipple and starts to cry.

"What? You said you wanted milk!" I argue as Maddie twists out of my arms. I stand up, letting the shirt fall back down, and hoist Maddie against my shoulder. She cries into me as I pace the condo. My legs are weak and sore and my head is fuzzy. It is times like this that I really wish Ricky were here.

A few minutes later, still unsuccessful at calming Maddie down, I enter the living room, push some bibs off the couch and sit. I hear rustling upstairs. John joins me ten seconds later and curls up beside me, laying his head on my thigh before returning to sleep. I exhale a shaky breath.

Sometime after 6, Maddie falls back asleep after letting me feed her. I slip out from under John and return both children to their beds. Too tired to climb back upstairs, I fall to the couch and wrap myself up in a throw blanket. I am out in seconds.

* * *

John shakes me awake at a quarter to 8 asking for breakfast. I grunt and turn on the tv before stumbling into kitchen. All of our bowls lie used in the sink, and I have to wash a good amount of dishes before I am able to prepare John's cereal. He eats on the couch, lost in some silly cartoon, as I go to wake up Maddie. Me and her share a yogurt for breakfast.

It's a Wednesday today. I am under no expectation to return to work anytime soon and have no where to be. We all stay in our pyjamas, watching TV silently until lunch time, where I wash the rest of the dishes and tidy up the kitchen while a frozen pizza cooks in the oven. John and I eat half of it at noon. We will have the rest for dinner.

I read Maddie some books after lunch and put her down for a nap following her one o'clock feeding. John eventually leaves me to go play with some toys in his room. I use my time alone to sleep, again flattening myself onto the couch and passing out. I don't sleep for very long. A knock at the front door disturbs me.

"It's open!" I call from the sofa.

The door clicks open and a girl I barely recognize storms in.

"Adrian?" I cry, springing up from the couch.

Adrian pulls me into a tight hug, embracing me for several seasons before shoving me away. "What the hell Amy?"

"I-I'm sorry?" I stutter, so confused.

"I was just at the hospital. You haven't been there in a week? Are you serious?"

I immediately become light-headed and have to lower myself to the couch gently. "I-I can't be there. It's too much."

"That's not good enough Amy. Ricky needs you. If it were you in that bed, he would never leave your side."

"I WISH IT WAS ME IN THAT BED!" I scream. "You think I don't know how much better Ricky would be at handling this situation? How much he deserves to be awake right now?"

"That's bullshit and you know. What happened happened. There is no changing it. All you can do is make the best of it. And this is not your best! You should be over there today and every day after this until he wakes up! You should sit your children down in that room, explain that their dad is going to get better and make them get used to their new circumstances. Hiding from this isn't going to fix it Amy! You can't hide out in here forever! Look at this place! It's a mess!"

"But he isn't going to wake up Adrian! He isn't going to get better!"

"You don't know that!" Adrian exclaims, sitting down next to me. She is in a pink crop top and high waisted jeans. Sun glasses sit on top of her head. She has died the tips of her hair a light brown.

"Yes I do," I mumble.

"You haven't been there in a week. A lot has changed."

"My dad has been keeping me updated. The swelling is gone, so they closed him up."

"See? He's getting better!"

"It means nothing if it doesn't wake him up Adrian."

Adrian sighs. "Yeah well I just came here to tell you to have a little faith and to stop being so ungrateful. Ricky needs you Amy. You are his wife. It's time to start acting like it."

I watch through tears as Adrian scans over me once with her eyes before standing up and storming out of the condo. The slam of the door calls back a memory before I can stop it.

* * *

"_You said you wanted curly fries," Ricky said from his place behind Amy's kitchen counter as he stared into the fast food bag with an irritated expression drawn across his face._

_Across from him, Amy shrugged her shoulders and folded her arms around her protruding belly. "I changed my mind okay?"_

"_I'm not driving back to the Dairy Shack. My mom didn't give me much gas money this week because I stayed out late and I already blew like half of it going out to get you food."_

"_No one asked you to waste your precious gas money on me Ricky!" Amy rifled._

"_Jeez Amy, I was trying to be nice! Your family left you all alone this weekend. You're pregnant with my baby. Forgive me for wanting to make sure you guys weren't hungry."_

"_Pretending to care about us now? What- Adrian not giving you enough sex all those nights you're disobeying your mom and staying out too late? Trying to get me to sleep with you now?"_

"_Pretending to care? Oh my gosh Amy, you're ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous! No I'm not trying to sleep with you! And since when am I pretending? Maybe I do care about you! You're having my baby for Pete's sake!"_

"_Yeah. I am having _your_ baby. The baby I didn't want! The baby you," she lowered her voice, "put inside of me."_

_Ricky shook his head. "I'm not listening to this crap. Enjoy your fries."_

"_Where are you going? We're supposed to talk!" Amy yelled, chasing Ricky to the back door._

"_We are talking! And apparently I put a baby inside of you, don't give two shits about you and want to have sex with you. I think we've talked enough."_

"_Ricky!"_

"_You're having a baby Amy. You're going to be in charge of another human being. Start acting like it." Ricky mumbled before walking out the door and slamming it shut behind him._

* * *

The next day Margaret and Shakur come over after breakfast. Margaret has started easing back into her social work and needs to visit some people around town, so Shakur will stay with the kids today. Margaret and I sit in the car quietly, not speaking except at one red light where she thanks me for deciding to go back to the hospital. I purse my lips. She shouldn't be thanking me, I should be doing this. It's my job.

It takes me a minute to talk myself into stepping inside of Ricky's room. I haven't seen him in a week, and don't really know what to expect from his appearance. I hold my breath as I finally enter the room and to my surprise, he looks surprisingly better. His head is no longer wrapped in a bandage. His hair has been completely shaved off, replaced with brutal scarring and stitchings. His eyes are no longer swollen and have returned to their normal position. The area around his nose is an eery green and the bone has been set and covered in tape. Little cuts litter his face, but the bruising around his body has receded significantly. The cast in his right arm has been replaced with a sling and both of his hands rest spread out in splints. His legs are still casted. My dad said that his surgery was Monday.

After my initial shock wears off, I am able to breathe normally. I step towards Ricky, smiling as how much better he looks.

"H-Hi," I say as I peck his lips. I freeze. That is the first time we have kissed since before leaving the motel. Since before the accident. "It's Amy. I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I got scared… It was selfish of me. But I'm here now. Some people helped me see things clearly."

I glance around the room, noticing that the room is almost completely covered in flowers. There are cards, and balloons and fruit baskets. The most recent bouquet belongs to Adrian. I smile, extremely grateful to her. Turning back to Ricky, I jump in excitement.

"Guess what I brought you?" I say, fishing through my purse. I pull out a framed family photo. "It's us at John's fourth birthday party." I place the picture on the table to Ricky's left.

Moving into the seat next to the bed, I dump my purse on the ground and curl into a ball. I rest my head in my hand and watch Ricky's chest rise and fall. I feel pulled to say something, but am strangely comforted by this silence for a moment.

* * *

"Rough night?" A woman's voice says suddenly. I raise my head in disorientation and check the time. It's just after 10:30. I must have fallen asleep.

"It isn't like I'm sleeping at home," I joke as the women enters the room in dark blue scrubs and chestnut ombre hair, "got to do it somewhere."

The woman smiles and gives me her hand. "I don't think we've met yet. I'm Jade, one of Ricky's nurses."

"Amy," I reply as I shake Jade's hand. She moves over to the right side of the bed and peeks under Ricky's covers.

"This cutie your boyfriend?" Jade says as she brings Ricky's blanket back up to his waist.

"No.. he's my husband," I say slowly, nervous as to how she will respond. The comment doesn't phase her. "Those are our kids in the picture."

Jade looks at the frame and smiles. "What sweethearts… Good thing you're doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Putting up photos. It makes this place more like home."

"Yeah well I'm hoping that he will wake up before I have to bring anything else in," I reply.

"Me too girl," Jade says distantly, "me too." Things are quiet for a moment. "I'm going to give him his first shave. Want to help?"

"I was actually going to ask you about that," I say. "I was wondering if I could be in charge of those things. Shaving him, dressing him etc."

"That shouldn't be a problem. I'll have his PT teach you all about that stuff. You just need to write down that these things have been done, so that we know not to do them."

"I'm sorry… PT?"

"Physiotherapist."

* * *

"Hi I'm Chloe Tam! It's nice to meet you!" A young, bubbly Filipino girl with long black hair and pink scrubs says to me as she vigorously shakes my hand.

"Amy Underwood," I smile back. I had no idea the staff was so friendly.

"So Jade told me you're ready to learn about Slicky Ricky's therapy?"

"Slicky Ricky?" I chuckle.

"Oh that's what we're calling him at the nurses station. He's very handsome. He's slick. We give all the patients nick names. Kind of a tradition here."

I nod my head.

"So back to his therapy." She turns to look at Ricky. "We set his bones during Monday's surgery. His legs and arm are healing nicely. Once the casting is removed, we will start doing regular stretches with him. Basically what that means is, we rotate his limbs in different directions to keep his joints healthy. His hands are in splints because patients in comatose curl their hands and fingers in over time and the splint keeps them bent naturally."

"Can these things come off?"

"Yes, they are easily removable, but it's important that he wear them as much as possible. When he wakes up, we want him to go through as little rehabilitation as possible."

_If he wakes up,_ I think to myself.

"Any questions?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I want to dress and shave Ricky eventually. I was hoping you could teach me."

"Absolutely. I visit Ricky every Tuesday and Thursday for one hour before lunch. Whenever you are visiting, we will spend my time with Ricky making sure you get familiar with all procedures."

"Sounds great. Thanks so much."

* * *

I did something last night I am starting to regret. I called James requesting that he pick me up from the hospital at 2 pm today and take me to visit Matthew Felps. Felps is the 19 year old whose drunk driving caused our accident. He is being charged on several accounts of property damage, substance abuse, reckless driving and infliction of harm. He is being held at a jail out of town until a mediation by a judge. His official trial, determining his sentence, is scheduled for August. Reuben and James are helping me sue him for what he did to my family. I think it is fitting that I go and see this boy before hopefully putting him away for good. I need him to know what he has done.

"Are you nervous?" James says to me as he pulls into the parking lot of the jail while I wake from my nap. With the jail being 30 minutes out of town, I asked James if it was okay if I nap on the way here and requested to be waken when we arrived.

"A little," I yawn, managing to stretch within the small space of James's Lexus.

"You just let me know if you need anything okay?"

James then leads me inside of the building and signs us both in as visitors. We are checked for any weapons and our cell phones are confiscated. We are then lead to a room that holds ten carrel-like desks side by side, each with a chair, black telephone and large glass pane that looks into a room identical to this one. Area 1, 3 and 7 are occupied. I shuffle over to number 5 and look at James nervously. He waves me forward, encouraging me to sit down. I do.

About a minute later, I hear a faint buzz. The door in the room identical to this one swings open, and a guard in black and a man with a buzzed head in a orange jumper enter their room. The inmate is lead towards me. I feel my breathing hitch. His eyes are cold, his face is stern. He stares at me angrily as he sits in front of me. I cough to regain my composure before reaching for my phone. He rolls his eyes, casually picking up his receiver.

"Matthew?" I say, hoping my voice doesn't sound as if it's shaking. My knees are twitching uncontrollably.

"Who's asking?" He slurs, staring at the ceiling.

"You know exactly who I am." I deadpan. "My name is Amy Underwood. You put my husband in a coma."

"I know it must be easier to think that right now lady, with everything being fucked up for you and all, but i didn't put no body in any coma."

"Yes. You did. And you are going to have to accept that and live with it. You have to live with it for the rest of your life!"

"So?" Matthew snorts.

"So? So a little boy no longer has a father because of you! A little baby doesn't have a daddy any more! My husband is lying practically brain dead in a hospital bed because you were selfish, and got behind the wheel of a truck while drinking, knowing it was the worst decision you could ever make. You have ruined my life. You have ruined my family's life!"

"Bitch you listen to me! I didn't ruin nothing you hear me? Mother fucker had it coming! That's right! They keep asking me if I know what I did and I keep saying no! Know why? Cuz I aint done nothing wrong! If your stupid fucking asses hadn't been there, I'd just crashed and gotten a beating and gone home and done a line. But no! You fuckers showed up. This is your fault. Not mine. Yours. And I hope that son of yours grows a pair and realizes that we all don't get dads. I never knew mine. I did that brat of yours a favour. And when they take me to the stand, and they ask me to fucking apologize to your stupid little family, imma tell 'em to go fuck themselves, cuz i aint don't nothing to no body. You had this coming. Fuck you had it. Shit."

There is enough rage coursing through me in this moment to shatter the glass between us, but in some way, some spiritual way, I manage to not murder this man with my bare hands. Never in my life have I been more appalled, belittled, enraged and grief stricken. I choke down some bile before opening my mouth again. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Do you know why you grew up without a father Matthew? It is because no one could ever love you. You are a worthless piece of trash. And no one cares about you."

Matthew stares me down so strongly, with so much hate, that my heart palpitates. I stand to leave, having to push myself off of the desk to muster the strength that requires me to stand. But before I leave, I turn towards Matthew, still in the same locked position, and whisper into the phone, "I forgive you." This is enough to break him. He lunges at the glass, smashing it several times with his palms while guards run to restrain him. He is swearing at me, naming me as brutal, demoralizing things, screaming about how i am no one to forgive him. His face is bright red; every vein in his neck protrudes. I walk away before he is carried out of sight. He sees me walk away. He sees me finish this. He knows who he is.

* * *

James sprints to catch up to me as I barrel for the car. We hop inside, tearing out of the parking lot almost immediately. James stares at me as he drives, still oblivious to what was said in that conversation. I look ahead, my heart beating out of my chest, my hands shaking like leaves, tears streaming down my face. I try to take deep breaths, but they don't work, and soon I am sure that I am going to vomit.

"James!" I mutter, holding back my gag, "Pull over!"

James hesitates for a moment, but eventually obeys my command. I am out of the car before he can bring it to a complete stop, and run a few feet forward onto the gravel that lines the country road. I vomit everything in my stomach, dry heaving and gagging as more bile and acid rise up my throat. I stand there, hunched over and panting, and wipe the tears from my eyes as I go back towards the car.

"Take me to my husband James," I command, stepping back into the car.

I storm into Ricky's room, my face and shirt stained with tears.

"WHY?" I scream, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"

"Why did this happen? Why aren't you waking up? You selfish bastard! WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE JUST DIED?"

"I wish you had died like a normal person! Now I'm here- living my life in a hospital room with a boy who doesn't understand why the dad who loves him wont fucking wake up!"

"I'm stuck with people wanting to help but no one can because you are gone!"

I collapse against Ricky, sobbing into his chest.

"You are gone and I need you! I just need you! Open your eyes Ricky! Please Ricky! JUST OPEN YOUR EYES!"

And he does.


	5. Chapter 5

**Previously on Wait A Lifetime**

"Adrian?"

"What the hell Amy! You haven't been to the hospital in a week?"

"H-Hi," I say as I peck his lips. I freeze. That is the first time we have kissed since before leaving the motel. Since before the accident. "It's Amy. I'm sorry I was gone for so long."

"I don't think we've met yet. I'm Jade, one of Ricky's nurses."

"Hi I'm Chloe Tam! Slicky Ricky's physiotherapist. It's nice to meet you!"

"His hands are in splints because patients in comatose curl their hands and fingers in over time and the splint keeps them bent naturally."

I called James requesting that he pick me up from the hospital at 2 pm today and take me to visit Matthew Felps. Felps is the 19 year old whose drunk driving caused our accident.

"Matthew, you have ruined my life. You have ruined my family's life!"

"Bitch you listen to me! I didn't ruin nothing you hear me? You had this coming!"

"I forgive you."

This is enough to break him.

I storm into Ricky's room, my face and shirt stained with tears.

"WHY?" I scream, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"

"JUST OPEN YOUR EYES!"

And he does.

* * *

"I don't understand!" I shout at Dr. Thompson. My hands are to my head, grasping my hair in frustration. "He woke up! I saw it!"

"No Amy," Scott says roughly back, "he didn't!"

"But he opened his eyes!" My voice cracks through my rebuttal.

"That is not the same thing." He sighs dramatically and steps towards the end of Ricky's bed where I sit with my hands laying limply in my lap. I run my fingers against the nail bed of my thumb. The skin is picked and raw. "Eye opening is a common thing for coma patients. It represents brain activity, yes, but it does not mean that they are in touch with their surroundings or awake."

"But this means he's going to wake up right? I mean… you just… there's brain activity. That's good right?"

Scott shakes his head. "Of course it's a good sign. However, Ricky's Glasgow Scale is still under eight points. He is still in a heavy comatose state."

Like usual, I am lost. "Glasgow scale? Wha-what's that?"

"The Glasgow Coma Scale is a tool we used to constantly monitor a coma patient's level of brain activity. The scale assesses eye opening, verbal response and physical movement and unfortunately Ricky opening his eyes isn't enough to show much improvement."

I don't care about some stupid medical exam. Ricky opened his eyes. He is in there. I know it. He has to be.

"But there's still a chance right? A chance he could wake up?"

Scott once again shakes his head.

* * *

"Staring at me with your arms hugging that pillow isn't going to make you feel any better Amy," Dr. Fields says to me as he taps his pen against his neck.

I'm in his office, sitting on his grey couch underneath dim lighting. Incomplete thoughts about Ricky and the accident chase themselves around in my head. I don't know where to begin. It is so much easier to just forget; not that I am able to.

"Ricky used to hold that pillow in his sessions," Dr. Fields says after another palpitating moment of silence. I immediately push the pillow from my possession. Dr. Fields makes a face. "He opened his eyes Amy. That's huge."

"Not according to the doctors. I was there Ken. I was screaming at him. Begging him to open his eyes! And he did."

He leans forward in his chair.

"It made me think he was awake! That this was finally all over! Then when he didn't respond, I thought, well maybe he heard me. Maybe he's trying to tell me something." I shake my head. "But he wasn't."

"Why were you screaming at him Amy."

"I had just gotten back from seeing that bastard who hit us." I pause. "Sorry I didn't mean to…"

"No that's good! Be angry at him! You have a right to be angry at him."

"He ruined my life Ken. I am so fucking past being angry at him! I want to kill him!"

I pause, watching Dr. Fields bring a fist to his mouth. He raises his brows, waiting for me to continue.

"He called me a… bitch," I mumble as my throat aches, "said this was my fault."

"Do you believe him?"

"NO!" I shout out. "Of course not! It was a car crash! Caused by a drunk driver!"

"So why scream at Ricky?" Dr. Fields replies with intensity in his voice.

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm angry at him too I guess. He left us! He left me! I need him and he is just gone! He won't wake up no matter how much I ask him to and everything around me is falling apart! My son won't even speak to me anymore!"

"John's taking this pretty hard huh?"

"He doesn't talk to me," I mutter painfully, "only at night, when he needs comforting from a nightmare. He won't sleep in his bed, so he sleeps with me and I'm up half the night with either him or Maddie or both of them."

My eyes well with tears. "I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. Tired of this, tired of worrying about Ricky, about the kids. I can't do this for much longer." I exhale a shaky breath and wipe my eyes. "I just can't."

"Are you sleeping Amy?" I look at Dr. Fields uneasily.

Pursing my lips, I nervously twitch my head. "No," I mumble. "When I try, all I hear is the crash. And when I do finally fall asleep, I have dreams of the crash. I can't get that picture of Ricky out of my head. Him lying there, against the wheel, lifeless." I brush away my tears and cross my arms over my chest.

"Have you told anyone about this? Your parents? Friends? Ricky?"

I stare at the floor distantly. "I don't want to talk about it with anyone okay. I don't want to be reminded! I just want Ricky to open his eyes and be able to hear me and understand me and remember me! He is the only one I can talk to about this and he is gone! He isn't here!"

He shakes his head, staring at me sympathetically. "You're wrong Amy."

"What?"

"I said… you're wrong. He is not the only person you can talk to about this. There is… _one_ other person, and I think you know who it is."

* * *

I swallow the lump stuck inside my throat as I slide the house key in my hand into the lock of the front door of my condo. I enter slowly, not wanting to make too much noise incase the kids are asleep in the living room. Dim lights shine over the main level and I can faintly smell the macaroni and cheese from dinner a few hours ago.

Shakur sits on the couch, his head slumped forward, his arms crossed over his chest and his feet on the coffee table. The TV runs silently, showering the room in a flashing blue light. I drop my purse on the ground and yawn, shuffling over to Shakur to shake him awake.

His jump startles me.

"Sorry," I whisper as his legs drop.

He waves the apology away through a stifled yawn. "It's not a problem. How was the day?"

"Alright," I shrug, fixing up the living room. "How were the kids?"

"John said nothing to me. Just mumbled things to his sister. Although he ate his supper. We had ice-cream for dessert. He requested chocolate."

I sigh. Chocolate is Ricky's favourite.

"Thanks Pop," I say as Shakur stands to leave. He hugs me goodbye, kissing my cheek before grabbing his jacket and stepping out the door. I watch him leave, then step back inside to turn down the lights in the living room and kitchen. I check on Maddie first. She's sound asleep in her crib. A pink bunny, with ears spoiled by dirt and saliva, lies next to her. I make a mental note to wash it this weekend, but I will probably forget.

I hesitate before knocking on John's door. His light is on, accompanied by infrequent loud noises.

"John?" I call quietly as I enter. He stops what he is doing to look up at me. Then, from his place on the floor, returns to his work. He is busy throwing selective toys into a large bin.

"Hi sweetie," I greet while sitting down on the edge of his bed behind him.

"Hi," he mumbles. His focus doesn't waver.

"What are you doing?"

John stops what he is doing but remains silent. "John?"

"I'm throwing out my toys," he mutters sadly.

I sink into place next to him. "Why?"

Silence.

"John… why?" I try again.

"Daddy gave them to me," he says shamefully.

I flatten my lips and sit on my response for a moment before speaking.

"John look at me."

I wait to see him respond. He doesn't.

"Look at me!" He finally turns his head. "It's okay to be sad alright? You don't need to act so strong. That's my job."

John shakes his head.

"What is it honey?" I whisper as my voice catches in my throat.

"You aren't strong mommy! You're sad… it's scaring me."

I wipe my eyes. "I know I haven't been strong John. And mommy is sorry. But things are going to start changing. I'll be stronger. I promise."

"I love you," John whines, entering my arms. I hug him tightly and stroke his hair with my hand.

"I love you too baby," I whisper. "So, so much."

"Can I keep my toys?" John asks shyly as we part.

I chuckle. "Yes honey. You can keep your toys."

* * *

It's almost 9:30 by the time I get John down. He's asleep in my bed again, but at least he's asleep. I tidy up the kitchen first, throwing myself into scraping the pots that hold leftover macaroni. When the dishes are clean, I finish the living room and collapse on the couch almost 45 minutes after coming downstairs. I peel the throw blanket off of the top of the sofa and wrap myself up with it. Leaning my head against a pillow, my eyes settle on the corner of the coffee table and he comes running back to me.

_He kissed her neck, dragging his lips down to her collarbone as his hand creeped up her shirt. She moaned as he found his way past her bra. _

"_Ri-Ricky." She whispered, pushing her stomach up against his. He rocked into her._

"_What?" He slurred, capturing her lower lip between his teeth._

"_I don't want … John to see… Let's go upstairs…"_

_Ricky gave her a rough kiss before shuffling to the other end of the couch. "You're going to have to give me a minute," he chuckled, pulling on the fabric of the jeans near his crotch. _

_Amy sneaked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his torso. "I didn't say you had to stop," she whispered, kissing the side of his head. _

"_I know…" he purred, kissing her lips. "I just don't think I can make it upstairs in _this_ condition."_

"_You're so sensitive," Amy giggled._

_Ricky scoffed._

"_What!" Amy giggled some more, "it's not a bad thing!"_

"_How do you expect me to not be turned on by you?"_

"_You're already getting lucky tonight. I don't know what you're trying to do here, but I like it."_

_Ricky laughed. "Alright. Well if I'm getting lucky tonight, you won't mind if I do this."_

"_Do what?"_

_Ricky crouched down on his hands and his knees, his head facing the fireplace. "Hop on."_

"_It's pitch black in here. I can barely see you." Amy whispered loudly. "What are you doing?"_

"_Giving you a horsey ride like I do with the kids."_

_Amy laughed. "You're an idiot."_

"_Would you just get on already?"_

_Amy outstretched her hands and felt her way towards her husband. "Okay," she said once on top of him."_

"_Hang on," he smiled, slowly starting to crawl. A moment later he jolted, cursing in pain._

"_What did you do?" Amy laughed._

"_I went right into the freaking coffee table," he whispered in pain. "Get off. I'm bleeding!"_

"_You are not," Amy said, shaking her head in amusement as she slid off of Ricky and sat beside him. _

"_See for yourself," grunted Ricky. Amy kissed his forehead. _

"_You're such an idiot," laughed Amy._

"_Stop laughing!" Ricky scolded as he broke into a grin. "It hurt!" _

"_Do you want me to get Boo Boo Man?"_

"_No." Ricky pouted. "But another kiss won't hurt."_

The tears slip out from under my thick lashes. I don't bother opening my eyes again, hoping I will fall asleep. Somehow, I do.

* * *

12 hours later, my dad meets me at the hospital. He took John to the park for the morning so that Maddie and I could visit with Ricky since John still refuses to see him. I, however, am getting more and more used to seeing Ricky in this condition. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for me; I was upset, damaged. Today I feel healed.

I'm choosing to follow Dr. Field's advice and move forward. I don't want to think about what Matthew did or what he chose to say to me. I will see him in court, where everything will be settled and he will get what he deserves. Right now I need to take the time to focus on my family, especially on my son who is desperately needing my affection. If I am not there for him, it is going to ruin our relationship for the rest of our lives.

What pains me is the belief I carry that Ricky was always the better parent. Somehow becoming a teen parent lifted his spirits, where as it just brought mine down. He and I both recognized the resentment I carried towards John for several years, and it put a strain on our relationship as co-parents. Of course I know that none of this was ever John's fault, and my decisions and my actions during his first few years of life continue to haunt me. I wish I could go back and tell people how sorry I am for how I acted when I was pregnant with John. I luckily have an excuse for my behaviour. As did Ricky, every time he sexually acted out. But when it came to John, and Maddie, Ricky never made excuses. He embraced parenthood more than I have ever embraced anything in my entire life. From the moment I first saw him hold John, I knew what type of father he would be. It both excited me, and scared me, knowing I could never live up to this young boy's potential as a parent.

Maddie and I are reading a touch-and-feel book when John and my dad arrive. John sits down on the chair outside of the room and pulls out a small figurine.

"We had McDonalds for breakfast," my dad says, gesturing to the toy.

"That's fine," I reply, as Maddie swats at the book. "Thanks for taking him."

"No problem. I'm going to grab a coffee down stairs before I go. You want me to take her? Drop her off this evening? She could spend the day with your brother."

"No. That's okay. I like that she is getting used to this place. I'll be fine. Just don't be too late getting supper okay?"

My dad kisses my head. "I won't."

"Where are you going anyways?" I say as I stand up.

"I have some business I need to take care of."

"Meaning?"

"Look… Margaret and Shakur didn't want me telling you this… but Nora got arrested."

"Arrested?"

My dad nods his head. "I didn't get all the details but she was drinking and driving and-"

"After her own son was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Unbelievable," I mutter.

"Anyways. She got arrested, so Shakur and I are going to get her and try to get her into a rehab facility. If we do that, the cops will drop the charges."

"Good luck," I mutter, saddened that Nora would do such a thing.

"Do you care what I bring over tonight?"

"No," I reply as Maddie starts to whimper. I jostle her to calm her down. "Just not Chinese. It's Ricky's fav-"

"It's Ricky's favourite. I know. No Chinese. Promise. You look tired. Try and get some sleep okay?"

"Sure," I say as my dad waves goodbye from the hallway.

* * *

"_Sure I can come over," Ricky smirked into his phone. He leaned against a set of orange lockers, one foot also flat against the wall with his knee bent. He wore a black long sleeve underneath a red t shirt. His navy jeans had a hole in the knee. He would have to ask his foster mom for new ones soon. _

_Keeping a casual eye on the bathroom across the hall, Ricky smiled into his phone again. "Sounds great," he murmured, his face falling as the door to the bathroom began to open. "Listen, I got to go. I'll call you about tonight."_

_He hung up just as she entered the hallway. She rolled her eyes when she noticed his presence and attempted to storm away. He jogged in front of her to block her._

"_Amy wait."_

"_What d-do you want?" She stammered._

"_You bolted out of band practice as soon as Sedlack said we could leave."_

"_So?"_

_Ricky paused, summoning an excuse. "So you're okay right?"_

"_Why do you care?" She tried to get around him. He stopped her._

"_I just wanted to make sure you were alright! Can you just slow down for a second?"_

"_No. I can't."_

"_I'm sorry. I just wanted to see if-." He caught himself before continuing. "Nevermind."_

"_Gladly." Amy muttered. "Now if we're done here, I need to get home."_

"_I'll walk you."_

"_I don't think that's a good idea."_

"_Please Amy."_

"_No Ricky. Please. Just leave me alone."_

"_Look Amy…" he said, glancing around the empty hallway._

"_Sorry Ricky…" She mumbled, her face paling. "I have to go." She grabbed her stomach and disappeared back into the bathroom. _

_Ricky tried to chase after her, but was distracted by a call on his phone. He kicked the wall in anger and cursed. He had heard some kids mumbling about her having the flu. He didn't feel right having her walk home alone like he normally saw her do. Giving up, Ricky answered the phone. He didn't want to be around when Amy returned from puking her guts out._

* * *

I wake from a dream about me and Ricky around 2:30 pm. I sit up and yawn, smiling at Maddie asleep in her carrier. Soon we are going to have to find a portable play pen for her to nap in when visiting with me. I kiss Ricky's scabbing cheek and stand, stretching my arms out in front of me before walking out of the room.

"John are you okay?" I say as I enter the hallway. I look down at John's chair. He's gone.

My heart immediately begins to race. "John!?" I call, my head sweeping from side to side. "John!" I step further into the hallway and spin in a tight circle. He is no where to be seen.

I run to a nurse exiting another patient's room. "Sorry, can you watch my daughter for a second? She's asleep in that room there. Thanks."

"John!" I call again, running down an adjacent hallway. I quickly check every open room, receiving irritated stares from patients and their families. I run back up the hallway and cross into another one, repeating the same strategy. I continue to call John's name. This isn't like him. He knows not to run off. Something has to have happened. Something bad.

Coming up short again in this hall, I return to the nurses station and ask a familiar nurse if she's seen John. She shakes her head. She just came back from break. I sprint to the other half of the floor, debating whether to go left or right. I go right. "John!" I scream even louder as I come across a piece of his figurine. My heart races even faster. Where could he be?

"John!"

"John!"

"Excuse me, have you seen a little five year old boy?" I ask an older women walking by. She hurries away from me.

"John!"

I start to cry.

"John!"

"Mommy!"

I heard his voice. I heard it. I whip around in circles, stopping as he appears in front of me in tears. I run to him and wrap my arms around him tighter than I ever have before.

"Where were you!" I cry.

"I had to go to the bathroom but didn't want to wake you up!" John wails. I wipe tears from his cheeks. "I got lost and I had an accident!"

I hug him again. "It's okay honey. You're safe now."

* * *

"Do you want me to spend the night?" My dad offers as he hands me the plates from dinner while I begin clearing the dirty sink of its dishes.

"No. We should be okay. Today tired him out, so he should go down easily."

"Poor kid. He got scared pretty good huh?"

"I've never seen him so distraught… well except for when he first saw…."

"Yeah." My dad nods his head. "Look Amy… There is something your mom and I have been meaning to ask you since you first came home."

"What is it?"

"We want to know what you would think about moving back home." I gape at my dad. "You wouldn't have to sell the condo or anything, just come home for a while. At least until school starts. That way you can leave the kids at home, have your meals prepared, not have to worry about laundry or cleaning. Your mother and I could-"

"No dad," I say. "It's a nice idea and I'm sure you would both be a huge help, but I need to do this on my own."

"Amy! Your son won't step foot into his father's hospital room. You can't drive without having some sort of anxiety attack. And your son got lost today and peed himself in an elevator. You cannot keep doing this on your own! Your apartment's a mess, you're extremely sleep deprived. Amy you need us!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes! You do!"

"No! Forget it! I'm not moving in with you!"

"Amy this isn't under discussion. Start packing your things. We move tomorrow."

My dad leaves without saying another word. I wait until the door closes shut to break down. I cry as I clean, scrubbing the dishes so hard that they keep flying out of my hands. One dish flies against the backsplash, shattering into several pieces.

"Ughhhhhh!" I scream, collapsing on the floor in tears. I hear a door open from somewhere in the house and John appears a second later. He's in his pyjamas, his eyes groggy with sleep.

Analyzing the situation, John creeps into the kitchen, sure to avoid the broken glass.

He takes me in his arms, hugging me as I cry. I lean against his small chest and sob. He holds my head against him.

"It's okay mommy," he says. "You're safe now."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Dear readers, to be honest, when I first started this story, I expected a lot more feedback than what I have been receiving and I'm starting to think that no one likes this story for whatever reason. If you think I should stop this story, please tell me and I will. I don't want to be putting a lot of effort into writing if no one is going to read it, because I seriously do this for you guys. So this is chapter 6, and I currently have 27 reviews. I'm going to think about pausing the story for a while until I reach over 35 reviews. I know this is disappointing, but I start university in eight weeks, and do not want to be putting valuable time into my writing if no one cares enough to read it. **

**That aside, the ending of this chapter is very important, and tomorrow, I will be changing the character list included in the summary. Enjoy :)**

* * *

"Good morning," I say to one of Ricky's nurses, Andrea, as I walk into his room early on this Saturday morning.

"Mornin' Amy," Andrea smiles at me while she finishes changing Ricky's catheter. I wriggle my nose in disgust and sit down by the window that overlooks the traffic on the street below. The thought of changing bags of pee makes me gag. I'm so grateful for the nursing staff.

"How are you?" I say to the olive skinned, black haired nurse in purple scrubs.

Andrea shrugs. "Same old I guess. Tired." She laughs as she checks Ricky's injuries.

"Me too," I reply, staring at Ricky lustfully while Andrew removes her gloves.

"Where's the niños today?" She means the kids.

"My dad took them for the day. They'll be here this afternoon though."

"Ah, well my shift ends at three. Tell Johnny to come find me if he gets here before then."

"I will Andrea," I chuckle as she leaves the room, "thanks."

My eyes shift to Ricky. I shuffle towards him and lie down on his left. Propping myself up against his pillow, I rest my head on his shoulder and look out the window. His injuries are healing nicely. His hair is in a nice buzz cut that I often amuse myself with by running my hands through. His bones have been completely reset and much like my own ribs, are at the stage where they are no longer in constant pain. His legs lie in splints along with his hands. Chloe, his PT, says we can start dressing him in clothes next week.

It has been 4 weeks since the accident. Two weeks ago, John, Maddie and I moved back in with my parents, but I still don't feel at home. I didn't want to move, needing to do as much of this on my own as possible. I admit that these past weeks have been easier, but I hate feeling as if I am back to where I was four years ago, raising a baby alone underneath my parent's roof. I feel as if I've somehow ended up back at square one, although I know that isn't the case. My parents are doing whatever they can to help me, and I do appreciate it. Despite wanting to live alone, I know I would not be able to survive this without the help of my parents.

The garage is still in the condition that Ashley left it. But she will be coming home soon with Toby and her new daughter, so we have decided to leave that space for her. Plus, John and Maddie need supervising when I am visiting Ricky, so Maddie sleeps with me in my old bedroom and John stays with Robbie. It has only been two weeks and I am already losing my mind. What scares me is that I don't feel like I am ever going to be ready to raise two kids on my own, and I do not want to be living with my parents for the rest of my life.

"You wouldn't hate me if I sell the condo would you Ricky?" I think out loud. "When you wake up, we can always just look for a new one. This time, I get to pick the place though. Not that I don't love the condo, I do. It's just only fair that I get to choose this time. Especially after you put me through all of this!"

I chuckle at my joke. It isn't that funny. I stare at Ricky, still drawn towards his striking features even when they are layered with scabs and bruises. He is starting to look like himself more and more each day.

"I love you," I whisper to him after I gently kiss his lips.

Resting my head on his shoulder again, I sigh and raise my eyes to the window. I close them gently, soothed by the sound of the passing cars outside and the hospital's medical announcements in the hallway. It isn't long before I fall asleep.

* * *

"_Hey. Wake up." She said sternly, her arms across her chest as she stood over the couch where he slept. "Wake up. Hey."_

_He jolted in his slumber and sat up, groggy with fatigue. "Amy?"_

"_Sorry," She murmured. "Your mom said I could wake you. I'm dropping John off like we scheduled."_

_He looked around the room. "Where is he?"_

"_Upstairs with your mom."_

"_Oh."_

"_He won't go down for his nap."_

"_I'll get him down," Ricky said standing. He walked over to his dresser. _

_Amy scoffed. "How?"_

"_Easy. I play him some of that," Ricky replied, pointing to a stereo on his shelf encased between several piles of CDs._

_Amy walked over to the shelf. "What does he like?"_

"_Little bit of everything," Ricky said as he pulled out a black shirt._

"_Can I turn it on?" _

_Ricky shrugged his shoulders and closed the dresser drawer. He brought his arms to his waist and grabbed the hem of his shirt. _

"_It isn't working." Amy complained, pressing a few unlabelled buttons. _

"_Is it on the right mode?" Ricky mumbled, his head caught underneath the sweat dampened shirt he had slept in. _

"_Yes?" _

_Ricky pulled the shirt off his body, his skin prickling with goosebumps as he threw it in the hamper. "Hang on," Ricky said, whipping his black t-shirt over his shoulder. He walked over to Amy and stepping in behind her, reached his arm in front of her and touched the stereo. _

_Amy's eyes wandered to his chest. She spied his fading goosebumps and bit her lip slightly at his abdominal muscles. Jumping as Ricky slid a hand onto her shoulder, Amy forced her eyes back to the sound system. _

_Ricky smiled and lowered his voice to a husky whisper. "The volume was down. You need to raise it."_

_He curled the volume dial slightly. A soft drum beat began to play. _

"_S-sorry," Amy mumbled, as a weird feeling spread across her breasts._

"_It's okay. No need to -… umm Amy? You're leaking."_

_Amy looked down at her chest. A wet circle had appeared over her right nipple._

"_Shoot!" Amy cried, her hands curling in frustration. "I can't believe this keeps happening. Can I use your bathroom?"_

"_Sure, umm, it's in the front hall upstairs." Ricky said, pointing up. _

"_Thanks. You won't tell anyone about this right?"_

"_Amy, you ask me this every time this happens. No I'm not going to tell. You're the mother of my son! I got your back!"_

"_Thanks," she said before storming upstairs._

"_Besides," Ricky mumbled to himself, limping over to the couch, "You're pretending you didn't see my boner."_

* * *

"Mommy!" I hear John's voice in my head. It's followed by the sound of cars crashing. I spring from my sleep, slick with sweat. Ricky lies beside me. It's the middle of the afternoon. I didn't mean to sleep this long.

"Mommy!" I hear again. I didn't imagine it. I kiss Ricky's head and tell him I'll be right back before sliding off of the bed and stumbling into the hallway where John runs to greet me. He hugs me tightly.

"Look!" He grins, forcing a lollypop into my line of vision.

I laugh. "Sweet! Where'd you get this?"

"Jade gave me it. Grandpa Georgie has the one Andrea gave me, but he says I can have it after dinner."

"Your grandpa's right. I missed you! How was your day at the park?"

"Fine. Robbie and me made a sand castle and then Maddie kicked it down and we had to re build it and she almost ruined it again but i stopped her so she cried and then we got ice-cream to make her stop."

"That's a nice story," I say, sitting down in the chair outside of the room to pull John into my lap.

"Grandpa Georgie said to tell you that he is getting the car."

"Okay. We will go then. I'm babysitting you guys tonight so grandma and grandpa can get some baby stuff for Aunt Ashley."

"Yaaay! Can we play Candyland? Robbie showed me how to play."

"Sure we can. Do you want to see your daddy quickly before we go?"

John slides off of my lap and begins to walk towards the elevator. "No." He says flatly, turning to face me, "now come. I wanna go home."

* * *

"No you can't do that Robbie! You rolled a three!" John shouts at my brother Robbie from across the living room coffee table. I roll my eyes, continuing to pace the room with Maddie in my arms. When we moved in, I stopped breastfeeding. She isn't taking it well.

"Yes I can Johnny! It's my game!" Robbie shouts back.

"I'm older!" John rebuttals, standing up. Robbie follows his lead.

"I'm your uncle!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Boys!" I shout at the kids. They stop to stare at me. They really look alike. "Maddie is trying to sleep. No more games. Go get your pyjamas on. We're going to read before bed."

"I don't want to read Amy!" Robbie pouts.

"Robbie. I said we're reading and that is that. You know I don't have patience for you right now! Mommy and daddy put me in charge of everyone tonight. So we're reading."

Robbie frowns and begins to walk out of the room. "Daddy said living with my sister would be fun. HE LIED!"

John follows him out, stopping at the entrance to the front hallway. He turns around. "Don't worry Maddie. You're funner than mommy is."

I glance at Maddie, against my chest with her thumb in her mouth and watery eyes. "Brothers. Huh Maddie?" I whisper while kissing the top of her head.

"Ya." Maddie mumbles as her eyes close shut.

* * *

"_I hope it's a boy sometimes," Ricky said to Amy as he stopped brushing her wet hair. She sat beside him, a small heavy bump protruding from under her night gown._

"_You do?" She said, rubbing her stomach. "Why?"_

_He shrugged. "I don't know. I kind of like the idea of John having a brother."_

"_You don't want a daughter?"_

"_No, I do. I just think that bonding with a brother is nice. I had that for a while, with that kid Ethan I told you about."_

"_Do you ever wish you had a biological sibling?"_

"_I used to. I think it would have helped to have someone that really understood the abuse and been a support system for me in foster care."_

"_I'm sorry you had to go through that all alone."_

_Ricky kissed her lips. "It's okay. I'm not alone anymore. Plus I'm glad John won't be alone either. I feel better knowing he will have someone."_

"_Do you think he'll make a good brother?" Amy inquired, turning around to face Ricky more directly._

_He rubbed her stomach. "I think so."_

"_I wish I had been a better sister to Ashley sometimes." Ricky's face was stern, sympathizing with her guilt. "I mean I didn't exactly set the best example by getting pregnant in high school and I treated her like crap after John was born."_

"_Hey!" Ricky interrupted. "Look you did the best you could for who you were at the time. Besides, there are a lot of things about band camp that we both regretted for a long time. It wasn't just you."_

"_Do you still have any regrets?"_

"_Honestly?" Ricky asked. Amy nodded her head. "Yeah. I mean, maybe not about that night, because it brought us to where we are today, but I definitely regret how I acted while you were pregnant with John."_

"_Ricky-"_

"_No. We never talk about this and it's wrong. I should have stood by you Ames. I had feelings for you, I really did. I was just too scared and too proud and too fucked up to admit them. We could have been so happy. Things could have been so different, and I screwed it all up."_

"_Listen to me. You screwed nothing up alright? Nothing. And we are happy. Now. Just like we are supposed to be. Nothing is going to change that, just like nothing can change what happened four years ago."_

"_You deserved a hero…"_

"_I have one Ricky. You're my hero. And you always will be."_

* * *

Two weeks later, I enter Ricky's room (as I do at the same time every day) to find one of Ricky's nurses, Gavin, sitting next to the bed, reading a newspaper out loud. "I'm just reading him some baseball stats. I usually do it before you get here, but I had a later shift today."

"That's fine. I'm sure he enjoys it," I smile, grabbing the front of my shirt to shake it a few times. It's damp with sweat. It's the middle of June now, and lately temperatures have been rising drastically. The days are already almost unbearable, even at 10am.

"Margaret said he used to play?"

I step to Ricky's side and affectionately stroke his hair. "Yeah he did. He was great. I didn't know him when he played, but I've heard stories."

"Sounds nice," Gavin says, standing. He is in his usual green scrubs. He's irish and carries a hint of the accent in his voice. His hair is an amber red, short and messy. His glasses are too big for his face and always fall off. He says he's too busy to get them repaired.

"Do you want me to leave this here?" He gestures to the paper.

I nod my head. "Sure. Thanks Gavin."

"Bye Ames." Gavin says as he goes to leave.

I wait for him to close the door before hopping onto the bed to saddle Ricky. His nose is slightly crooked, but aside from that, his face is basically back to normal. I smile at his handsome face, happy to see him healing so well. It's been six weeks since the crash; the longest six weeks of my life.

I place my hands on Ricky's shoulders and lean forward. Kissing his neck, I moan softly.

"Mmm you smell good today. Jade must have given you a wash." I nurse his neck some more.

"This is the third time I've tried to seduce you since you've been in here." I flick his ear lobe with my tongue. "I'm starting to think you didn't like sex as much as you claimed you did."

I take his left hand and remove its splint. I place the hand on my breast. "One squeeze Ricky. Just let me know you're in there."

I wait. Nothing. I lay his hand back down. "That's okay Ricky," I say as I spread his fingers back around the plastic grip. "We'll try again tomorrow."

I walk to the front of the room and unzip John's backpack. He's downstairs with my mom, grabbing a jello from the cafeteria before we go to the water park for the afternoon.

"Let's see. We've got a picture from John." I walk to the window and stick it up with some tape. "He didn't draw it for you… but I think you should have it anyways."

I turn to Ricky's nightstand. "Then we have flowers from Nora's rehab centre. She's doing well Ricky. I don't want you to worry okay? Then we have flowers from Adrian. I hear she stopped by yesterday after I left. Did you have a nice time?"

I walk back over to John's bag. About to zip it up, something strange catches my eye. I reach inside, removing rigged pieces of paper as I pull up my hand.

It's a torn up Father's Day card.

* * *

"John.." I say out loud at the dinner table as my mom brings in some cookies for dessert. He looks up from the video game Robbie is playing. "I want to speak to you after dinner okay?"

John nods his head absentmindedly, returning to the game.

We finish our meal and my mom takes Maddie up for her bath so that I can talk with John. We enter the living room holding hands. I sit him down on the couch and plop down next to him.

"Is daddy dying?" He says abruptly, as I prepare myself.

"What?" I squeak. "What makes you think that?"

"You look sad. You cried today. We're having a special talk."

"Honey…" I lower my voice, guilted by what I'm about to say next, "I cry every day."

"I know," John mumbles. "So… is he?"

"No honey! No your daddy isn't dying!" I pull him into a tight hug. He doesn't seem relieved, nor upset. He's simply neutral.

"Then why are we talking?"

I frown slightly and reach around the couch for John's backpack. "I found something today. Something you must have made at daycare a few days ago during your first week back."

"What?"

I unzip the bag and pull out the ripped Father's Day card. John's face falls.

"John honey… What is this?"

"It's garbage," he lies.

"No John. It's not. You made this for daddy didn't you?"

John nods his head.

"And you ripped it up because?"

"He isn't going to see it. He's sleeping." John whimpers.

"But John, you know the doctors think Daddy can still hear us right?"

"Then why doesn't he wake up?"

"I don't know sweetie. I really don't know."

"See?"

"But what I do know is that Daddy would love to get this card from you. He would love to spend his father's day with you."

"He still loves me right?"

My eyes well with tears. "Yes John. Daddy still loves you. He is always going to love you. No matter what you do, no matter what happens."

"Is he mad at me for not visiting?"

"No honey. He understands."

"Would it be okay if I go to see him?"

* * *

We stand outside Ricky's room, hand in hand. John stares up at me nervously. His other hand grips the card we re-created last night before bed.

"Its okay John. I'll be right here okay?"

John exhales. "Okay." Letting go of my hand, he walks to the door and pushes it open. My heart pounds as he enters. He stops walking when he sees Ricky and looks back at me for a moment in hesitance. I nod my head. He blinks and turns back to his dad.

"Hi daddy," I hear John whisper as he climbs onto the bed. "It's me. John."

* * *

The wheel on our shopping cart is one of those wheels you always hope doesn't befall on the cart you choose when entering the grocery store. It's one of those wheels that you need to kick to get straight, that wobbles when the cart is in motion and squeaks loud enough for the entire store to hear.

I roll my eyes as I struggle to swing the cart into an adjacent cracker aisle. John giggles in the back of the buggy beside Robbie. They've opened a box of cereal without my permission. I grunt and grab the box. Robbie sticks his tongue out at me. John hesitates before following, but doesn't hold the face long before collapsing against the metal cart in laughter. Robbie copies him.

"John, Robbie, if I need to tell you one more time to settle down, we aren't going to see that movie this afternoon. I took you boys out of daycare so that we could have a nice day together, and both of you are ruining it."

"Yeah Johnny!" Robbie howls.

John shoves his shoulder. "Stop it Robbie!" He mutters before forgetting his uncle and digging around the shopping cart for his McDonalds toy.

I stop the cart near some shelves of pasta and put three packages in the cart. Checking the list my mom gave me, I push the cart into the main aisle near the frozen foods and drive us to the produce side of the store.

I stop near some watermelon and hold onto the cart as Robbie moves around, causing it to shake.

"Stay seated guys." I say, moving around the island of fruit. "I'm just getting a couple melons and then we're going." The boys grunt, distracted by a racing game on the iPod that Robbie has pulled out of his pocket.

I reach for a dark green melon and pull it into my arms. Sliding off the stand, my arms drop down as gravity yanks on the heavy fruit. I struggle to remain balanced as I shuffle over to the bottom of the shopping cart.

I hear someone call my name. "Amy! Hey wait! Amy!"

A tall man with broad arms, white tank top and blonde buzzed hair hiding under a snapback approaches me quickly. I strain to see his face hidden under the brim of his cap. He arrives in front of me and I feel foolish for not being able to recognize him. It's Jack.

"Jack? Oh my gosh hey!" I greet, shocked to see him.

Jack grins and gestures to the watermelon. "Want some help?"

I giggle. "Could you?"

He grabs the fruit with barely any flex in his huge biceps and rolls it onto the bottom of the cart. He sees John. His face falls.

"Hey," he says quietly as he stands up.

"Hi," I say back, bringing my hands to my hips.

"I meant to call…"

"But you didn't," I snap. He squints his eyes and looks at the ground.

"How is he?" Jack asks, running the toe of his sneaker on the ground shyly.

I shrug. "Better I guess. There's still no chance he'll wake up though."

"Yeah. Grace told me."

"You two still see each other?"

"What? Me and Grace?" Jack points to his chest. "Not really. I'm too busy with football to make time for her busy med school schedule. I saw her after she visited you guys a few weeks ago."

"You know, of all people, I kind of expected you to be the one visiting."

"I know. And you're right. I'm sorry I didn't. I just couldn't bear to see him in that condition."

My eyes glaze over with sadness and the corner of my mouth twitches.

"How are you doing?" Jack says after a moment of silence.

"I'm managing." I look at my son and brother. "We all are."

"You ever get time off?"

I shrug. "Pretty much any time without the kids is spent with Ricky. I kind of want to be there when he wakes up you know?"

Jack nods. "I get it. I was just going to tell you to take sometime for yourself too. You deserve it."

"Thanks Jack."

"I should get going. My girlfriend's waiting in the car."

"Yeah!" I exclaim. "Us too. I mean - we should get also get going."

Jack pulls me in for a hug. "Take care Amy."

I hug him back. "You too Jack."

"Maybe I'll see you around sometime," Jack suggests.

"Maybe."

"Bye John!" Jack waves over to the cart as he begins to walk away. I watch as he exits the store and disappears into the bright afternoon sun.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I'd just like to thank everyone for their touching words this past week. I know it isn't fair that I threaten to stop writing, but I was quite nervous and discouraged by a lack of responses, and your support was exactly what I needed to find the drive to finish this story. I sincerely thank you all for continuing to support me.**

**As to the Guest who mentioned my arrogance and how boring this story is. Id like to say that I find this story to be extremely real to life. I've put a lot of thought into the grieving processes these characters endure. It's realistic, which I think sometimes justifies a story not being very exciting. As for you labelling the plot as uncreative, this is fan fiction. Ideas will become common. I recognized this story as common before I began writing it, but this story has never been done before for Secret Life. The beautiful thing about fan fiction is that ideas can be overused, but will always be different, so I do not agree with you. I find this story interesting and new. **

**And in response to your remark about me being arrogant about my "precious time", i don't know about you or anyone else, but I like to think of my time as precious. I like to be productive with the time I have, and I want to use it writing for people. If no one reads, I have no reason to write. **

**Thank you for reading such a long note. You get a gold star. I now present, chapter 7. Enjoy.**

* * *

Today is a Saturday in late June. The heat wave that began a few weeks ago has finally retired, leaving behind cool breezes and lots of showers. I keep an umbrella in the van that I have started driving again since moving in with my parents. After the accident, I could barely stand being in a car, but lately have found being inside of a vehicle to not be so bad. Dr. Fields says that this is a good sign; the bags underneath my eyes say differently. While John's nightmares have subsided into infrequent hazy dreams, mine are more intense than ever. At night I thrash around violently in my sleep, dreaming of my life before the accident, imagining being put in a coma instead of Ricky or envisioning him waking up with no idea of who I am. I'll spring from my sleep only when my screams become too loud.

I smile at familiar faces as Maddie and I walk towards Ricky's room. She holds my hand, taking big steps in her pink sandals as we approach. I push her stroller alongside me and carefully guide her across the floor. She likes to sit in her stroller while we visit with Ricky. She'll read books out loud, calling me at random to come and look at pages she doesn't understand but believes she does. Sometimes she even calls for Ricky, but I think it's just a reflex. She's starting to do it less and less, which saddens me. I don't want her forgetting him.

When we turn into Ricky's room, I'm startled by a male figure. He's seated in the chair beside Ricky with his head in his hands. A cross hangs from a chain around his neck and I once again place him by his biceps before I have the chance to see his face. He spins around abruptly, shocked by our presence.

"Jack?" I say in surprise as I lock the wheels of the stroller.

He stands and nervously wipes his hands on the side of his cargo shorts. "Hi Amy."

"What are you doing here?" I let go of Maddie's hand and go to hug him. He holds me for several seconds, shaking slightly. We part when Maddie begins to whimper for my return.

"I thought about what you said," Jack mumbles as I bend down to pick Maddie up. "Figured it was time I came to see him."

"You didn't have to! I mean, I know how much you hate hospitals, but thanks."

Jack nods his head and turns to Ricky. "He looks good."

"Yeah!" I say, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Ricky's in denim jeans and a faded green Mountain Dew t-shirt. "He's doing good."

"I'm glad. Any changes?"

I shake my head. Jack purses his lips and sticks his hands into his pockets.

"Hut!" Maddie cries, reaching towards Jack. Jack looks up, confused.

"What?"

I smile. "She likes your hat."

"Oh," Jack grins nervously. He slips the snapback off his head and hands it to Maddie. She hugs it and cackles. "She's really beautiful Amy."

"Thanks," I say, admiring Maddie's bright red hair. It's down to her ears, curling like Ricky's used to.

"I can't believe I've actually never met her before."

"Right!" I realize. "You haven't. Why is that?"

Jack shrugs. "No reason. Ricky showed me pictures though…. Where's John?" He looks around the room.

"Oh he doesn't like really like coming in here. At first he didn't do it at all, but we're slowly making progress. Ricky's parents have him for the afternoon."

"I'm glad you have help."

"Me too." I say.

"Do you have plans for lunch?" Jack asks meekly. I look up at him. "I mean… would you want to get something to eat? With me?"

"Well… I usually just go down to the cafeteria and eat there. I doubt you'd be into that though."

"No, that's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm down," Jack says as Maddie drops his hat. He bends down to retrieve it. "Umm Amy?" he mumbles as he stands back up, "Would it be okay if I tried holding her?"

"Of course," I reply, lifting Maddie towards him. He gently accepts her in his arms and smiles down nervously at her. She looks up at him, intrigued, and then once again reaches for his hat. I giggle and go to stand, but foolishly forget that two months ago I had a dislocated leg. It loses strength and slips out from under me. Jack catches the arm I don't tightly wrap around the hospital bedrail.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I say embarrassed as I push myself up. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"Do you need the stroller?" Jack asks, pointing towards Maddie's buggy.

"No. Maddie's fine to walk…. oh wait… you meant me didn't you?"

Jack laughs. "Yeah I did. Stupid joke?"

I pinch my thumb and index finger together. "Maybe just a little," I tease as we exit the room.

* * *

"They didn't have chocolate milk," Jack announces as he sits back down in front of me at our table, "so I got her regular. Hope that's okay."

"Yeah that's fine," I reply, taking the small carton from him to tear open its spout. "How much was it?"

Jack shakes his head. "Don't worry about it."

"Thanks," I say. Jack nods and begins to unwrap his burger.

I pour the milk into one of Maddie's juice cups and watch as she shoves a piece of strawberry into her mouth. I slowly eat a fry off of the plate I have in front of me.

"So.." Jack begins. "Tell me the truth. How have you been?"

I purse my lips and swallow. Folding my arms onto the table, I bring my gaze up to meet Jack's. He holds it steadily. My eyes well with tears.

"I miss him," I choke. "Everything has changed. Like, I used to tell him everything and even though I still talk to him, it isn't the same. I'm all alone."

"Hey!" Jack cries, stretching his hand across the table to gently rub my arm. "You are not! You have John and Maddie and your family, and although this might not count for much right now, you even have me."

I slip my arm out of Jack's reach and push my bangs away from my face. "Thanks." I mumble.

Jack looks like he wants to say more, but instead he returns to his burger. We eat quietly for a while, smiling at Maddie as she finishes her fruit filled tupperware container.

"Look Jack..." I say, breaking our silence as I wipe Maddie's fingers with a baby wipe. "I really appreciate you stopping by today. Don't think that being here doesn't mean a lot, because it does."

"It's okay Amy," Jack interrupts. "Don't worry. I'm glad I can help."

I crack a thin smile.

Jack glances at me. "How would you feel about a walk in the garden?"

I glance at Maddie, leaning back against her stroller. A walk will put her to sleep.

"That's not a bad idea," I consider while pushing back my chair. "Let's do it."

* * *

"So you moved back in with your parents huh?" Jack says, fixing his snapback. We are in the garden at the side of the hospital. It has an old broken fountain in the centre of a weed-infested circular stone courtyard. The courtyard branches into four different paths, each 90 degrees from each other. Pink flowers maintained by the hospital custodial staff are planted in-between each of the interlocked pathways. We walk down the path closest to Ricky's building. I push Maddie's stroller. She lies inside of it; she has just fallen asleep.

"Yep," I nod.

"And how's that going?"

I shrug. "I mean I'd rather be living on my own. But I don't think I'll be able to manage without someone's help. I tried being alone right after the accident and nearly had a mental breakdown."

"Yeah but that was right after the accident. It's been almost two months Amy. Aren't things are different now?"

We sit down on an empty bench that watches over the fountain.

"So you're saying I shouldn't be living with my parents?"

Jack squints into the distance. The shade from the brim of his hat covers most of his face.

"What I'm saying is that I think you should consider moving back to the condo. If anyone can do it… it's you."

"You really think so?" I ask in almost a state of shock. Moving back home hasn't even crossed my mind. I've been considering selling the condo, not returning to it.

Jack looks at me, amused. "Yes I think so! But are you really all that shocked that I'm saying this?"

"Yes!" I exclaim.

"What! Why?"

"Because…."

"Amy! Come on! You know Ricky would be saying the exact same thing if he was here."

I pause. "He would?"

"Of course he would! That guy has never stopped believing in you. Not for a second. He would want you to do this Amy. He would want you to move back home."

* * *

The following Monday, I'm laying down next to Ricky with my phone in my hand when his nurse Jade walks into the room.

"Hi there," she smiles in her purple scrubs. "How you doing today sunshine?"

"Fine thanks, just telling Ricky that he is officially an uncle."

Jade peeks over my shoulder and looks at the picture on my phone. It's my new niece. Ashley went into labour yesterday morning and gave birth late last night at the hospital near Toby's parents house. They've named the baby Alexandra. She's bald and has bright hazel eyes. Next week, they will move back to Valley Glen and into Ashley's old room in the garage.

"She's a pretty one," Jade says. "What did they name her?"

"Alex," I reply, slipping the phone onto the table to my left.

"Who does she belong to?"

"My younger sister Ashley. Her fiancé and her have been together for a couple of years now."

"Well give them my best. They've got a lovely baby."

"I will Jade. Thanks," I grin as a loud chime escapes my phone. I reach for it and slide across my screen, opening up a new message. I laugh out loud as I read it, which makes Jade stare at me curiously.

"I don't think I've ever heard you laugh before."

"Oh," I say, as I blush. "oh, I just got this really funny text, that's all."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah my friend Jack… I mean…_Our_ friend Jack had to go out of town with his dad on a religion retreat so he's been messaging me to pass the time."

"Sounds like your spirits are lifting," Jade complements as she finishes checking over Ricky's vitals.

"Thanks. I guess I have been feeling a little better lately."

Jade walks to the door. "I'm glad. Keep it up hon."

"I'll try. Thanks Jade. Take care!"

Locking my phone, I put it back on the side table and turn my attention to Ricky. I watch as his chest rises and falls. It makes my heart ache.

"I get to choose your clothes today," I singsong before laughing maniacally. My evil laugh always used to make Ricky crack up. I watch him for a response, but there's nothing. Sighing, I walk over to the room's wooden dresser and pull open its drawers.

"Black or white Ricky?" I call out as I pick up two v-neck t-shirts. I look at the white shirt intently. "Black it is," I decide and put away the other top. I grab a pair of ripped jeans, close the drawers with my good knee and step to Ricky's side. I then summon my strength and pull Ricky into a seated position. Even though his diet consists of a meal supplement liquid, Ricky still weighs more than I do, which makes changing him a bit of a challenge.

Once Ricky is sitting up, I climb in place behind him and let him fall back against my chest. I kiss his cheek and bunch his pyjama shirt up in my hands from the waist. I pull it from his body and stretch the black shirt over his head. Grunting, I move his arms through their proper sleeves, careful of his splints, and tug the rest of the shirt down his torso.

Climbing out from behind him, I let Ricky lie back down and pull his covers off of his legs. I remove his splints and move his catheter to sit against his chest. I then roll his pant legs in my hands and slip them onto his legs. I cover him in his sheets and peck his lips.

"There," I whisper. "You're perfect."

* * *

Maddie is under the weather for the next couple days, and with both sets of my parents being out of town for the week because of the fourth of July, I stay home with the kids and we don't visit Ricky again until today; my first official holiday without my husband.

I step onto Ricky's floor with a slouch in my shoulders and a scowl on my face. John struggles to keep up with me as I pull him out of the elevator by his wrist. Maddie sits on my side, held in place by my right arm that is growing numb from holding her since we entered the building. She sucks her thumb and uses her free hand to point at the American flags that decorate the nurses station outside of Ricky's room.

"Look mommy!" John cries, delighted by the decorations.

"I know! It's nice isn't it? Maybe Andrea will take you to look at them later," I reply as we enter Ricky's room.

"Nevermind!" John exclaims, letting go of my hand, "I want to stay in here!"

I look away from John and follow his eyes to the back wall of the room. Red and blue streamers dangle from the ceiling. White balloons are taped around the border of the window that is littered in paper flags. Ricky is in a Captain America t-shirt. A small top hat sits on his head. If only he knew what he looked like; he wouldn't be too pleased.

"Woah!" John screams as he runs to the window. "Mommy look!"

"I know baby," I respond as I sit Maddie in a chair. I hand her my car keys. "It's amazing. Who did it I wonder?"

"I did," a deep voice says from behind me. I spin around. Jack stands in the doorway with his hands shyly in his pockets and a shirt identical to Ricky's fitted to his toned chest.

"Jack!" I smile. "What are you doing here!"

"Hi guys! Hi John!" Jack waves as he steps into the room and we embrace in a hug. "What! You didn't think I'd let you spend the fourth of July all alone did you?"

"Well.. yeah. I mean what about your girlfriend? You said you were taking her out of town for the weekend."

Jack shrugs his shoulders. "Emily decided to go up north with her parents."

"Oh. You didn't want to join her?"

He shakes his head. "I camped enough at that retreat with my dad. Besides, now you get to take the kids out for the day."

"No! I can't! That isn't fair to you."

"No," Jack chuckles. "What isn't fair is that you never get a break. Why do you think I came today?"

"Jack…"

"I'm serious Amy. I'll stay with him. We'll be fine. Please, go spend time with your kids."

* * *

Today is Monday, July 8, 2013. The accident was exactly 70 days ago. I currently sit behind the steering wheel of my van with both kids buckled into their carseats behind me, preoccupied with their own toys. We are in the middle of a parking lot, parked near a few other older vehicles. I glance out my window and exhale nervously at the sight of the church nursery doors. In just a few minutes, I will officially be back at work.

My parents have been dropping the kids off at daycare since the beginning of June, as I haven't come anywhere near this place since before the accident. The good thing about working with a religious organization is that they are very understanding. They paid me half of my regular salary up until the end of May, at which point I applied for disability funding on Ricky's behalf. That monthly payment, along with coverage from Ricky's insurance policy has been enough to keep us afloat.

"Are you ready John?" I ask, turning back to look at my son.

John nods his head. We both unbuckle our seat belts and meet outside of the van, where I grab Maddie and hand John his backpack. I lock the doors and look both ways as I take John's hand and lead us into the middle of the lot. We step up onto the curb outside of the nursery and head towards the doors. My pace slows as we near the entrance.

"Are you scared mommy?" John inquires, squinting up at me. I nod my head. "Don't be. Daddy would be happy you are doing this."

"Thank you sweetheart. I just need a second okay?"

John nods his head in understanding. It isn't really that I'm scared of going back to work. I have always loved my job, and am very grateful for the support of my employers during this difficult time. What frightens me is that life is moving on and Ricky is getting left behind. If I could have my way, I would never go back to work. I would lie down next to Ricky and waste my days away, waiting for him to wake up. But life doesn't work like that. Bills need paying, kids needs raising. I am being forced to move on from the most traumatizing experience of my life when it has only been 70 days since my life flipped upside down. I am in no way ready to start living my life as if nothing has changed and I don't think I ever will be.

The entire daycare staff greets us as we walk through the doors. A bunch of my colleagues are crying. They ask if I received the flowers they sent and although I never bother reading who the flowers come from, I smile and thank them for their generosity. John hugs me goodbye and goes to put his things in his cubby before joining a friend on the carpet in one of the rooms. I bring Maddie into the nursery and place her in a play pen. Comfortable in this environment, she doesn't cry when I walk away.

My manager walks me to the daycare office and asks for an update on Ricky. I recite his condition to her, as I do with so many other people these days. She lets me know that she is here for me if I need anything and hands me my schedule for the week. I expel a loud puff of air after she leaves me alone in the office and force myself out into the hallway.

I enter my classroom in a daze. 17 two-year-olds run around the room, shrieking and hollering as one of my colleagues sets up an arts and crafts activity. I check the clock on the wall. It's 9:16 am. I spend my morning helping children with their safety scissors and open packages at snack time, escaping my daze only when checking in on Maddie sometime after 10:30.

It's just past 11am when I finally fall apart. Returning a little boy from the bathroom, my colleagues greet me in the hallway and ask me to have the children clean up the room while they head to the church to collect some supplies for that afternoon's lesson. I absentmindedly oblige, and re-enter the classroom to find chaos. I try and settle down the toddlers, but they overpower me with their shrill screams and fits of laughter. One child knocks over a chair as another drops a bin of blocks. The noise triggers sounds from the crash, and pictures of that night instantly flood my vision. I can't breathe; it feels like I am suffocating. The room begins to spin. Teary-eyed, I run out into the hall and point a supervisor in the direction of the room. She calls after me as I sprint out of the building.

Once outside, my twitching hands pull my phone from my pocket and dial a familiar number before I can understand what I am doing. There are two rings before he answers.

"Hi its me!" I blurt out, "I didn't know who else to call! I need- I need help!"

"Where are you?" he says to me. "I'll come get you."

* * *

A half hour later, I sit in Jack's truck. He looks at me from his place in the drivers seat with a sad and concerned expression thrust upon his face. I nurse the tea he brought me, sniffling as I do so. He shifts in his seat and dabs his eyes.

"How you doing?" He says slowly.

I shrug. "Better. I don't know what came over me. I just couldn't do it."

Jack leans into me and rubs my arm. "You don't have to explain. I just want to make sure you're okay."

I collapse into another set of tears. "Why is this happening Jack? Why me! Why him!"

"I don't know Amy. I really don't."

"I miss him so much Jack."

"I know you do. I miss him too."

"I think I'm going to be sick." I pinch the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes tight.

"Just breathe," Jack soothes, continuing to comfort me by moving his hand up and down my arm. I open my eyes and letting go of my nose, bring my hand to rest on top of his. His hand stops moving and he lifts his eyes up to meet mine. For a moment, my breath hitches, but the cough he utters from his throat forces air from mine.

"Umm Amy…" Jack begins. "I wasn't planning on saying anything, but maybe that was a bad idea."

"What is it?"

"I was thinking that getting away for a night would do us both some good. So I was wondering if you'd ever consider going out. JUST as friends of course."

"Wh-what about y-your girlfriend?" I stutter.

"I broke up with her last month."

"But on Thursday you said-"

"I lied," Jack interrupts. "I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to bring it up."

"Oh."

"Well? Yes or no? Will you go out with me?"

"Just as friends?" I repeat in caution.

He nods. "Just as friends."

"Then…. yes Jack. I will. I'll go out with you."


	8. Chapter 8

I stare at Ricky for an extensive stretch of time before attempting to speak. I'm seated in the chair next to his bed with my arms hugging my knees tightly against my chest. I exhale loudly as I push my bangs from my forehead and stare at the light from the room's window with a dour expression on my face. My eyes flicker back to Ricky as he sucks in a deep breath. Part of me still manages to jump whenever he makes a noise that is louder than normal.

Pursing my lips, I fuss with my hair once more, then retrain my sight to Ricky. He is clean shaven, freshly bandaged and recently dressed. A grey tank top covers his chest, showing the absence of the biceps that used to shape his upper arms. The wind blowing in through the open window makes the flowers on his nightstand shiver.

"Jack asked me out," I say hesitantly, pausing after I speak. The room carries a still silence.

"But just as a friend! He sees how hard these past few months have been and he's set on getting me away from it all for a while."

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. I guess it could help. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it."

I stop talking to allow my racing heart to slow and shut my eyes for a moment before continuing.

"I'm just worried about you," I mumble as my voice cracks. "I don't want you upset over this, or thinking that there's something between me and Jack. Because there isn't. Jack is my friend okay? That's all he will ever be."

I crack a smile. "That is unless his favourite author is Nicholas Sparks and he loves chicken wings."

"Teasing!" I singsong.

"Look Ricky," I say, my smile fading. "The point is that I'm never going to stop loving you. And I know you know that… I just thought that you needed to hear it again. No one can change how I feel about you. Not even Jack. So I'm going to go out with him… and I'm asking you to be okay with that."

"I _need_ you to be okay with that."

I lean towards Ricky and push myself up next to his chest to set a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'll see you later bab- Ricky… I- I love you."

* * *

At a quarter to five, I stand at the foot of my driveway in some olive green capris, tan wedges and a white sleeveless blouse. I fiddle with the round sunglasses sitting on top of my head and jerk back to face my parent's house as my mind runs through all that I had to do before leaving. Satisfied that the kids will be fine without me, I turn back to face the road as Jack's silver truck pulls up in front of me. The window beside me rolls half way down, revealing Jack in a light blue flannel and black Ray-Bans. He slips the glasses off his face and flashes a sick grin.

"Sorry miss. You're beautiful and everything, but I'm afraid I have a date with another girl tonight and I don't think she'll be too happy to hear that I stood her up to go out with a model."

I roll my eyes as a smile escapes my plain expression. "Shut up!" I mutter as I hook my hand around the handle of the truck door and pull it open.

"What!" Jack laughs as I hop inside. We hug. "I'm serious! You look… great Amy."

"Thanks," I mumble sweetly, gesturing at his attire. "So do you…"

Jack's smiles stays fixed to his face. "Are you ready?"

Buckling my seatbelt, I nod my head. Copying my nod, Jack shifts forward, forcing the truck into drive before pulling out into the street. I lean back into the seat and close my eyes, smirking slowly as I feel Jack roll down my window. The warm july breeze flies into the truck in constant swoops, wrapping itself around me.

* * *

I'm shaken awake a few minutes later.

"We're here Amy." Jack whispers with his hand on my shoulder. I blink a few times, grasping my surroundings as Jack carefully brushes my bangs away with his fingers. My eyes lock onto his grey blue ones and he breaks into an enchanting grin.

"Nice nap?" He giggles.

My laugh interrupts my yawn as I nod. "How long was I out?"

Jack shrugs and peals away from me. I watch him reach for his door. "Seven minutes I think?" He steps out of the truck and runs around the vehicle to meet me at my side. I thank him as he helps me out of the truck and we walk towards the sidewalk that meets the closest restaurant; a barbecue place.

"I hope you don't mind," Jack says, "but chicken wings are like my favourite thing to eat and this place serves amazing chicken."

I stare at him, a little baffled.

"Is- Is that okay?" he asks nervously. "We can go somewhere else."

"No!" I say quickly. "This is perfect."

Reassured, Jack leads us into the restaurant. High tables and chairs line the walls that border the kitchen sitting in the north side of the room. Cushioned booths, currently mostly occupied, fill the rest of the eatery. We join line 3, and have to wait behind two other people before being greeted by a cashier with long brown hair and a baseball cap that bears the restaurant's logo. After asking if I'm okay with having what he is having, Jack orders two combos off the menu above the cashier's head and fists her some cash to pay for it. As we shuffle over to the pick-up line, I thank him for offering to pay.

"Don't worry about it," Jack responds, once again placing his hand on my shoulder. I don't shake him away, but instead fix one of the buttons near his collar that is coming undone.

"Thanks." He says softly, touching the spot on his shirt that my fingers just left.

"Don't worry about it."

Soon after, our order number is called. Picking up our tray, Jack tilts his head to his left. I follow him, sure he knows where to go. A few seconds later, we arrive at a booth near the back of the restaurant that's several feet away from the closet customers. Sitting down across from each other in unison, we divide up the food on the tray and stab straws into our soft drink lids.

"So it's been a week since I've seen you," Jack begins, his straw between his front teeth. "How have you been?"

"Jack, we talked on the phone twice this week."

"Yeah but half of that was John discussing Sky Launchers with me."

I giggle. "It's Sky Landers."

Jack grimaces. "You know what I mean. Now come on! Answer my question."

I sigh, and put down the chicken wing in my hand, which to my surprise is just as good as Jack made it out to be. "I've been okay I guess. Our talk on Monday really helped. Plus John's really been looking out for me. He comes to see me throughout the day to make sure I'm alright."

"He's stellar that kid."

"Yeah," I smile. "He really is."

"He's going to need you…. you know that right Amy? He doesn't have a dad anymore. You have to make sure he understands this, and that he knows he can come to you for everything. Even stuff he would normally go to Ricky for. I don't know what I would have done without my mom after my dad died. She was always there for me after he passed. It helped in ways you can't even imagine."

"I know. I'm trying, I really am! I've tried explaining things to John, and I see that he's looking at me for guidance, but I'm only 19 years old. I can't be that grown up! It's too hard to just push aside everything that's happened."

"I know it is, but you have to try. He needs you Amy. You're his mother. Plus… you aren't nineteen for much longer. Your birthday's next week."

I cover my face with my hands. "Who told you?"

"Ricky mentioned it once. I think it was during the time you were in New York or something."

My mind flashes back to the time Ricky visited me while I was away at that teen mother program. My chest aches.

"Anyways… I think I found the perfect gift for you."

"Jack…" I start.

"No. Hear me out. What if I came by tomorrow and helped you start moving back home. Your real home. The condo."

"I don't know…"

"Yes you do! We talked about this last week Amy! You can do this! It's time and you know it!"

"My parents are going to freak!"

"So let them. You're about to be 20 years old! You can make your own decisions. Don't be scared about taking this chance. I'll be right there with you."

"You really think I can manage living on my own?"

"Absolutely," Jack mumbles, stretching to place his hand over mine. "I mean if Noah can fix up that mansion all by himself with Ali gone… I think you can pack a few boxes and sleep in your own bed."

I sputter the 7-Up in my mouth. "You just referenced The Notebook!"

Jack stares at me, bewildered. "Yeah… I like it. That a bad thing?"

"No!" I exclaim and watch Jack return to his food. I lower my voice. "I think…"

* * *

It's just after 9 pm when Jack drops me at home. We hug goodbye and I exit the truck, running to the front of my parent's house so that Jack doesn't wait for too long for me to get in. I unlock the door and step inside, exhaling with relief as I hear Jack's truck growl to life and speed away. I drop my purse to the ground and drag my feet down the hallway to my bedroom. Maddie is in her crib, asleep on her back. I reach my nightstand and plug in my phone to charge, then slip out of my room and into John and Robbie's. The room's football nightlight bathes the sleeping boys in orange light. I pull Robbie's sheets up to his neck and turn to John. Staring at him for a while, I let my mind drift to what Jack and I discussed at dinner. I then tousle his hair, kiss his forehead and shut the bedroom door behind me as I leave.

Groaning, I stumble into the living room to fetch the throw pillows I lay down on Ricky's side of the bed every night. Reaching the couch, a dvd on the coffee table catches my eye. I sit down across from it, staring at it with apprehension. It takes me a minute to pick it up and another few minutes for me to summon the courage to put it in the dvd player and press play. I hear the pitter patter of bare feet behind me and turn to see John jogging into the room. He jumps up onto the couch beside me and rubs his eyes.

"Hi mommy," he greets.

I brush his hair hair with my fingers. "Hi honey. What are you doing up?"

"I heard you come home. What are you doing?"

"I don't know. I found this." I point to the TV.

"Oh we were watching that after bath time. It's a video of daddy."

"Do you want to watch it with me?" I ask nervously.

John nods his head and curls up against me. I lean back into the couch and let him rest his head in my lap. I press play.

"_Ricky!" The voice behind the camera calls, zooming in on a much younger Ricky in a grey t-shirt and curly brown hair. "Turn around! Let me see him!"_

_The voice belongs to my dad. The camera zooms out. An image of me in a hospital bed, with puffy eyes and thick bangs, appears. On the screen I push myself up further against my pillows, cringing in pain. _

"_Are you okay?" Ricky mumbles to me, forcing his attention away from what is in his arms._

"_Yeah," I reply, putting on a fake smile. "Just a little sore."_

"_Ricky!" My dad calls again from behind the camera. "Turn around!"_

"_Okay!" Ricky says in a friendly murmur as he spins slowly, his eyes glued to what he holds. "Say hi buddy!" _

"That's me mommy!" John cries, pointing to the TV.

"I know sweetie," I reply.

"_Say hi John!" Ricky whispers, taking John's small fist out from under the blue blanket wrapped around him. Baby John stirs. _

"_Here," I say on screen. "Want to give him to me?"_

"_Sure," Ricky replies, turning away from the camera. My dad walks the camera towards the bed, zooming in on me as Ricky slips baby John back into my arms. I hold his head in my palm, looking down at him affectionately. I remember looking at him as if he was the most incredible thing I had ever seen. _

_Ricky's gaze matches mine. He brings his finger to John's loose hand. John's fists wraps itself around his finger. Ricky and I giggle in unison. _

"_He's so perfect," Ricky whispers, refusing to look away from our son._

"_I can't believe he's here," I reply, my eyes growing moist._

"_Me neither," Ricky says back to me as we bring our eyes up to meet. He sees a tear role down my cheek. "Hey!" He soothes, brushing it away with his thumb. We stare at each other for a moment, each holding our breath. Then, without warning, Ricky leans forward and kisses my forehead, closing his eyes as his lips meet my skin. The camera pans the floor and the video ends. _

I press stop, and wipe away the tears spotting my cheeks.

"Does that make you sad mommy?"

"Yes John. It does."

"It makes me happy."

"I'm glad John. It should. It should always make you happy. Did living at our hold home make you happy?"

John nods his head. "I miss my room… Why?"

"Jack thinks that we're ready to move back home. What do you think?"

John nearly catapults himself into my lap. "Yes mommy! Yes! I'm ready!"

"Are you sure?"

"Mhmm!" John pipes.

"Okay then. I'll text Jack and tell grandma and grandpa… and tomorrow, we will move back home."

* * *

I breathe in a wealthy volume of fresh air as my family and I round the corner of our crescent. Beside me walks my mom and my sister Ashley, who is pushing her three week old daughter Alex in an ivory bassinet. Re-gripping the handles of the normal stroller that I am pushing (the type of carriage that faces out), I smirk as I hear Maddie coo from her seat and adjust the visor above her head so she is nicely hidden by shade.

"How long did it last for you Amy?" Ashley says, drawing me from my daydream. I look at her, not the least bit aware of what she has just asked me.

"Hmm?" I sound.

"Bleeding. You know.. after giving birth?"

I make a face. "I remember the first couple of weeks being really bad for me after I had John." I break into a chuckle. "I even had to send Ricky out for some pads like the very first time he came over to the house. He called me from the drug store, mortified. I told him to just grab whatever f-ing suited him and hung up. He was so mad at me!"

My mom shakes her head lightly. "You two butted heads on everything at first."

"He put too much pepper in your salad once." Ashley recalls.

"He bought you a scarf at a garage sale that you already owned."

"You put his leather jacket in the garage one time and we couldn't find it for two weeks."

"He was just about to go out and buy a new one. I remember you guys yelling at each other for a good hour over it. I had left to go grocery shopping, and when I came back, you were still arguing!"

Ashley giggles. "I think one time you even yelled at him for giving John a bath without your permission."

"I walked in on the two of them in the shower Ash," I defend. "How was I supposed to react?"

"Joined him?" Ashley replies. I glare at her. "What! Don't act like you didn't have feelings for Ricky when John was a newborn."

"I didn't!"

"Sure."

"Mom! Come on! You and I talked all the time after John was born. You knew I didn't like Ricky."

"Well I knew you didn't like him… but… honey… one time I remember it being really hot outside and I was too pregnant and uncomfortable to walk moose so Ricky offered to do it. He came back drenched in sweat and the moment you saw him, you dropped the pacifier in your hand and started leaking breast milk." My mom starts to laugh. "You were so humiliated that you ran out of the room in tears and then started to cry even harder when Ricky followed you to your bedroom and tried to convince you that it was nothing to be embarrassed about."

My eyes glaze over as I call back the memory. "Ricky tracked so much mud into the house that day. He was so focused on making sure I was okay that he forgot to take off his shoes."

"See?" Ashley says. "He liked you too."

"All this time together and both of you never admitted to liking each other before that time he practiced kissing with you?"

"Please don't bring that up mom." Ashley rolls her eyes. Alex squirms in her bed.

I shrug. "I don't know. We don't… didn't… like talking about a time when we weren't a couple. I don't exactly look back on those days and think,_ wow such great memories, _you know? I mean… when Ben and I took some time apart when I was pregnant, the thought of Ricky may have crossed my mind…"

"Well of course it did," says Ashley. "He was interested in you too."

"How do you know that?"

"He told Jack. Jack eventually told Grace who told Adrian who, one day when she was bitching about you and Ricky, told me."

"He did? He really wanted to be in a relationship with you Amy? How come I didn't know that!" My mom whines.

"Because I don't like thinking about all the times that I could have chosen to have Ricky by my side. There are so many days he could have been apart of. So much more time with him I chose not to take!"

"Amy…" My mom bids quietly. "It's not fair to think like that. You and Ricky got together when you were meant to get together. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out like it did if you had gotten together while you were pregnant. You don't know!"

"I just wish we had gotten more time together. Two years just was not enough."

"I know honey. I know."

"He did give you the most amazing gift though Ames," Ashley says as we approach our house. "He gave you your children." She nods toward the lawn, where Toby, John, Robbie and an aging Moose stand among various types of balls.

We push the strollers up onto the driveway and I am greeted by John, who runs toward me with a large smile on his face.

"We're playing football mommy!" John howls.

"I see that baby! It looks like fun!"

"You know… I've been told I'm really good at football," says a voice behind me. I turn around.

"Jack!" John screams, bolting away from me and down the driveway to Jack, who stands with his hands in his pockets. He picks up John and high fives him.

"You really didn't have to come," I say when Jack steps up beside me as John returns to his game with his uncles.

"Of course I did. I convinced you that you're ready to do this. It's only fair that I help you with it."

"Well thank you. It means a lot."

"No thanks needed."

"And incase I didn't say it enough last night, I had a wonderful time. Thanks for taking me out."

Jack smiles at me. "I had a great time too Ames. It's okay if I call you that right? Ames?"

I nod my head. "I don't see a problem with it."

"Great. So you ready to do this?" Jack exclaims, clapping his hands together.

I raise my brows and flatten my lips. "It's now or never I guess," I say to him, leading him into the house to grab the first of many boxes.


	9. Chapter 9

Six days. It's been six days since we've moved back to the condo and he still manages to have nightmares. I know because it's 6:43 in the morning and I have just shot awake to loud moaning coming from downstairs. I shake away the pillows lined up on Ricky's side of the bed and throw my feet to the floor. In pajama shorts and one of Ricky's butcher shop shirts, I race downstairs towards John's room. His door is open. He used to sleep with it closed, but I know that he doesn't feel safe anymore without Ricky in the house.

"John?" I say entering his room. John sits on his bed rubbing his face. His eyes are puffy and his hair is drenched with sweat. He leans against me and breathes deeply when I fall down next to him. I rub his back slowly and wait for his heart beat to slow. He plays with a strand of my hair.

"What happened this time John?"

"I forget."

"It's alright. Don't think about it anymore. You haven't had a bad dream in almost five days sweetie."

"Really?" John squeaks as he crawls into my lap.

"Yeah! That's a good thing! It means you're adjusting." My voice wanes. "Funny, I thought we were done adjusting."

"Oh…I like sitting in your lap mommy," John says distantly.

"I like having you in my lap Johnny."

John cranes his neck to look at me. "Only Jack calls me that!"

I shrug. "It suits you. Is it okay if I call you that sometimes?"

John leans back against me. "I guess. Why'd you name me John anyway?"

I slip him off my lap and take his hand. "How 'bout I tell you while we eat breakfast?"

* * *

"_Hi John," He whispered to his son as he cradled him in his arms. "Daddy's here. I love you."_

_There was a wonderfully calm moment of silence, followed by the rustling of the room's orange patterned duvet. Amy stirred underneath the covering. _

"_Did I wake you?" Ricky said cautiously. _

_Amy cringed as she sat up and shook her head sleepily. She yawned, catching sight of her son._

"_Is he okay?" She said quietly, her voice strained with fatigue._

"_He's sleeping," Ricky said, looking down at John. "Are you okay?"_

_Amy's lips quivered. She hiccuped a squeak, trying not to cry. Ricky rushed to lay their baby back in his crib before jumping over to the bed._

"_Hey! Hey! Hey!" he ushered. "It's alright. It'll all be fine. I promise." He rubbed her back._

"_No it won't! I'm tired! And sore. I don't want to do this Ricky!"_

_He pulled her into a hug. "I know you don't. But it will be alright! You're not alone in this. I'm right here!" _

"_Promise me you'll never leave me." She burst into tears, gripping his shoulders tightly as she cried._

_He rocked her back and forth, stunned. "Never Amy," he said breathlessly. "Never."_

_She pulled away after a few moments. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to freak out like that." She sniffled._

"_It's alright. You're tired. I get it." He turned to look at John. "I meant what I said though. I won't ever leave you two."_

_She followed his gaze. "What about what you said when you were holding him?"_

"_What?"_

"_Do you really love him?"_

_He looked at Amy. Her hand sat flat against the bed. He placed his hand over hers. "Yes Amy. I do. I love him."_

* * *

I go to check on Maddie after fixing John a plate of chocolate chip waffles. Returning to the kitchen, I lean into the counter across from him and begin peeling an orange for us to share.

I pop a slice into my mouth. "So where was I?"

"You said daddy said he loved me."

"Right! Yes. That was a very special day."

John licks away his milk moustache. "How come?"

"Because that's the moment I knew what an amazing father your dad would be."

John digests what I've just said. He eats a bite of his waffle. "Mommy. You and daddy got married last year right? When Maddy was about to be alive?"

I chuckle. "Yes John. We got married last year."

"Why weren't you married before I was alive? Like Michael's mommy and daddy?"

I swallow apprehensively. I've been waiting for this question since the day John was born; I just thought Ricky would be right beside me when I had to answer it.

"John. Do you know how old I am?"

John shakes his head. He's never asked.

"I'm 20 years old John."

"So?" John stares at me, unfazed.

"So most mommies are older than I am. But see, when you were born, I was fifteen. I was a teenager. A big kid."

"Was daddy a big kid too?" I nod my head. "So how did you get me?"

"There is this thing that's a lot like kissing that some people do, that really only grown up girls and boys should do. And sometimes when people do, this thing… it makes them have a baby, even if they don't want to become a mommy and daddy."

"Did you want to be a mommy?"

"No, sweetheart, I did not want to be a mommy. I was fifteen years old. That is a very young age to have a baby. I'll explain this to you again when you get older, but it was very hard for me to have you. Daddy and I were not married, and everyone was mean to me. It was very scary."

"I'm sorry…" John sulks.

"No John!" I exclaim. "Do not ever apologize. None of that is your fault okay? I know I said I did not want to be a mommy. But John, holding you in my arms changed everything. Someday people will try and tell you that you were an accident, and that you're a mistake. But it is not true. You are my son and I will always love you."

"What about daddy?"

I nod. "Him too."

"No." John shakes his head. "Did he love you? When I was born?"

"Yes he did. I know he did."

* * *

That afternoon, I sit on the floor of my bedroom, going through Ricky's clothes. This has been a long time coming, and something that I've been avoiding since before moving to my parent's home. Empty boxes sit around me, keeping me company as I cry into one of Ricky's dress shirts. Sniffling, I pull away from the shirt, fold it neatly, then drop it on top of a tear-stained pile of flannels. I slip the last of Ricky's shirts from the drawer open beside me and add them to the pile.

Maddie calls for me from on top of the bed. Placing the stack of shirts into one of the boxes that will eventually end up in my parent's attic, I wipe my eyes and stretch up from the floor. I join Maddie on the bed and smile. She lies down next to me and momentarily cradles her head in my neck. I run my fingertips through her red curls. She takes in a big sigh and rolls out of my reach.

"Don't you want to sleep with mommy Maddie?" I ask her, as I wipe my damp lashes.

She shakes her head. "No Tenk-oo."

"What do you want to do then? Mommy needs to finish cleaning out daddy's closet."

"Dada!" Maddie squeals, making my chest ache.

"Yeah dada!" I say and reach for the picture of Ricky and I that sits on a table on Ricky's side of the bed. I bring the photo to Maddie. "Where's daddy? Show Mama! Where's daddy?"

She stares at the picture for a good few seconds, then slowly places her finger on top of Ricky's forehead. I clap my hands and kiss the top of her head. "Good girl!"

"Mommy!" John screams as he pounds up the stares. "I'm hungry!"

"You had lunch an hour ago!" I reply, returning the framed photo to its nightstand.

"I know," John mumbles, hopping onto the bed. "When are we going out with Jack?"

"Not until five. It's one-thirty, so you still have a few hours to go. Do you want me to cut up some strawberries for you?"

"I guess," John says, noticing the boxes. "What are you doing?"

"I thought it was time to clean up daddy's clothes since he won't be using them for a while."

John slips off the bed and peeks into the box I was working with before joining Maddie on the bed. He reaches inside, pulling out a light blue button down. "I liked it when daddy wore this."

"Me too," I say, swallowing hard.

"Can I keep it?"

I pull Maddie into my arms and step onto the floor. Maddie squirms out of my hold and I have to return her to the bed. "Well it's a little big for you buddy."

"I know. But one day I can wear it."

"Well okay then. Sure you can keep it. Is there anything else you want? Maybe I can save his watch for you too. Would you like that?"

"Yeah!" John exclaims. He steps into the closet. "Can I have this?"

He tugs at a grey hoodie. It's a sweater from Ricky's first year at band camp. It says 2007 Talent Night in blue block letters on the back and _Ricky Underwood - Drummer _ on the front, adjacent to the right sleeve. I remember him saying it cost his foster parents 45 dollars, and that it was a gift to celebrate him getting into such a prestigious program.

"Yes baby. I think daddy would want you to have it."

* * *

5 o'clock rolls around earlier than expected. After situating the kids with an afternoon snack, I finish cleaning out Ricky's half of our dresser. Ashley calls at two-thirty, giving me a painfully long summary of her daughter Alex's bath this morning. It riddles me as to how I was ever that of an oblivious mother, telling people stories of my infant that they didn't want to hear. I realize today that Ricky was the only person excited to hear every single story, no matter how small or how boring. I love him more for that.

After my call with Ashley, Maddie has a breakdown when John doesn't share his toy truck with her, and I am busied with putting her to sleep until after three-thirty. While she sleeps, I quickly finish cleaning the closet and stack the boxes at the front door for Toby to pick up in a few moments when he comes to get Maddie for the evening. She won't be joining us on our outing with Jack.

"John!" I call, walking Maddie to the front door. Her eyes are heavy with sleep. She's like Ricky in the way that she takes forever to wake up.

"Coming!" He yells, chasing after me. He's in white plaid shorts, orange socks and a red Ninja Turtles tank top. He pulls on his Hot Wheels sneakers as I hear Toby pull into the driveway.

It takes him about five minutes to load the boxes into his car with enough room for Maddie to sit safely in her car seat. I buckle her in, and both John and I hug Toby goodbye. We wave from in front of the garage as he pulls out and honks at Jack who is pulling his truck in. Parking the truck, Jack stretches his head out his window.

"Are we ready for some mini golf or what?"

* * *

"I cleaned out Ricky's closet today," I say to Jack as he drives his neon green golfball into hole number 8. He bends to pick it up, looking at me from his place near the green floor.

"How'd that go?"

I shrug and we begin to walk towards the next hole, where John eagerly awaits our arrival.

"Alright I guess. I cried when I first started, but then John, it was actually really cute, he asked if he could keep a couple of Ricky's things."

We watch John send his ball underneath a bridge. "That's a good idea. My mom let me do that with my dad. The cross I wear-" he gestures to his neck, "this was his."

"We haven't really ever talked about your dad. To be honest it even slipped my mind that he…"

"Died?" Jack says dryly. I nod my head. "I was in grade six at the time. At the start of fourth grade, he went to the doctor feeling sick. Doctor ran some tests, told us it was cancer. He fought it, or at least he tried to. He died in november of 2004, and I spent the rest of junior high absolutely miserable."

"And your mom?"

Jack tips his head forward. "She went into grief counselling a couple months later and met my step-dad. They got married right before I started grade nine."

"And how were you with all of that?" I say, taking my turn to putt. I swing back my club and roll my pink ball underneath the bridge. John hollers with excitement.

Jack follows me as I go to hit my ball again. "At first I was worried that if my mom moved on, it meant she didn't love my dad anymore. But we talked a lot when my mom and step-dad started dating, and they both helped me realize that being without my dad was really painful for my mom, and that Reverend Stone made her just as happy as my dad did. She didn't love my dad any less, she just loved my dad so much and she wanted that again and knew my dad would want her to have that. After I realized that, I was fine."

"I'm really glad you have such perspective. You're mom's lucky to have such an understanding son."

"Yeah well I'm lucky to have her. I'd be nowhere without my mom, you know?" I smile softly as John runs up to us. "Same goes for this little guy!" Jack exclaims, running his hand into John's hair. John giggles and shakes him away. "He's lucky to have such an awesome mom. Aren't you Johnny?"

"Mhmm!" John pipes, trying to catch my eye. "Mommy! Can we get ice-cream after this?"

"Yes we can get ice-cream after this," I chuckle. "I'm going to call home and check on Maddie. Why don't you and Jack finish golfing and I'll go get us some treats."

"Sounds good to me," Jack says. "Come on John!" I watch as the boys walk off towards the next hole and go to leave; but not before seeing John slip his hand through Jack's. I don't know what is more painful, the fact that John has just done this, or the fact that Jack doesn't pull his hand away.

* * *

"Slow down Johnny!" Jack laughs at John as he ploughs through his dessert. I've just started on the banana split I'm sharing with Jack, and John is already almost done.

"You don't want neck freeze!" I warn, taking a bite of banana.

"Neck freeze?" Jack repeats in question.

"Yeah, it's some weird thing he and Ricky get. Instead of brain freeze, their necks ache."

"You play football right Jack?" John asks, slowing down the inhaling of his ice-cream. Jack says yes. "I practiced with Uncle Toby. I like football! I'm really good!"

"I'm sure you are John!"

John hesitates. "Could.. could we play?"

Jack glances in my direction. I nod. "I think that's a great idea John. Just not tonight alright? Maybe next time I come over, I'll bring a ball, and we can go and play. How's that sound?"

"Awesome!" John coos, returning to his treat.

"Thank you," I mouth to Jack.

"You're welcome," he mouths back.

* * *

The rest of July runs pretty smoothly. I take the kids to the nursery every morning, and after work we all go to visit Ricky, who is still showing physical improvements. His face is completely back to normal and his cuts from surgery are noticeably healed. Unfortunately, his Glasgow Scale results are the same. His brain isn't getting any better and it's taking an emotional toll on me. I'm starting to lose faith that he'll ever wake up. I feel like I'm giving up on him and it's something I thought I'd never do.

As he promised, Jack is finally coming over to play football with John before he takes me to some new nightclub owned by his friend for the evening. My dad will be coming over a little later to watch the kids while I'm out.

Jack arrives at four pm and is greeted by John, who is jumping in anticipation, before I can even get to the main floor. The boys go out to play while I finish giving Maddie a bath. She has just turned fifteen months old. It pains me that Ricky isn't here to see this. I wish more than anything that he wasn't missing out on his children's lives.

"You know Maddie," I say as I wrap her in a towel, "you don't know this… but your daddy used to love giving you a bath. He said you love being in water and that when you smile, he smiles."

* * *

Maddie looks up at me and touches my lip. I kiss her finger. "I remember this one time…"

"_Mommy! Are you done yet?" John complained, squirming out of Amy's reach as she struggled to finish lathering him in sunscreen._

"_Almost! Stop moving!" Amy riled back as she smoothed the white cream along her son's back. A few feet away, their red mini van sat parked on top of the hot sand of the blue water beach they had spent all morning driving to. One of the side doors was open, occupying Ricky's body as he leaned into the vehicle and changed Maddie on the back seat._

"_There!" He announced proudly, carrying his daughter out of the van. She wore a purple polka dot one piece bathing suit, a pink sun hat and yellow sunglasses. Four-months-old, and born several weeks early, she still had limited control of her neck, and her head slumped against Ricky's torso. _

"_You're done John," Amy said relieved. "You can go splash in the water, but wait until me or daddy come in with you before you go too deep okay?"_

"_He's got his floaties. He'll be okay until I go in with him." Ricky passed Maddie to Amy and removed his grey tank top. "Go in buddy. I'm coming."_

_They watched John scurry for the ocean and laughed as he shrieked when the cold waves hit his feet. He ran back up the beach, then inched his way back to the water only to repeat the routine a moment later. _

"_Lather me up?" Ricky asked, handing the sunscreen bottle to Amy. She massaged the lotion into his back, smiling as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back. She wrapped her arms around him, linking her hands together in front of his chest. "I love you," she said. "Sorry I've been so hard to deal with lately. That Heather thing really freaked me out…"_

"_I know it did and I should be the one apologizing. We have two kids now. Things are different, and harder and I haven't been making any of it easier. I love you Amy, and I know I don't thank you enough for everything you do, but the kids and I, we really appreciate it, so thank you."_

"_Your welcome." Amy smiled and pecked Ricky's lips. Maddie, lying down the their beach blanket, clapped and blew a spit bubble. _

"_I think it's time someone learns how to swim," Ricky exclaimed, pushing himself off of the blanket to pick up his daughter. Amy threw off her white blouse (revealing her brown bikini) and grabbed her sunglasses. She followed her family to the water, where John stood knee deep, splashing around in his blue bathing shorts. Ricky, with his red shorts already soaked, sat Maddie against his chest and dipped the two of them into the water. Maddie's face contorted into a large smile. She clapped into the water, giggling as Ricky spun them in small circles._

"_This girl loves the water! Look at that smile!" Ricky cried, catching Amy's eye. He shot her a wink. _

"… and I blew him a kiss."

* * *

I change Maddie into purple shorts and pull a white t-shirt with a blue butterfly on the front over her head. She helps me comb her hair and put her sandals on. We walk to the front of the condo together as my dad enters through the front door with a grim look on his face.

"Is that Jack outside?" He says to me as I pick up Maddie.

"Say Hi Maddie!" I say, pitching my voice as I hand my daughter to my dad. He exchanges his expression for a happy one and kisses Maddie's forehead. I am followed to the kitchen, where I take Maddie back and put her into her booster seat at the table.

"Yes, it's Jack outside," I reply as I fix a bowl of dry cheerios. "You know Jack. Why would you even ask me that?"

"Sorry. Let me rephrase. Why is Jack throwing a football around with your son?"

"John likes Jack. They get along great. John wanted to play football with Jack, so Jack came over early."

"Early? So he's the one taking you out tonight?"

I shrug. "Yeah so?"

"Amy. You have a husband!"

I squint at my dad angrily. "What does that have to do with anything? I know I have a husband! I also know that John needs some kind of male role model in his life right now and that I need someone to help me cope with all the shit that's going on around me!"

My dad raises his voice. "If that were true Amy, you would have stayed at home, with me and your mother and plenty of support from every other member of your family!"

"Stop yelling at me!" I order. "Okay nothing is going on between me and Jack. He is Ricky's friend, he is my friend. He is helping me cope with the fact that I might never get to see my husband awake again!"

"I don't want you going out tonight."

I storm off into the living room and grab my purse. "Oh yeah right. Like I'm going to do that! I'm 20 years old! I'm a mother! You can't order me around like I'm a teenager anymore!"

My dad follows me to the door. "I don't care how old you are! You're my daughter and if you have the slightest bit of respect for me, you will listen to me when I tell you to stay home and be a mother to your children!"

"I am a mother to my children! Every hour of every day I am a mother to my children! I'm tired of being a mother! Dammit dad, for one night, can't I just go out and have some fun?"

"Fun? As in sex? With him?"

"You're ridiculous you know that," I growl, swinging open the front door and flying out of the condo. "Come on Jack, we're going. John, I'll be home late. See you in the morning okay sweetie?"

"Don't do this Amy! What about Ricky?" My dad yells from the porch as I hop into Jack's truck that is parked on the street.

"What was that about?" Jack asks as he jumps inside.

"Nothing. Just drive."

* * *

I'm quiet for majority of the drive to the club and don't say much even once we arrive at the venue. The building is made of red brick and has a neon pink sign hanging off the roof, facing the front of the club. It reads _Porter's_. There's a long line of people already waiting to get in and as we walk up to the bouncer standing outside the doors, the line grows. Jack points to his name on the bouncer's special guest list and we are welcomed inside. I hear some people groan behind us as Jack slides his arm around my back and leads me in.

"I went to junior high with Porter, the owner of the club." Jack informs me as I leave my purse at the coat check, but not before handing him my phone to keep in his pocket incase someone needs to reach me. I don't go anywhere without my phone anymore.

We push our way into the club, and never having been inside one before, the loud music hurts my ears. I see Jack yell at me, asking if I want to dance, and I reluctantly nod my head. We manage to squeeze our way to a spot relatively close to the centre of the room as the music fades away. It's replaced with a slower song at a lower volume, and several people move away from the dance floor. Jack slips his arms around my waist.

"Sorry. I didn't realize. Is this okay?"

"Yeah," I whisper, nervously sitting my hands on his shoulders. "It's fine."

We slowly sway back and forth. "You know.. there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I just never could find the right time."

"What's up?"

"I had a really big crush on you in high school. Before I knew you were pregnant I mean, and then I guess during, and well after too."

"You- you did?" I stammer, my mouth dry.

"Yeah. I saw you on the day before school started. The year you were in grade nine. I was on the field, practicing my throwing, and the band came out and I saw you and I was just like taken back. I didn't do anything at the time because I was with Grace and I really cared about her. And then once I found out who you were and what your situation was, I didn't think getting involved was a good idea. So instead I fought hard to get you that church nursery job."

"You got me that job?"

"Yeah don't you remember? We all came over to your house that day? The day you decided to keep John?"

"Well yeah I remember, I just always figured Grace had come up with the idea."

"Nope," he grins insecurely. "It was me. And I'd be lying if I said that right now, I wasn't feeling what I felt five years ago."

"Jack, I-" The truth is that I don't know what to say. I never had any idea that he liked me. I didn't even consider the fact that he might like me again. The worst part is that, I don't even know how I feel about him. If Ricky were dead, things would be different.

We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. The song playing in the background climaxes, and Jack closes his eyes and tips his head towards mine. I push him away.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this," I shout as the music changes and fight my way out of the room. I hear Jack calling my name behind me. Tears in my eyes, I run out of the club and enter into an adjacent ally. I hide in the dark shadow of the building, and lean against the brick wall to catch my breath. Jack joins me a moment later.

"No, Jack, please. I can't do this right now! What about Ricky?"

He steps in front of me and pins both hands to the wall. I'm stuck between him and the brick. He pants heavily. Tears prickle his eyes. "Ricky isn't here! I'm here! I want this! And I know you do too." As the words leave his lips, he kisses me.

I thought that I could wait a lifetime for Ricky.

But this moment proves me wrong. Because I don't push Jack away, profess the existence of my marriage and ask to be taken home.

Instead, I kiss back.


	10. Chapter 10

I sit on the living room couch with my knees pressed to my chest, not bothering to wipe the tears falling from my cheeks. It's 5 am in the morning, and not to much surprise, I can't sleep. Everything inside me is numb and yet everything manages to hurt. I'm too stunned to sleep. _I'm a terrible, terrible person, _I think to myself as I force out deep breaths. I wipe my eyes as a horribly loud knock erupts over the front door. My heart leaps into my throat and I sprint for the front, scared the noise will wake the kids.

"Who is it?" I whisper in a panic, my knees threatening to buckle from fear.

"It's Jack," a deep voice mumbles from outside. I peek through the side windows around the door and hurry to open it.

"What are you doing here?" I say nervously, the cool morning air wrapping itself around me. I button up my cardigan.

"I had to see you," he replies as I pull us both onto the porch and shut the door behind me.

"At five in the morning?"

"Yes," he says breathlessly. "Amy, do you realize what we did last night?"

I advert my eyes, and mumble. "We made out."

Jack runs his hand over his face, grunting. "Amy, you're married! To my friend! Who's lying in a hospital bed in a coma across town!"

I throw my hands in the air. "What do you want me to do Jack? You think I don't realize that Ricky is where he is? I don't know what to do! It's like I'm plagued with guilt!"

"Me too," Jack mumbles. "I couldn't sleep."

"Me niether," I say back, sitting down on the closest step. Jack joins me. "So I guess that's it then. This never happened."

He shoots me a baffled expression. "Is that what you want?"

"I don't know what I want Jack. I don't want this to be happening to be honest. I don't want to be having to choose between my husband… and you…"

"You regret kissing me?"

I stare at Jack for a moment before shrugging my shoulders and slightly shaking my head no. It's the truth as much as I wish it weren't.

"What about when I said that I have feelings for you?"

"What about it?"

"Do… do you think you might have feelings for me?" I don't answer him. "Amy!?"

"Maybe," I whisper, hating myself.

"Then please, think this over. You deserve to be happy Amy! Ricky would want you to be happy!"

"But that's just the thing Jack! It's not like Ricky is dead! What if he wakes up?"

"Amy… what if he doesn't?"

* * *

I pour Jack and I a cup of coffee each, making sure to ignore the red mug in the cupboard belonging to Ricky, and force the carafe back into the coffee maker. He stares at me with a troubled look on his face as I silently pass him the cylinder of sugar and carton of cream. Stirring a spoon into his drink, he speaks.

"Don't look so disappointed. I'm no Theo James, but I'm not ugly either…"

I shoot him a weirded expression. "First of all, I don't know what it is about this entire universe that thinks I like that guy. Secondly, that's not even why I'm sad."

"I know. I was just joking. We don't need to do this. You know that right?"

"I know we don't. But you're right. I like you, and I deserve to be happy."

"I like you too," Jack grins sheepishly.

My bangs fall in front of my eyes. "Yeah you mentioned that."

Jack slips a banana from the bowl in front of him as the bathroom door on the main level closes shut. "John's up," I say, as the toilet flushes. "You know he's the only one we didn't consider in all of this right? We're going to have to tell him eventually."

"Why don't we tell John now?" Jack says smugly as John enters the kitchen in black shorts and a blue t-shirt with a worn basketball on the front. John hops into the stool beside Jack.

"Tell me what? Wait! Why are you here?" John looks at me for explanation.

"That's kind of what we need to talk to you about sweetie. You know that Jack and I have been seeing each other a lot lately right?"

John nods his head. "Well this morning Jack came over early and we decided that we are going to be a couple, and do things like hold hands and go places together and stuff."

"What about daddy?" John mumbles.

"I'm very lonely without daddy," I respond. "I know that I'm married to him, and I want you to know that being with Jack does not change how I feel about daddy. I love daddy very much. But I want to spend time with Jack, and I like to think that daddy would understand."

"Is Jack my new daddy?"

"No Johnny," Jack replies. "I'm just Jack. Your dad will always be your dad. Okay?"

"Okay. I like Jack, mommy. This is good."

"I'm very happy you feel that way John," I say, moving around the island to kiss him. "Thank you."

"I should get going." Jack says after John finds his way to a muffin and goes to watch TV in the living room. "Walk me to the door?"

I nod and follow Jack to the front. He slips on his sneakers and shrugs on his grey sweater vest. "I was thinking we could have dinner tonight? I'll bring home a pizza?"

"That sounds good," I say, leaning against the door frame. "I'm going to have to stop by my parent's house and apologize to my dad. I didn't say much to him last night. I think I should go to Ricky too, and tell him… you know… about us."

"You do what you feel you need to do to be comfortable with this alright? I'll see you tonight Amy." He pecks me on the lips and leaves the condo. I close the door behind him, oblivious to the grin on my face.

* * *

After lunch, I pack up the kids and drive to my parent's house as I don't want them with me when I go to see Ricky. On the ride over, I warn John not to say anything about me and Jack to my family because I want to be the one to tell them. He agrees, and although I trust him, he is only four and a half; he could let something slip. My dad is out shopping with Robbie when we arrive, which means I'll have to speak with him later. I put Maddie down for a nap in my old room and find John some cheese, crackers and a dog movie on TV. I promise him I'll be back before it's over and leave before my mom can condescend me on my behaviour like I know my dad told her she should.

It's a slow drive to the hospital with all the weekend traffic. Having hardly slept, I yawn at wheel repeatedly and put on some music to help me stay awake. The problem with the radio is that you can't control the music, and the first song that I tune to is the one Ricky and I danced to at the reception he surprised me with when Maddie and I first came home from the hospital. I immediately shut off my stereo and drum my fingers against the wheel for the rest of the drive. At a red light, I turn my head to look out my window and catch sight of a couple at a bus stop making out. A flashback floods my memory as the light turns green.

* * *

"_Oh! Ricky! Ri- stop!" She screamed through her laughter as her husband tickled her collar bone with his lips. _

"_Why?" He laughed against her neck, biting her earlobe playfully._

"_Because we're in public!"_

_Ricky stopped to stare at her. "We're at a bus stop at eleven-thirty at night. No one's around!" He returned to her neck._

_A little intoxicated, Amy burst out into another fit of laughter and scurried out from under his arms, which held her captive against the side of the bus stop that held a poster advertising a local TV station. _

"_So that doesn't mean we can… umm…"_

_Ricky laughed. "You alright there?" _

_Amy closed her eyes and grinned. "I'm fine," she slurred. "I had fun tonight. That was a great concert."_

"_I'm glad you liked it. I had fun too. I haven' t been to a concert in years. The last one I went to was when I was ten. My foster dad at the time had tickets."_

"_I went when I was twelve. No thirteen. No twelve. Twelve. Lauren's dad got us tickets. It was some pop star at the time. I think if I was sober, I'd remember."_

"_I can't believe that bar tender didn't card you."_

"_He liked me!" Amy singsonged, dancing around Ricky._

"_Yeah? Well he can't have you," Ricky sang back. He hated alcohol, but having Amy in such a playful mood was definitely something he enjoyed._

"_Why not?"_

"_Because," Ricky whispered, kissing her nose. "You're." Kiss. "All." Kiss. "Mine." Kiss. She fixed her lips to his, brushing her finger tips through his buzz cut. She bumped her groin against his. He issued a moan._

"_We should stop," he said, fighting for breath. This time it was her turn to touch her tongue to his earlobe. _

"_Why?"_

"_Because… we're in public!"_

* * *

I'm quite nauseous when I sit down next to Ricky. The discussion I am about to have with him has unsettled me my entire drive to the hospital, and I don't think I have the strength to get through it. _What am I doing?_ I ask myself, throwing my head in my hands. I'm married. I vowed to stand by him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. However Ricky might as well be dead. He could spend the rest of his life in this bed, and I could spend the rest of my life waiting for him to wake up. Or, I can do my best at moving on, have faith that he'll wake up and decide what happens next if he does.

"I wish we had talked about this while you were still awake," I say, escaping my thoughts. "We never talked about what would happen if one of us died. I feel as if I don't have your permission to move on from you Ricky, and it's killing me inside."

"Something happened with me and Jack. We made out. I mean, he initiated it… but still."

"He told me that in grade nine, you know when I had just gotten pregnant with John, that he was into me or whatever. And that he still has feelings for me now."

A tight pain builds in my throat. "He- he asked me if I have feelings for him." The pitch of my voice rises as tears spill from my eyes and my breathing hitches. "And I said yes."

"I care about him!" I sob. "I don't want to but I do! And I know it's awful for me to say, but waiting for you is just too hard Ricky! I don't want to feel alone or lost anymore! I want to be happy again! And I wish, oh I wish with all my heart that you'd wake up right now, and we could go back to the perfect life we had before the accident. But you aren't waking up! And you aren't getting better! And if I have any chance at moving on with my life and being happy again, then I need to try and see if this thing with Jack can work."

"I know you must hate me. I hate me! And I know that if things were the other way around that you would have to strength to wait for me. But I'm not you! And I'm not that strong. And I hope that someday you can forgive me for not having the bravery you deserve."

I drive my fists into my eyes to clear them of my tears. My stuffed nose inhibits me from breathing properly. I push away from my chair and sit beside Ricky on the bed. This isn't the same face he had four months ago. He's different.

"I will always love you," I whisper through my crying hiccups. Lowering myself down, I kiss his lips. When I pull away, I see that his cheeks have stolen the tears from mine. I wipe his face, brush my hand over his head once and stand. Walking away from him in this moment is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It's not until I'm alone in my car that I breathe again. I collapse into sobs. Veins protrude from my forehead and water coats my cheeks. It's a messy, snotty, ugly cry. I scream at the top of my lungs, and lunge for my steering wheel. I grip it so tightly, my knuckles turn white. I seize in my seat, throwing my head back against my head rest and howling. Forming a fist, I slam my hand against the passenger seat. The car shakes beneath my rage. Intolerable sounds wrench their way from inside me.

This is where I leave the pain. This is where I leave him.

* * *

"_What's a few more minutes?" he mumbled, refusing to take his eyes off of hers. She was so beautiful. His heart continued beating rapidly. His panic threw him off guard. _

"_Yeah," she squeaked. She was nervous, but then again so was he. Only she didn't want to continue, or at least she didn't think she did. She wanted a boyfriend, she wanted to feel appreciated and special. If she left now, she'd ruin everything. _

_He released a jittery smile and told himself to close his eyes. He leaned forward, letting their lips meet again. At first she was unresponsive to his kiss, but as he lingered, she eventually reciprocated. He could tell she wasn't very experienced, but she still managed to ignite something inside of him; something that drove him crazy. _

_Overtime, his hands found their way to her cheek, then her shoulder. Grazing her breast and making her shiver, they ended up at her waist. She was in a tight burgundy dress that stopped at the thigh. _

_His other hand found the back of her head as they kissed and as he closed the space between them, she laid flat against the couch. Growing hard, he deepened the kiss, and pulled one of her hands to his hair. She grabbed a few curls apprehensively. He moaned and nodded his head, as his fingers shakily unbuttoned his jeans. She could barely hear the unzipping of his pants over the blood pounding in her ears. Her heart beat rapidly. _

_She registered his hands against her thigh and the rolling of her skirt. Next came a pain so sharp and unexpected, she cried out in pain. He froze, but only for a moment. He broke the kiss, and tightly gripped the armrest of the couch that her head was leaning against. He rocked against her a few times, his breathing heavy. Her eyes filled with tears as he groaned slightly and then laid against her. She could see a faint line of sweat building on his forehead when he pushed off of her a moment later. She closed her eyes after that, wanting to be as still as possible until he left. _

_Seeing the thin red film that covered most of his penis, he realized she was a virgin. A piece of him felt guilty, but she hadn't said anything, and it was obvious they had both wanted it. She lied there, with her eyes closed. He tidied himself up and stood from the couch._

"_Umm do you want me to walk you back to your cabin?"_

_She shook her head slightly, and kept her eyes closed. He mumbled an okay, and then turned to walk out of the room. She wasn't sure what had just happened. That had been sex right? Had he used something? Had he been using her? She opened her eyes and watched him leave. A part of her wanted to never see him again. A part of her didn't want him to walk out that door. But then he did._

* * *

It's a long drive back to my parent's house. I don't successfully stop crying until reaching an intersection a few streets away from their house and when I walk inside, my puffy face tells my mom and dad that I'm upset. Once I learn that Maddie is spending time with Alex and Ashley in the garage and that John and Robbie are with Toby at the park, I sit down with my parents and prepare to tell them everything.

"I'm sorry about how I treated you the other night dad. I know you're just trying to reinforce what my priorities are."

"You're right. I care about you Ames. We both do."

"I know that. And I'm sorry for getting so defensive. But you need to let me make my own decisions! I think the past few years have proved to us all time and time again that I am a lot older than twenty years old inside, and that I can handle making reasonable decisions."

"We know that Amy. We're just concerned about all the time you've been spending with Jack. Is there something going on between you?"

I look at my fingers. They are entwined together, sitting on the dinning room table in front of me. "Yes," I say after a decent pause. 'There is." My parents share in a unanimous gasp. "He kissed me last night on our outing and this morning we both admitted to having feelings for each other."

"Amy…" my mom interrupts, trying to calm down my dad.

"Let me finish!" I snap. "I was just with Ricky. I told him everything. If you're wanting this to not be an easy decision for me, congratulations, because it isn't. Actually moving on from him, from my marriage, is breaking my heart. I don't want to leave him. I have to! I have to move on! It's not fair to expect him to wake up! It's not fair that I'm miserable for the rest of my life, and that my kids don't grow up without a dad. Ricky wouldn't want that!"

"And if he wakes up?" My dad mutters, his arms crossed sternly against him.

"If he wakes up, I figure it out. If he doesn't… then I either spend my entire life waiting for him, or I try and be as happy as this situation will let me be."

"He isn't going to understand it you know," says my dad. "He's going to wake up thinking he's back on that over night trip with you. You really want to blindside him with the fact that you've broken your vows and jeopardized your marriage?"

"Our vows promise to stand by one another until death. How is this not death? Eight points less on some stupid medical scale and they'd be putting Ricky to sleep dad!"

"He isn't dead yet Amy. But move on to some other guy, and you just might kill him."

I shake my head. "I've made my decision. You aren't going to change my mind. I care about Jack and Jack cares about me. I need him!"

"It's like Ben all over again. The minute Ricky isn't here to rescue you, you fall into the arms of someone who can."

"THIS IS NOT LIKE BEN! I was fifteen and pregnant when Ben came into my life. He told me loved me. He was every answer I was looking for, and I needed help. Jack can't fix anything other than the fact that I am incredibly lonely and lost. I don't need Jack's money or support, I just need him! He's making me happy in this world of despair and endless darkness! Why can't you be glad that I'm smiling again?"

My mom, in tears, is the one who speaks next. "We are happy you're happy. We're thrilled that you're smiling again Amy! Seeing you over these past couple months physically ruined us! We just don't want you giving up on Ricky. He doesn't deserve that and neither do you."

"I could never give up on Ricky. I love him too much."

* * *

John fights me on leaving to go home until I mention to him that Jack is bringing home pizza. He runs to the car, singing a song to himself while I buckle him and Maddie in their seats. Waving bye to my parents, I head for the condo, but have to stop for gas on the way. We're home by 6:15. John ejects himself from his carseat as soon as the van is parked in the driveway while I work on getting Maddie out of the car. She holds my hand and we walk to the front door and points out a butterfly fluttering over our heads while I struggle to get the house key from my purse. Once inside, John flings his shoes in different directions like he normally does and runs to the couch to catch a cartoon on TV. Maddie joins him while I fix up the condo and start on a load of laundry. A little while later, I hear the kids break out into a screaming match, probably because John won't share something with his sister. Just as I'm about to go into the living room and match their high pitched voices with mine, Jack enters the condo through the unlocked front door.

John runs to greet him, hugging Jack at the legs while Maddie copies her brother. I hug Jack and take the pizza he is holding out of his hands. He helps the kids wash up and takes them to the kitchen, where I've set the table. We sit down to eat.

"So how did everything go today?" Jack asks, taking a sip from his glass of water.

I shrug. "It could have been better. I'll tell you about it after though. It's too boring for John."

We both look at John, who is engrossed in his pizza slice and has tomato sauce pooling over his chin. Jack hands him a napkin and guides him through the clean up.

"I like having you here Jack!" John pipes, giving me his crust. He never eats his crusts.

"I know you do Johnny. We have a lot of fun together. Don't we?"

John nods his head and starts on his second slice. Soon he gets full, and once I've wiped his face clean, he goes off to play in his room. While Maddie continues nibbling on the small squares of pizza I've cut up for her, Jack drags his chair in towards mine and kisses my forehead.

"I missed you today. How did things go?"

My eyes get misty. I lean my head on Jack's shoulder. He slips his hand sound my back. "Not so good. I went to talk to Ricky. I told him everything. It was so hard Jack. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. Walking away like that… I couldn't stop crying."

"I know this isn't easy for you at all. I really admire how strong you're being, and I really appreciate it. So thank you. I'm proud of you. You did great today. Did you talk with your parents?"

"Yeah. They gave me a good lecture. But I didn't let them change my mind. They know you and I are serious about each other and they're glad you make me happy."

"I do? I make you happy?"

I smile and slowly kiss him on the lips. The action is still foreign to me. "Very happy."

* * *

After dinner, Jack helps me clean up and occupies Maddie while I give John a shower. He then reads John a story while I bathe Maddie and waits with her in her room while I tuck John in. Jack watches a sports recap on TV while I pace the condo with Maddie. Soon she's asleep and I return to the living room after slipping her into her crib.

Jack makes room on the couch for me, slipping his arm over my shoulder after I sit down.

"I told my parents about us today after practice. They're happy for us. They want to meet you eventually."

"I wish your parents were as supportive as mine."

"They will be," he says. "Just give them time."

"I'm trying."

"You know, I liked helping with the kids tonight."

"Well having you around makes things so much easier. But trust me, you're not going to want to do this all the time. It gets pretty repetitive."

"I don't mind. Really." He kisses me. "You're comfortable with all this right? I mean, we just got together. We don't need to move this fast."

"I don't think we need to be cautious just because of my situation. I want to act the same way with you as I would if we weren't in such a complicated situation."

"I know, but you've been with the same guy since you were 17. Three years is a long time Amy. I just don't want you doing anything you don't feel ready for okay?"

"Alright. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he says. I can see he is hesitant to kiss me, so I do it for him. He smiles shyly. "I should get going."

"I'll walk you out," I say as I take his hand. We walk towards the door. "There is something I've been meaning to tell you. "

"What?"

"The guy who hit us… his trial is next week. I've been dreading it and I'm really nervous and I know that your pre-season just started up again, but I was wondering…"

"If I could come with you to court? Of course I will. You'll have me by your side. Don't worry."

"Thank you." I say as he pulls me in. We stand there for a minute, just hugging.

"You know I've been thinking about something too."

"What's that?"

"You should come to church with me sometime. I think it might help you with this whole thing."

"I don't know Jack… You know I don't go to church…"

"I know, but it's important to me. Just promise me you'll think about it?"

**A/N Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! We are so close to 100 reviews! Therefore, I am going to wait for this story to reach 100+ before posting again. I'm currently writing chapter 12, so this will help me have some more time to catch up on writing for all of you! **

**In other news... I SAW ONE DIRECTION LIVE this weekend. Do any of you like One Direction?**


	11. Chapter 11

"And now let us end today in an Our Father," Reverend Stone says from his place behind the church's oak alter as he bowes his head and folds his hands over his robe.

Turning my head from side to side to look at the people around me, I watch as Jack (sitting to my right) closes his eyes along with the entire congregation. I follow and shut my eyes. Listening as the church is lead in prayer, I pay special attention to the words being said.

"_Give us this day, our daily bread,_

_and forgive us our trespasses, _

_as we forgive those who trespass against us._

_And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil._

_Amen."_

I can't help but think of Ricky when these words are sent out into the cathedral. It's been a week since Jack and I officially became a couple. My family wasn't too pleased with my choice to get together with him, but the smile on my face that I haven't been able to shake away is proof to me that I've made the right decision. I miss having someone above the age of four to talk to about things. I've missed holding hands in public and seeing my daughter read a book with someone other than me.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that this seems as if Jack is replacing Ricky. However, all he's doing is healing a small part of the very large wound that Ricky's absence has left on my heart. Ricky is not capable of being replaced. Despite this, I still feel guilty for putting my happiness before Ricky's, and the solace I find in this prayer makes me feel better. It's comforting to know that I can not only ask for forgiveness of my decisions, but actually be let go from my sins.

I'm stolen from my thoughts when the church stands in unison. I stand as Jack does, and realize he's telling me that the service is over. He presses his navy blue tie against his pale pink dress shirt as he slides out of the church pew. I follow him into the aisle, where he stops to greet his father and mother (both whom I've never met before).

"Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet Amy," Jack says as I slowly follow up behind him.

Both his mother and Reverend Stone greet me with a sincere grin and I smile shyly as they both offer to embrace me with a hug.

"It's so nice to meet you Amy," Jack's mom, Didi, says as she leans into her husband. "We're so sorry about Ricky."

"Thank you," I try to say without my voice wavering. It's never easy to have someone extend their pity. Jack wraps his arm around my back and kisses my head.

"How are the little ones doing? Umm John and Madeline?" Reverend Stone asks cheerily.

"Maddie actually, and they're doing fine. Jack has been a big help. Especially with John, who absolutely adores him."

"Well we would love to meet them sometime," Didi replies. "Has Jack mentioned you two coming over for dinner?"

"He has. I just haven't found the time. I have a court appearance friday in the trial against the drunk driver who caused our accident. So maybe next weekend?"

Reverend Stone claps his hands. "That sounds promising! And by all means, feel free to bring the kids over too."

"Thanks," I reply politely. I turn to Jack. "Would you be okay if we left now? I really want to spend some time with the kids this afternoon since I won't be seeing them much this week."

Jack nods. "Sure, we can go." I watch as Jack hugs both his parents goodbye. He then takes my hand and we wave over our shoulders with forced smiles as we walk towards the back of the church.

"So how was it?" Jack asks me apprehensively as we enter his truck.

"Not bad! I've only ever been to church like a couple times in my life, so I didn't really know what to expect. But I wasn't bored like I thought I'd be! Your dad's speech or whatever you call it was really good. That prayer at the end was my favourite part though."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm kind of hoping we could do this every now and again. Not only because religion is a huge part of my life, but because I think relying on someone like Jesus could really help you in a time like this. What about my parents though? Did they come on too strong?"

I giggle. "No! They're great. I just don't like being reminded of Ricky too much."

"I know, my mom. I'm sorry."

I rub my hand up and down his thigh. "It's okay. Don't apologize. I really like you're parents okay? And I really like church! Now take me home so we can pick up the kids and go get lunch!"

Jack laughs. "Alright, alright, I'm going! But before I do, can I just say that the skirt you're wearing today is lovely?"

"You're not so bad in a tie either," I wink, as Jack starts up the engine and pulls out of our parking space.

* * *

With shaking hands, I take a sip of the Starbucks coffee that I am easily too nervous to be drinking. Jack looks at me and frowns. We're in his truck, sitting in the parking lot of the city court house. It's 8:57 am. James called last night over dinner, telling me to meet him on the house steps at 9. Aware of my fear towards the trial, Jack slept on the couch last night. We stopped at his apartment on the way to breakfast after my mom arrived at the condo to watch the kids. She's the only one available to help me out this week as my dad needs to work and Margaret is going to be testifying in court.

I take another shaky breath and finish the rest of what's in my drink. Jack pops open the cup holder underneath the truck's radio and checks the time on his wrist.

"You ready?" I shake my head no. He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. "It'll be fine. I promise."

Instead of responding, I turn my head and look out my window. "There's James," I say in reference to the steps. "We should go."

I slip my hand from Jack's and unbuckle my seat belt. He follows me out of the truck and jogs in his grey suit up to my side. His hand curls around my bicep as we are approached by a dozen reporters as soon as we reach the courthouse. James runs to our aid.

"Mrs. Juergens! What are your hopes with the results of the trial this morning?"

"Have you seen footage of the crash?"

"Have you spoken with Mr. Felps?"

"Any improvement on your husband?"

"How are your children Amy!?"

The questions and camera flashes are too much to bear. I fall against Jack, fighting the tears that refuse to listen to me.

"Not here Amy!" James barks. "Jack get her inside. Now!"

Jack escorts me into the courthouse as security guards run past us and form a barricade between James and the reporters. I can hear him start to give the press an update as the courthouse doors shut behind us. Jack sits me down on a bench and helps me through deep breathes until James arrives, now accompanied by my in-laws. I hug both Margaret and Shaker, who are equally as shaken up by the reporters as I am.

"We need to head inside Amy. You need to get it together. Don't let them get to you, do you hear me? All they want is a story."

"I don't think I can do this guys. I'm sorry," I whisper through tears.

"Yes you can!" Jack exclaims, taking me by both shoulders. "You have to! You have to do it for Ricky!"

* * *

"Do it for Ricky," I repeat to myself. I continuously mumble the phrase until we are seated inside of the courtroom. We're on the left side of the judge's seat. Jack sits in a spot among the rows of benches set for the audience. Ricky's parents join him.

As the jury files in, James turns to me and begins mumbling in my ear. "I don't have a bucket with me so you cannot puke today okay? I know how this guy gets to you. He's going to try to do that everyday throughout this trial. We talked about it remember? Just tune him out, take deep breaths, speak honestly in the stand. We'll win this no problem. The only question is, by how much."

Just as James finishes speaking, a door at the front of the room is opened by a guard. Two other uniformed officers walk in, escorting a man in an orange jump suit. Matthew. His hair is shaved just as before, but his face is colder than when I first met him. A shiver runs up my spine when he catches me staring. He squints his eyes and glares hatefully at me. I stare right back. We don't break eye contact until he is seated down at his table, at which point it is James who steals back my attention. He nudges my shoulder and points to a guard.

"All rise for Judge M. McDonald," the bailiff shouts as a young african american women in a judges robe sits down in the raised platform. We stand to greet her, and sit when she nods her head in our direction.

"Case 1245. August 2013. Defendant, Matthew M Felps, court assigned attorney, Gregory Abrams. Plaintiff, Amy Underwood, attorney James Davis."

"Welcome everyone. Let's begin."

"Mr. Felps," Judge MacDonald starts, "the case file shows that you are being charged on seven accounts. One account of corporate property damage. One account of municipal terrain damages. One account of underage drinking. One account of driving under the influence with a blood alcohol level of 0.186. One account of reckless driving. And two accounts of personal injury to a third party. How do you plea?"

Matthew's attorney Gregory clears his throat. "Not guilty your honour."

I scoff and roll my eyes. James grabs my elbow and squeezes. He told me beforehand not to show emotion.

"Mr. Abrams. On the behalf of your client, please state your case."

Abrams steps around his table towards the jury bench. "My client, Matthew Felps, is a nineteen-year-old young man. In the past few months, he has had plenty of time to think about the consequences of his actions. Yes, he did drink far too much on the night of the accident and yes he is under the age of 21. He did get behind the wheel of a truck, fully aware of his impairment. However, he fully understands the seriousness of his decisions that fated night and deeply regrets the pain and harm he has caused the Underwood family. Sentencing this man with endless years in jail and countless charges simply to teach him a lesson he has already learned not only disables the opportunity for him to grow as a person, but is a pointless distribution of consequences. I thank you for your time and hope you will help me in sympathizing with my client." I have to bite the inside of my lip to keep from saying something I'll regret as Abrams walks back to his table.

I think I even catch the judge roll her eyes before turning over a paper on her desk.

"Mr. Davis. On the behalf of your client, would you please state your case."

James nods his head and pats my shoulder gently as I watch him move in front of the jury. "Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like you all to look at Amy Juergens for a moment. Not only is she my client, but a friend I have gotten to know over the past few months. She is a beautiful young woman, scarred by past events that you can't see by simply looking at her. At the age of fifteen, Amy met the love of her life…"

"Objection your honour. How is this relevant to the case?" Abrams whines from his seat.

The judge removes her attention from James and coldly glances at Matthew's attorney. "Mr. Abrams, I would highly suggest you sit down and hold back any further unnecessary comments for the rest of this trial. Mr. Davis, please proceed."

"Thank you your honour. As I was saying, Amy met the love of her life, Richard Underwood, best known as Ricky, at a camp for musicians, where the two participated in unprotected sex with one another and accidentally conceived their first son John. After John was born, Ricky and Amy entered into a friendship as parents, becoming a couple soon after John's first birthday. When John was three, Amy and Ricky found out they were pregnant with a second child, and got married just before having Madeline, who we all love to call Maddie. On the night of their first year anniversary, and daughter's first birthday, Amy and Ricky went out of town to celebrate, and coming home early to their ill son, were involved in a devastating car accident caused by a drunk driver. At this point in time, Ricky remains in a deep coma with no signs of improvement, but cannot be put to death as he does not rely on a ventilator to breathe. Therefore, Amy is left alone, practically a widow, with two very young children who have both dealt with post traumatic stress following their father's accident. They live in fear they have lost a husband and father forever. They search for hope in what I refer to as everlasting darkness. They deserve justice. Thank you."

I have to wipe tears from my eyes as James returns to seat beside me. He rubs my back and hands me a tissue. I guess he wants me to seem sad here.

Judge McDonald clears her throat and looks down at her desk. "Would Julian Adriano please take the stand."

A pudgy man with thinning black hair and a navy suit stands from a row a few behind me. He coughs nervously as he slips through the gate and avoids Matthew's untiring glare when he takes his place beside the Judge. He is sworn in under oath and sits down. James is first to speak.

"Mr. Adriano, you own a furniture company in Pasadena yes?"

Mr. Adriano coughs again and leans into his microphone. "Umm, yes that's right."

"Your records show that Matthew Felps was hired on April 13th of this year. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he answers again.

"Would you mind explaining to the jury, and the room, what Matthew's job requirements were when he was hired and what he was doing with a truck belonging to your company after work hours?"

"Matthew was a furniture delivery man. My company holds 12 delivery positions. He had two other employees that he worked with. They left Matthew on the evening before the accident at 8:30 pm after their last delivery. It was reasoned with after that he had used the truck from that day to transfer friends to and from a party out of town and that he was driving it back to our head quarters during the time of the accident."

"Had Matthew had a record before you hired him?"

Adriano shrugs his shoulders. "A little substance abuse in high school. I decided to look past it. His mom wasn't doing too well according to him, and I got a boy bout his age, so I know what goes on with the weed and the joints. I thought I'd cut him a break."

James looks sympathetically at Mr. Adriano. "No further questions."

Matthew's attorney follows James by asking Mr. Adriano about Matthew's work habits. Matthew's former boss is then dismissed from the stand.

Margaret takes the stand next, testifying on behalf of our family. She re-visits Ricky's foster care past, bringing up details even I didn't know. The first family Ricky got sent to refused to take him to the hospital when he sprained his wrist. Margaret has to finish speaking over my sobs.

"That man, has ruined the life of my son, my daughter Amy and my grand babies. There is no lesson to be learned. There is a just a price to pay, and no punishment can ever erase what has been done to my son and his family."

Matthew springs from his seat, making me jump. "You don't think I'm paying for it? Locked up in his hell hole?"

The judge hammers down her gavel as Matthew's attorney forces him back into his seat. He waves off asking Margaret any questions, and the guard helps her down from the stairs. She smiles softly at me as we both brush tears from our cheeks.

"I think that's enough for today." Judge McDonald exclaims. "Normally, I'd recommend a small recess, but emotions are running high and the maturity level in a select individual is concerning. The court shall resume tomorrow at 9 am."

* * *

The next day, a paramedic from the night of the accident is sworn to the stand, along with our doctor, Scott, that afternoon. We are taken through the process of Ricky's injuries, where the jury gasps at pictures from Ricky's first few days in intensive care.

When court is again re scheduled for tomorrow, I run to catch the paramedic outside and thank him for helping us on the night of the accident. He tells me to take care.

Jack sleeps on our couch for the rest of the week and the kids stay with my mom during the day. Margaret and Shakur continue to escort us through the trial. On Wednesday, three police officers take the stand and recall approaching the accident. The officer who was, by miracle, patrolling the highway with her partner that morning is the one who discovered the scene mere minutes after the crash. She is the one who found me. At the end of the day, I thank her too.

Matthew takes the stand on Thursday. He says what I expected he would; that he's sorry and that he's learned his lesson and that he can't afford to be away from his mom. He has a younger sister. I didn't know that. For a second, I empathize with him, but the feeling is gone as quick as it comes.

* * *

Today is Friday, the day I testify. I'm the last to take the stand, at which point the trial will be over, and the jury will be left to decide how Matthew is punished. I can't help but worry that they'll see his side of things and believe he's learned his lesson. Both James and Jack tell me that I'm crazy.

My hands shake when the judge calls my name. I look from James to Jack, both who nod their head, encouraging me to stand. I exhale nervously as I push myself up from the table and creep my way towards the chair that those testifying sit in. I catch the blank stares of members of the jury as the guard next to the judge helps me into my seat.

"Please place your left hand on this bible and your right hand in the air," the guard says to me once I am standing in my spot. I do as he tells me and force myself to look straight ahead. I keep a cold face, trying to appear as collected as possible. However if anyone could see how badly my knees are shaking right now, they would know I am the furthest thing from having it all together.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

I gulp. "I do."

"You make be seated," the guard says and moves off to the side as Matthew's attorney approaches me.

"Hi Amy," he says smugly. "How are you?"

"Been better," I mumble along with a shrug.

"How's Ricky doing?"

"I haven't been to see him all week, with, you know, being here and all, but he's been better too."

Abrams chuckles. "I want to bring you back to the night of the crash for a moment. Your police statement says you and Ricky were talking right before the crash. That right?" I nod my head. "Verbal statements please, Amy."

I huff. "Yes."

"What were you talking about?"

"I don't remember. I said in my report that I don't remember."

"Were you arguing?"

"No."

"Was he upset about anything? Was he distracted?"

"No… n- no."

"Should I ask it again? Was your husband, Ricky Underwood, distracted? About anything at all?"

"_Yeah Amy, listen… about that…"_

"_Umm.."_

"_No Amy.. it's about Toronto…"_

"_Ricky…"_

"_There was this-"_

"_Rickyyyyyyyy!"_

The words shriek through my head. My eyes well up with tears. "He was… he was trying to tell me something… I don't remember what though."

"So you lied just now."

"Objection!" James yells.

The judge holds up her hand. "Mr. Abrams, quit the accusations before I have to do something I'll regret."

"No. I didn't. He was telling me something, something that seemed important, but he wasn't distracted."

"When did you and Ricky get together?"

"Why?"

"Amy, answer the question," Judge McDonald says.

I nod my head. "Sometime over the summer before my grade 11 year. I went to New York for a music program."

"How come you two waited so long to become a couple. You had a son did you not?"

"We didn't… well… I especially… didn't have feelings for each other at the time John was born."

"Did that lack of love ever trouble you once you two were wed? Having two kids at nineteen has to be difficult."

"No. I mean, there were fights yes, but I loved him. I do love him. I will always love him." I tilt to my right and look directly at Matthew. "Do you hear me? Do you understand that? I love him! I love him! And he's gone! Because you took him away from me! You took my husband away from me! And not only do I have to live with that for the rest of my life, along with my children and my family, but you have to live with that too. Matthew, I said I forgive you. That still remains true. But I will never, ever forget what you have done."

Matthew holds my stare. His face is red, and his lip quivers. He can't explode. Not this time.

"Who's Jack Amy?" his attorney deadpans.

"Wh-what?"

"Objection!" James screams, standing up.

"Sustained. Mr. Abrams, continue."

"Who is Jack?"

My heart races. He wasn't supposed to ask this question, but then again I wasn't supposed to acknowledge Matthew. I've messed up.

"He's.. he's my friend." My eyes flicker to where Jack sits. He is standing up to leave.

"Just a friend? Are you sure about that? Is that why he's walking out of this courtroom right now trying not to make a scene?"

All heads turn to the back of the room, where Jack stands still with his hand against the door that leads out into the hallway. I bite my lip as my eyes well with tears.

"I'll ask you one more time Amy. Who is Jack?"

"He's my… he's my boyfriend." I grimace as the jury gasps.

Gregory Abrams smiles. "No further questions your honour. You can sit down Jack."

The judge sits stiffer now. "Mr. Davis?"

James shakes his head. "No further questions," he mumbles. He locks his eyes with mine. He's pale. "Why?" he mouths, as I step down from the stand. I walk back towards him. When I sit down, he slips me his notepad. It reads _start praying_.

"That concludes the end of the testimonies. Bailiff, please escort the jury to the mediation room. We will wait to hear your decision. We will resume after a thirty minute recess." I break into sobs as she bangs her gavel.

Chatter begins immediately. James stands. "James! What happens now!" I cry.

"I don't know Amy. I really don't. Do you know how bad it looks for you to be dating someone? All that crap about how much you love Ricky? It means nothing now."

"But it wasn't crap! It was the truth!"

"Yes but that's not how they'll see it Amy!"

* * *

Jack and I sit off in a corner in the hallway for the duration of the recess. We are quiet. There is nothing to be said. Eventually, James, nursing a cup of coffee, comes up towards us.

"The jury made a decision. They're calling everyone back in."

Jack helps me as I stand. "Do you want me to go?" he whispers.

"What? No!" I turn to James. "Give us a minute?" He nods and walks off.

"Why would you think I want you to go?"

"Incase we lose and you never want to see me again."

I pull him against me, locking my hands onto his shoulders. "If we lose, I'm going to need you more than you can even imagine. I'm not mad at you, ja-honey. I'm mad at myself."

"I'm sorry Amy. If I had known…"

"Me too. But hey, listen okay," I say as we pull apart. "No matter what happens, I want you to do something for John this weekend."

"Sure. Anything."

"Back at Christmas, Ben gave John a pair of baseball tickets for this weekend. I don't want John to miss out on that. It's awful that Ricky can't go, but John really needs something like this right now."

"Of course. I'd be honoured to take him."

I smile and take his hand. We walk into the courtroom. He goes to let go, but I grip his hand harder and shake my head. He smiles softly, and I lead him to the bench right behind our table. We fold into a hug.

"Amy," he whispers into my ear, "pray."

Prayer. Right. How do I do that? I can say the Our Father. That's what it's called right? Okay. Here we go.

_Our Father, who art in Heaven,_

Jack and I pull apart. He squeezes my hand before letting me go. I slip through the small gate and take my seat.

_Hallowed be thy name. _

The judge sits down and bangs her gavel. She nods at the guard to let the jury in.

_Thy kingdom come,_

The jury files in, all silent and saddened. The last man holds a piece of paper.

_Thy will be done, _

The piece of paper is passed from the bailiff to the judge, and back to the man in the jury.

_on earth as it is in Heaven._

"Jury, how do you find the defendant?"

_Give us this day, our daily bread,_

The man opens up the piece of paper.

_and forgive us our trespasses,_

I hold my breath.

_as we forgive those who trespass against us,_

James squeezes my hand.

_and lead us not into temptation, _

"We, the jury, find the defendant…"

_but deliver us from evil,_

Guilty.

_Amen. _


	12. Chapter 12

"Mommy got me a new backpack!" John rambles with excitement from his spot on top of Ricky's bed. He sits with his legs crossed, unpacking his school bag to show his dad what's inside.

"It's spiderman. So was my old one, but this one is blue, not red, and Michael has a blue bag and I told mommy I liked his better than mine so she got me one. She said it was on sale, which is good. And these shoes are from Jack. They light up. They're batman though. That's okay. If you were awake, you could see them light up, but you can't, so you just have to believe me instead okay daddy?"

I chuckle from my seat in the chair next to the door.

"Mommy got me these shorts. First they didn't fit, so she had to return them. And my plaid shirt that I am wearing, its blue by the way, Grandma Annie got me it. And Grandma Margie and Grandpa Shakur took me to get my hair cut. It goes up in the front. Look you can feel it!"

I smile as John reaches for Ricky's hand and brushes his head against his dad's palm. "Cool huh?"

"John honey, we should get going. Jack and Maddie will be coming back from their walk soon."

"Okay! Bye daddy, we have to go now. When I see you again, I'll tell you all about my first day of school! If you want to wake up before I see you again, you can do that, but I don't think I can come see you until school's over."

"Honey, if daddy wakes up while you're at school, you will definitely be allowed to come see him," I say as I stand. "Now come on, I don't want you being late for you first day of school!"

"Wooohoo!" John screams before kissing Ricky on the cheek and jumping to the ground.

Maddie comes running into the room. "Mama umm bak!"

"Hi sweetie! I missed you! Go outside with Johnny okay? I'm going to say bye to daddy."

John loops his bag around his shoulders and takes Maddie's hand. He sings a song with her as he leads her out of the room, and I can hear her giggle from down the hall when they meet up with Jack.

"He's taking really good care of us Ricky. Don't worry. Can you believe it's John's first day of school? It feels like ages ago that we were at that open house… He has that teacher we met that day, Ms. Angelini. He's so excited, but I'm sure you could tell. I start school today too. It's going to be so weird not having you there with me everyday, but there will not be a second that goes by where you are not on my mind."

I bend down and kiss his forehead. "Have a great day."

* * *

"John," I say, unbuckling my seatbelt to turn around once Jack has pulled the truck into a parking spot outside of John's new school. "Time to go."

John looks at me, nervously gripping the arm rests of his car seat. He shakes his head. "Un-uh"

"John! You're going to be fine!" says Jack.

John shakes his head again. "I'm- I'm scared! I wish daddy were here!" He hurries to hide his face as he starts to cry.

Sighing, I jump out of the truck and whip open the door that leads to John. I wrap my arms around him and press my cheek to the top of his head. He whimpers into my chest. Jack stares at us sympathetically from the front seat.

"You're going to be fine baby," I whisper. "I know that you're scared, but you are going to be fine!"

"I don't want to go mommy! What if the kids make fun of me for not having a daddy?"

"You tell them that you do have a daddy! A daddy who loves you very much! After all, that is the truth right?"

John folds his hands into fists and rubs them into his eyes. "Yeah… but I still wish he'd wake up. I'm tired of him sleeping! I try to be happy when I am with him so that he doesn't know I am sad!"

"And that is very brave of you, and your daddy loves you very much for that. But honey, if you're sad, you can show it. You don't need to hide how you're feeling. Not even at school. So today, or any other day, if you feel overwhelmed, you tell your teacher and she will call me, and we can talk. You know who your teacher is right? That nice lady we met last year."

"I remember. So I can do that? I can really call you?"

I nod my head. "Absolutely. Now, how about we go inside and find your cubby?"

"Okay," he smiles through his tears, taking my hand as he climbs out of the truck. "Bye Jack."

"Bye buddy!" Jack calls from the front seat before I close the door after John and walk him into the building.

* * *

"You okay?" Jack asks me as he adjusts a strap on his bag.

I tilt my head to my right to look at him, disturbing the staring contest I currently hold with my shoes. "Hmm? Umm yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugs. "You were crying when you came back to the truck. Did John have another meltdown?"

"No. I already told you he was fine. We found his cubby, he met up with Michael, kissed me goodbye and that was it."

"So then what's wrong?"

I shake my head. "You wouldn't understand."

Jack stops walking beside me to glance at a flight of concrete steps. _Our Steps_. He gestures to a stoop at the bottom. I flip my bangs from my face in aggravation and spot a park bench a bit further down the pathway. Jack grunts and follows me after I storm off towards it.

"What the hell Amy?"

"I don't like those steps alright?"

Jack turns back and looks at them; puzzled. Eventually he pinches his lips together and nods his head in realization. He sits down beside me.

"Alright. That's fine. We'll talk here. What's going on?"

"I told you!" I snap. "You wouldn't understand! You're not a parent!"

"Well that's a load of crap considering I've done nothing but help raise your kids these past few weeks!"

I stare at him through moist eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry," I mumble, lowering my head in shame. Jack swings his arm onto my shoulders and pulls me close.

"This is about him starting school isn't it?"

I shrug. "Kind of."

"… and it's about Ricky not getting to witness it."

I break into tears, nuzzling my head into Jack's large chest to hide my breakdown from students passing by. He runs his hand down the back of my head, whispering to me like I did with John in the truck.

"I know I can't make this situation any better for you Amy… but you should be very proud of John! He's growing up, and you're doing a fine job raising him! Ricky would be so proud of both of you! And as much as it sucks, Ricky is missing out on things, and he is sadly going to continue missing out on things unless his health improves. But you know that already! Are you going to let what happened to your family ruin every positive thing that comes your way?"

"It's not fair," I say looking away. "He should be here! He's his father!"

"Well the universe doesn't like to play fair. Neither do authors or ABC Family writers, but that's none of my business."

Pursing my lips, I meet his eyes with my wet ones. "I thought I was doing better than this…"

This time it's Jack who looks away. "It's a process Amy; filled with good days and bad ones."

I run my finger tips under my eyes, clearing them of my tears. "I just wish the bad ones would leave me alone already…"

"They will eventually. I promise," Jack whispers, enclosing me in his arms. He kisses the top of my head and I shut my eyes, smiling slightly as I savour the moment.

* * *

"_I spoke to the bank today on my lunch," Ricky whispered, removing his jeans before climbing into bed beside his wife. She looked away from the notebook on her lap. _

"_Oh yeah? What for?"_

"_Maddie's college fund. Don't you remember me saying I was going to do that?"_

"_Oh yeah," Amy said, shaking her head. "Right. Sorry, long day."_

_He stretched to his left to kiss her temple. "Finish that tomorrow then."_

"_Un-uh," she mumbled through a yawn, "can't. I won't have time, plus I'm almost done. Get back to your story though. You called and?"_

"_And we can get the same plan we have for John. We just have to go in and sign some forms."_

"_That's great. We'll go this weekend."_

"_Do you ever think about what they'll be when they grow up? Ricky asked, shifting onto his side to look at Amy. She shrugged._

"_I've thought about it with John a few times. I just want him to end up doing something that makes him happy, and something that pays well, so he doesn't have to live like we do."_

"_I'd kind of like to see him play baseball. Maybe not professionally, but at least until college. I never got to do that, so it'd be cool to see him do it. Something we could bond over."_

"_How about when he starts kindergarten in September, we enrol him in a little league team?" Amy said, closing up her books._

"_That would be so cool Ames… I thought you said you wanted to finish tonight…"_

_She smiled. "I did say that, but then I remembered I married the world's greatest father and I thought we both deserved a reward."_

_Ricky grinned as she pushed her hands around his neck. "Oh you did huh Am-"_

"Amy!"

Snatched out of my daydream, I look around frantically for a moment before settling my sight on Jack, who is making his way towards me. I'm seated on the park bench from earlier this morning, with my head in a daze and my lunch on my lap.

"You didn't hear me calling you?" he says while taking his spot beside me.

"I was lost in thought. How are you?" We peck on the lips.

Jack reaches into his bag and pulls out one of the sandwiches we made this morning at the condo. "Good. First class went well. How about you?"

I nod. "Same here."

We eat in silence for a few moments, until Jack jolts in his seat, forcing my heart up into my throat. "What the heck!?"

"Calm down," Jack chuckles, "I remembered something, that's all. Here." He hands me the keys to his truck.

"Umm why?" I say, holding them out by their key ring.

"Well you need them to pick up John don't you? Considering I'll be in kinesiology class?"

I cringe in realization. "Shit. True. I can't believe I forgot that. Thank you, for reminding me, I mean."

"Just don't forget to pick me up… I don't think you want to go through tonight without me," laughs Jack.

My eyes widen. "No! I do not! But don't worry," I say winking, "I won't forget you."

* * *

"John!" Ms. Angelini - John's teacher- calls from her place in the doorway of her classroom. "Your mom's here!"

I smile, greeting her. "How was he today?"

Lightly clapping her hands together, John's teacher pulls a taut face and looks at me squarely. "He was fine up until around lunch time. Where he said he wanted to go home, wanted to see his daddy, all that. But the lunch time monitor was able to calm him down. I guess it had something to do with the authority figure in the room being unfamiliar to him. That happens a lot of the time."

"Okay," I say, exhaling the stress from my body as I see John running towards me. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"Hi mommy!" John yells, bursting out of his classroom and into my arms. I hug him tightly. I missed him so much today.

"Hi sweetie. How was your day?"

"Okay…" John mumbles shyly, hiding his face from his teacher.

"Just okay?" I pout, exaggerating a frown.

Ms. Angelini smiles and rubs her hand into John's hair before saying goodbye and turning to greet another family. I help John change his shoes and empty his cubby, then take his hand and walk him to the truck.

"Where's Jack?" John asks as I buckle him in his carseat.

"He's at school. We're going to go to the daycare, get Maddie, go home and change and then pick him up. Then we're going to his old home for dinner, to meet his mommy and daddy." John groans. "Hey! I'm not crazy about it either but that doesn't mean you can be rude! This means a lot to Jack, so we're doing it! Got it?"

John nods. "Yeah I got it."

* * *

"Come in! Come in!" Jack's mom Didi cries out quite loudly as Jack's father, Reverend Stone, holds open the front door of their home to let us inside.

Maddie (sitting in my arms and dressed in a red dress Nora bought her sometime ago in hopes she'd grow into it) doesn't really know what to make of Jack's parents, and stares at them with a face of vacant confusion before whimpering and shielding her face with my hair.

I push John forward into the front hall of the home. His hair is swept to the left side of his head, and he sports navy cargos and a white collared t-shirt.

"I'm so glad you could finally make it!" Didi sings, hurrying to give us all a hug. Reverend Stone embraces Jack in a hug before bending down to John's level to offer a fist bump. John eagerly accepts the gesture.

"Well thank you for having us Didi, and umm Reverend," I say, readjusting Maddie against my hip.

"Oh please, call me Bill. I'm a reverend enough of the time, but here, I like to be called Bill."

I force a smile. "Bill."

"Should we head into the dining room?" Jack suggests, coming up behind me to take Maddie. She reaches out for me once in his arms, but I pat her hand, letting her know it's okay. Didi and Bill take their seats at opposite ends of the table as we enter the dining room. I sit beside Didi, who is closest to the archway that leads into the kitchen. John sits to my right. Jack slips Maddie into the high chair between his mother and I before taking the seat across from me.

"I brought that home from the nursery today," Bill informs, gesturing to the highchair.

"Well thank you, it makes it so much easier when feeding her. She gets so restless when she's in my lap."

"Would you like anything to drink dear?" Didi asks, leaning over the table to grab John's attention.

John looks at me and waves me over. I tip towards him so that he can whisper into my ear that he wants coke. "You can tell her yourself John."

"Coke please," he mumbles shyly.

"Sure thing. Jack? Do you want a glass of wine, or are you still on that kick?"

"What kick?" I ask, wrapping a bib around Maddie.

"Jack doesn't drink," says Bill.

I look at Jack quizzically. "You don't?"

"Not anymore I don't," he answers back uncomfortably. "Coke for me too mom. Thanks."

Didi leaves the room, returning shortly with a large bottle of pop and a basket of bread. I grab a bun and split it between the kids, hoping it will keep them occupied instead of spoiling their appetite.

Once dinner is served, Jack and his dad fall into a conversation about football season while John recites to me and Didi the events of his first day at school.

"Mommy…" John says, just moments after finishing a story about him and Michael at recess.

"Yes John?" I reply as he shovels a forkful of rice into his mouth. I'm surprised he likes it to be completely honest.

"A new boy in my class, Joseph, he says his brother plays the drums."

"Okay…"

"So daddy played the drums right?"

Jack catches my eye and quickly silences the conversation with his father. "Umm yes honey, he did."

"Do you think that I could learn to play the drums?"

I place my fork down on my plate and, ignoring the sympathetic looks Jack's parents are currently exchanging with each other, turn in to face John. "Honey, I would love nothing more than for you to play the drums like daddy, but I think you are still a little young. Maybe in the next couple of years, we will look into lessons for you. Okay? How does that sound?"

"Okay…" John sulks, coiling his chin into his neck.

"Johnny," Jack begins, "is this about learning to play drums, or is this about being like your daddy?"

John shrugs. "Daddy I guess."

I clear my throat. "Well you know John, I was thinking about something today that I think you're going to like…"

"What's that?"

"Wut dat?" Maddie giggles, copying her brother. We all smirk at her.

"Well I was wondering what you would think about joining a baseball team. Daddy used to play when he was little, and he loved it very much, and he wanted you to learn to play."

John jolts in his chair. "He did?"

"Yes, he did! So how about it? Do you want to do it?"

"Yes mommy yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" John screams, catapulting himself into my arms to hug me. I once again hold him tightly against my chest.

"You're welcome baby," I whisper into his head. "You're so very welcome."

* * *

"So was tonight really okay?" Jack asks, drying off the last plate I hand to him before turning off the faucet to the sink.

I turn to face him. "For the last time, yes! Your parents were great! They were so nice to John, and me. Tonight was fun okay? I promise!"

Jack laughs, flipping the dish towel onto his shoulder. "Alright, I believe you. Come here!" Intertwining his fingers behind my back, he pulls me into a kiss.

Sliding my hands up to his hair, I hear someone enter the room. "Mommy?"

We both turn to look at John, standing in the entrance of the kitchen in his pyjamas.

"Right! You need a story!" I say, pulling away from Jack.

"I can do it," Jack cuts in, stepping over to John. "That okay buddy?" he says as he picks John up. I smile, watching from my place against the counter as John rests his head against Jack's shoulder while being walked back to his room.

After tidying the living room and realizing that my cell phone has died, I go to check on Maddie, who is sound asleep in her crib. Slowly, I creep out of her room and over to John's, where from outside of his bedroom door, I can hear Jack and him talking.

"Do you think my daddy is ever going to wake up?"

"I don't know Johnny, but I hope that one day he does."

"I wish he was awake. Then we could play baseball together…"

"You and me can still play baseball together Johnny." Jack says as he stands up from the bed and kisses John's head. I can hear John's breathing soften, meaning he is beginning to drift off. Jack clicks off the light and reaches for the door handle. It twitches under his touch. What I hear John say just as he drifts off to sleep breaks my heart.

"… I wish you were my daddy Jack."


End file.
